For those of a sensitive disposition this thread talks very frankly about sexual acts, if you are offended by this please don't read on. For a bit of context I am sat in the living room of my flat where the walls are quite thin my flatmates boyfriend of three years is staying over tonight and they've just moved on from what sounded like a rather sloppy blow job to some quite vigorous sex and both came pretty quick and ignoring the obvious boner I have right now I want that with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, although he's my first we've been together two years and things are amazing in most regards, we moved in earlier this year and it's gone from strength to strength. However there is and always has been one major issue, sex. He's not as far as I can tell ever really been that interested in any sexual acts, and while he does sometimes jerk off without me, thats extremely infrequent too. We probably jerk off on average once amount together but even that feels like it's difficult for him and he's never really that keen. He's never felt comfortable talking about his previous partners that much and really hates it if I talk about others, to the degree that one of my biggest fantasies for a relationship of checking other guys out together just isn't a thing, heck I think he's jealous of my celebrity crush too. We've talked about this and he often says that he's tired in the evenings or that he is too stressed which I can understand but after two years there has to be a time when thats not true. Digging deeper just gets really awkward as he clearly doesn't want to talk about it or engage with it. I have tried explaining I'd just really like it if even just one time he initiated. In the first year he did get a tiny bit more experimental and I fingered him a few times which made him cum really hard and quickly which he enjoyed and I loved, and he does let me suck him off but he finds it too sensitive to be enjoyable sometimes and has never cum, and one time we did fuck for all of 30 seconds after a lot of difficulty getting me into him. However that is it in two years, everything else is just jerking off together once a month. Me on the other hand on testosterone replacement and often quite horny, I jerk off 1-2 times a day, and basically I wanna top him primarily because I love him and want to "make love" but also because I need to get off and my body literally needs to do this, not just jerk off but sex. I am afraid to say that sometimes the urges when I am in the moment jerking off alone has occasionally led to me downloading apps (although never talking to other guys and deleting them really quick after) but I feel like a sexually repressed teenager again. Given the situation I have also on a couple of occasions tried to talk about opening things up so that I could have sex with other guys to fulfil my needs and desires, something I'd like anyway but I'd be happy with just being with him if there was anything to have, anyway he gets extremely uncomfortable with the idea and says he'd get jealous, and hates the idea of sharing me with anyone else. I am inclined to bring this up again because I don't think we've done anything sexual since Christmas, and certainly not since NYE. I don't know what to do, I absolutely do not want to end the relationship, but I feel like we have discussed this before and never gotten anywhere. Any advice? Tl;dr: Boyfriend's libido is extremely low, and don't want to break up, have talked about it a fair bit but nothing has changed, suggested opening things up in the past but he didn't want to, and I need to get laid.
All relationships need a little give and take. And it is perfectly okay if not everything about the two of you sync up. However in this case clearly you would like a more intimacy and you should get some in return. Uncomfortable past experiences is kind of a lame reason or excuse in my opinion. Now if it was more serious like abuse, then I can understand being more apprehensive to the act.
I mean his ex had some very niché kinks that he wasn’t into but tbh I don’t I just enjoy making him feel awesome and wanna fuck him if I am honest. He has a lot of anxiety issues but I don’t think any of this is abuse related. Just no idea where to go next.
First, sorry that you are going through this whole thing with your partner. Its way more common than you realize, which also means there are tons of tools out there to navigate this sort of scenario. So deep breaths I know you think you have talked about this with your partner, but from the sound of it he is not willing to have the uncomfortable conversation that must happen for you both to understand each other. The problem that most couples have about low libido has very little to do with the actual act of having sex. While yes its sexually frustrating, most couples anxieties about the whole scenario has to do with how lack of sex makes us feel. And that is important for you to keep in mind. Next time you talk about this I want you to make space for it. This means tell him in advance that you want to schedule some time to talk about the subject. Sounds weird, but you guys have to carve out time so you both can be fully present and ready for the conversation. Make some coffee/tea and both of you can sit down at your house. If that is too hard for your partner, walking while talking is super helpful for people. It allows people to avoid eye contact, movement helps people think, and it feels less confrontational. Either way, both of you need to talk about how not having sex makes you feel and how the pressure of having more sex is making him feel. You need to sit down alone and figure how this whole thing makes you feel beforehand tho. For example, how does having no sex makes you feel? What do you want to feel? What is your ideal scenario look like? How do you want him to feel? This is a great example of bad communication in some regards. Not your fault by any means, we are just not taught how to have these conversations. Instead of you guys talking about your feelings and coming up with a solution together, you have already proposed a solution that might not work and makes him feel trapped. Its a bad scenario for you both. Instead of proposing a solution, simply talk about it first. This is me guessing so take that for what it is, but for most people that want their partner to initiate sex it usually means that they want to feel wanted and desired. If they want to feel wanted then it also means they are feeling a tad insecure about the relationship, whether their partner is still attracted to them, whether they are still in love with them or weather it means they want to leave. Those are the worries you have to talk about and not the lack of sex itself. Talking about your feelings instead of "you must have sex with me x amount of times for me to feel wanted" allows for you both to come up with ways to help you navigate the low libido parts. For example, you both can come up with ways to make you feel wanted, desired, etc once again that has nothing to do with sex. Its also important for him to take care of you in other ways so you know that he cares about how you feel even if he still can't have sex with you. If none of that helps, its time for him to consider talking with a therapist about why he doesn't want sex, why he can't seem to communicate that with you, and what tools he can have to navigate it all. At the end of the day, you both have to ask yourselves whether or not the relationship is worth figuring this whole thing out. It will take work, but if you are both in it then its possible. Be patient with each other. It is also completely okay for you to realize that you need more sex in your relationship for you to be fully fulfilled. That is a personal decision that only you can make.
You have a difficult issue to deal with. From my observations, two people may love each other, but that may not be enough to keep them together in the long term. Many couples may love each other deeply, but issues over careers, finances, personal temperament etc... can drive them apart. If you desire to have a more intimate physical relationship but your partner doesn't, you will have to decide if you can live with that. Some folks can, others cannot. Sex may not be a urgent matter for your partner. Perhaps he values your companionship more. Have a heart to heart talk with him. We all need to be fulfilled, both emotionally and sexually, my friend.
I think @smurf has given some great advice. I wanted to add something about intimacy. It can take a lot of different paths beside just wanting to have intercourse with someone. Have you tried making out and giving massages with the understanding that you won't ask for sex? You'll just share some closeness and he will not need to feel like every time you get close to him you will want sex? Build a bit at a time so the sex is an extension of how you feel about him not getting off. Maybe this will help him learn to be vulnerable and allow you to be closer both physically and emotionally. After some time with being closer, try frottage (google it if you need to). A couple can make frottage making love without the penetration and potential discomfort. You may be surprised how satisfying it can be when you begin to really share the feelings of closeness and intimacy.
klix.....Have you thought about having your boyfriend's testosterone level checked? My libido was really low for a long time. I also was having problems with abnormal exhaustion and fatigue. That made me decide to have a complete physical. Everything was good except for my T level which was so low it almost didn't even register on the test. I started T replacement therapy and within a very short period of time, there was a huge change in my energy levels as well as my libido. It was almost like going through puberty again! For a month or so it was almost embarrassing how often I got NRBs (no-reason-boners)! After a while, things settled down, but my libido was much higher than it was before I started the injections. Now I get a T shot every month and everything is great! This could be a major part of his difficulties...seriously think about having it checked! .....David
