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3 month itch

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Soundofmusic, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. Soundofmusic

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    hi all!

    Its been a while since ive been around here. Im having a lot of feelings though so I need to put them down in writing and felt like this was as good a place as any.

    Next week it’ll be 4 months with my girlfriend. And I want out.

    Let me explain... when we started dating I was SO excited. She was the first woman Id date and sleep with etc. It started out very fun but it always bothered me how all our dates centered around being VERY drunk. I never found her particularly attractive but thought id get past that because she has an A+ personality. Well, I havent. Shes also generally very negative and I struggle with that a lot because I make a very strong effort to be positive daily and feel like her negativity is rubbing off on me.

    I also don’t think Im good for her. First, shes told me multiple times she thinks im too good for her and that im gonna realize that soon and break her heart. Second, shes constantly apologizing for being herself around me. Like she feels im judging her. Why would she wanna be with someone she feels so insecuee about? Beats me.

    Heres the catch... in EVERY relationship Ive had, I always get the 3 month itch. Like i hit 3 months and find something wrong in everyone I date. I always thought it was because I was dating the wrong gender but looks like its just a pattern. Im hoping its not but im worried im finding problems in everyone i date when im FAR from perfect myself.

    Blah
     
  2. L8bloomer

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    Is she your first girl relationship? Have you had the itch with both men and women?
     
  3. Soundofmusic

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    Yeah first girl. And have had it with all men ive dated.
     
  4. L8bloomer

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    Hmm. Many people say that their judgment is not so good at first with a same-sex relationship because of the newness and freedom to express these feelings. We sometimes fall for same-sex people who are all wrong for us because of that attraction. Not sure if this is a factor for you... have you talked with a therapist yet? That might be helpful in sorting out your feelings. I understand the itch, and it truly is hard to know if this is you being bored or maybe she really is not right for you. If that’s the case, then good for you for realizing that! What do you think the drinking is about? I’m not judging - I struggle with that too, mostly when I’m around my husband as an unhealthy coping mechanism and way to avoid dealing with the sad and difficult feelings with him. But for you and her, it sounds like it could be different things. Are you her first woman relationship too? Sounds like she may be doing a little self-sabotage in predicting that it won’t work out anyway...
     
  5. Soundofmusic

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    Hmmm ive never heard of bad judgment at first but that makes sense. But idk, id made a list of everything i wanted in a partner a year ago and here she is, checking all the boxes. Of course i didnt account for the negative in that list haha.

    I havent seen a therapist yet but its def at the top of my List.

    The drinking is because im the type to adapt to whoever im with in terms of that. So if im with someone who has 1 drink, ill have 1. If they have 20, ill have 20. And she drinks A LOT. Ive stopped drinking now but she still gets very very drunk.

    Shes been with many women physically but only came out 2yrs ago and is figuring out her sexuality still ( i guess i am too?) and im her first girlfriend.

    She self sabotages a lot. Like job, friends, everything. Because she is sooo negative. And im very familiar with self sabotage and have gotten out of that pattern in most facets of my life so its just hard to see.
     
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  6. weary

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    I think when coming out/coming to terms many of us jump into the first relationship we can find whether out of excitement or just loneliness or whatever. Look at what I quoted - you say she has an A+ personality but then she is very negative. How is that an A+ personality especially as you say you put a lot of effort into staying positive. Sounds like you were ready to be in relationship and just leaped without getting to know who you were with. If this is something as you say happens often - the 3 month itch, I would say you tend to just jump into relationships without dating long. Dating is an actual thing people used to do for long time 1-2 years to actually get to know the person. Go back to dating and avoid jumping into a relationship because they are there.
     
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  7. Chip

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    Part of the three-month thing is a neurotransmitter called oxytocin. It starts to fire when you first get into a relationship, and is largely responsible for the glow and rose-colored glasses that accompany just about every new relationship for an initial period of time that lasts from 2 to 6 months. It is the oxytocin that helps to mask any real problems or flaws.

    And when the oxytocin wears off.. that's when you start to see the issues. Of course, part of it is also that you've gotten to know the person better, and s/he has gotten to know you, so the masks and politeness wear off as well.

    Thus, the real work of the relationship happens once the oxytocin wears off. And the good news about that is... as the real work starts, if you stick with it, then you quickly find out if the relationship is going to work in the long term.

    It's highly likely that if this is a first or early relationship that it won't be the one that lasts. So if you are feeling that there are inherent incompatibilties, it makes sense to let it go sooner rather than later. But if it is just that the 'spark' isn't there... that's oxytocin, and you can cultivate a deeper spark by working on emotional connection and intimacy.
     
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  8. Peterpangirl

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    Intense insecurity combined with always worrying about others' good opinion of you is a very hard thing to deal with in a partner. In my first same sex relationship I made the mistake of thinking I could assuage her deep insecurity and that when she realised how much I loved and accepted her, flaws and all, that she would feel as beautiful as I thought she was. I have learnt that I cannot address another person's issues - I can listen compassionately and cautiously advise, but ultimately I must step back and let them find their own path. You cannot solve another's problems. For me and my ex there certainly was massive chemistry and there still is a very powerful attraction, so much so that I still desire her and still want to kiss and touch her. But it sounds like you don't even fancy her, let alone like her personality, so it's definitely time to move on.
     
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  9. Soundofmusic

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    Yeah it definitely has to end. Spent the day with her today and I dont think I can ever stand her anymore.

    So now I have to figure out how to break up with her without destroying her ‍♀️
     
  10. Amoye0416

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    Be careful, she seems to have emotional issues that are being buried with alcohol. Break it to her gently, be as nice as you can, and if you think you can tolerate her as a friend, why dont you try that. You never know, she could change and as friends you guys can reconnect, but this time with a much more mature version of herself. That, or she could drink herself into a coma and fall all the way off....I'm hoping it's the former.
     
  11. L8bloomer

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    Ugh... I am so sorry. Sounds like you know the answer. I know you know this, but you are not responsible for her well being (even as I worry about leaving my husband for the same reason - so no judgment here!). But as someone who was jerked around pretty bad for 6 months by a woman I loved deeply, I’d say it’s better to just rip off the bandage quickly. Be honest. Tell her you care and would like to be her friend, if she wants that. If not, respect that. She will always be special as your first woman relationship, but it’s just not meant to be.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Hey soundofmusic I don't think there is anything wrong with you, in fact it sounds like it didn't take you three months to see the issues it's just the whole first girlfriend etc etc made you just brush over those issues.
    Be kind to her and tell her as gentl pay as possible but whilst also making it clear. Staying longer just so as not to break her heart won't help either of you.
     
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  13. Soundofmusic

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    I tried to break it off tonight and i just couldnt stop crying. I care so much for her as a person it makes me unsure if im making the right Move.

    Not only do I not want to break her heart but I dont know whats best for me. I asked her if she still wanted to talk tonight and she said shed rather just go to bed but now ive left her with a huge cliffhanger and i feel awful about it.
     
  14. L8bloomer

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    I’ve been binge watching the L Word lately... this reminds me, they said a couple times that some women, you need to break up with multiple times. All kidding aside, you took a really important step...
     
  15. Soundofmusic

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    I have this nagging feeling that im making a mistake. I care about her so much. And she adores me. Is this my way of protecting myself from ever reaching true intimacy with someone? Like how do i know
     
  16. silverhalo

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    Well yesterday you said you couldn't even stand to hang out with her.
    Let's say you split up what would you miss about her?
     
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  17. weary

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    Are you fearful of feeling alone / being alone OR is it a feeling of truly missing her? You've mentioned the traits she had that you do not like, what are the traits you would miss in her, and do you think no one else has those traits without the traits you dislike?.
     
  18. Soundofmusic

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    I would miss her humor and our conversations. And shes really all of the things i look for in someone. But also has some extra things i dont want.

    Honestly im just mostly afraid that im poking holes in this just to protect myself. Like will I ever not poke a million holes in every relationship i have?
     
  19. weary

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    I personally would have a hard time getting past this part. For me sexual attraction and compatibility are biggies in a relationship.
     
  20. silverhalo

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    If you were saying to us, I met this girl, things were perfect until we got to about 3 months and now I want out then I'd probably say, hang on what's changed since you got to that point. Actually what you said was I met her, I wasn't really sure I was attracted to her, I thought that would grow as I got into the relationship, I always had concerns over some aspects of her personality but it was my first girlfriend etc so I was super excited and went with it and now after three months I'm not sure it's for me.

    I also feel a bit like you are saying, on paper this girl is everything I was looking for, apart from these extra bits so why don't I love her, what's wrong with me. Well that's just because that's not always the way it works.
    Often what we think we want in our heads and what we actually love when we find it are not always that similar. I'm not saying it's bad to imagine the kind of person you see yourself going out with but don't become blinded by what you think you should want.

    I know you are comparing it to the straight relationships you have had but I don't think you can really use those as true evidence if you think really you lean towards girls because they were never going to be long lasting however great the guys are.