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Why can I still not come out??

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Archie73, Jan 2, 2019.

  1. Archie73

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Not out at all
    I'm trans FTM and I haven't outright told anyone I am trans yet. However, a little while back my mom caught me binding with a makeshift binder that I had made. She was not upset, just concerned for my health, and ended up buying me a real binder, which I have worn every day since then (I can barely take it off, and don't know what to do with myself when it is in the wash).

    I have to assume that from this my mom must know that something is up about my gender, but she hasn't really questioned me about it. The closest she ever got was seriously asking if I wanted to be called a different pronoun when I was joking about made up genders (genders like bed, and pillowcase, and side walk). I didn't end up answering the question, and just brushed it off because it did not seem like the right place to come out. Even if I was in the right place to come out Idk if I would be able to do it, because I feel way too much trans doubt (which is like destroying my life because I also have bad dysphoria). I'm also terrified even though I know (I think I know) that my mom/family would accept me. Lastly, I also wonder if my ADHD is making me think I'm trans from watching trans youtubers, and I'm being impulsive.

    I also sometimes wonder if my mom actually knows I'm trans, but is just waiting for me to come out. She must have figured something out from buying me a binder, which she doesn't actually call a 'binder' she calls it an 'underbra thing' which makes me a little dysphoric, but is better than nothing. She caught me wearing winter leggings that I had cut into makeshift boxers. She was ok-ish with it, but kept getting mad at me for wearing them for too many days and for wearing my 'pajamas'. She eventually realized that I was not going to stop wearing them and ordered me women's boy-shorts underwear, which isn't exactly what I want, but is better than nothing. So, she also must have figured out something from that.

    If my mom knows I'm trans (does she???). Why doesn't she just tell me. Why can't I just come out. Life is sucking so much I often want to die.

    Sorry if this was long, rambley, and didn't make much sense. I just need some help.
     
  2. Misadori

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    That is an interesting story you have there. I am trans to, MtF. Although occasional just inside the walls of my house, I don't carry the courage to do it outside... just yet at least. At the moment, I have no clue if that's gonna be somethin' in the future though.

    Anyway, first of all: I do get why your message is long:slight_smile: It's afterall your feelings who plays a part. I got a hunch that my response might be long as well (don't need to read it all if you don't feel like it^^) but I'll do my best to keep it short.
    I've managed to come out to a handful of people: My family and my closest friends. It's a hard thingy and it's been an inner fight that has taken me more than 25 years to finally dare utterin' the words. My message to first of all my sister (first in family to know) was all too many pages on WhatsApp:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: No one in my family has ever given the thought of me bein' trans before I told 'em (guess I upheld my sneakiness as I've heard that trans persons are really good at:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) Even though, I've been wanderin' around occasionally givin' myself the thoughts if I've leaked info or hinted without even realized so myself.
    In your story though, I get the feelin' that your mother knows about how you truly feel'n'identify yourself as:slight_smile: My first thought of why she doesn't tell you might be that she could find that as a sensitive or somewhat tricky subject to bring up. I have no clue but that's a wild guess that just popped up(A) I mean, I kinda wish that I could talk more about my progress in my trans life with my family and friends more often but I never bring up the subject. Maybe she might feel the same about you? Maybe she really wish to clarify (or if she has already done it but hasn't given you a proper confirmation of it all too clearly) that she knows but just don't know how to bring up the subject in a kind of a smooth way, if you know what I say??:slight_smile: Like you wrote: She has caught you in act when you used your creative makeshift binder as well self-customized boxers and she seemed really cool about it^^ Specially bringin' up the question about what pronoun she should call you. My grandmother was quite curious if my trans would be a phase or if I was into boys as well (I'm straight as I can be, not even bi-curious.) Givin' such question at an occasion when you've been caught in action or decided to come up is a sweet sign of understandin' and learn more about how you truly are and feel:3 I can understand that you wish to brush off since the occasion maybe wasn't "the occasion" to talk about it, or you feelin' like talkin' about it.
    I got two things that I wonder about and you don't have to answer if you don't feel like it. I won't force you into somethin' you don't like to answer.

    First question: Out of pure curiosity, did you found that situation somewhat uncomfy at that time when your mum asked about your preference of pronoun?? I can not just imagine but understand if you do for I remember myself when I came out for the first time to one of my closer friends when we were talkin' about astronomy and meanings of dreams actually:slight_smile::stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Some questions he gave me about who I truly am on the inside was really different at that time and it felt at least strange to talk about it. Knowin' that he was a really trustworthy person and gave me more curious questions, and also lettin' him know of store where I've tried to peaked and why I've been hidin' and so.

    Second question: If we say that your mother would bring up the very same question again, at a place where you feel very secure and calm with when it comes to talk with her, would you brush it off again or would you like to tell her more about it? It doesn't have to be the pronoun subject, but about bein' trans:slight_smile: How would you feel about havin' such conversation with her?

    See? HahaxD I told you that my messages could be rather long tooxD Since Internet can be such a place where you can say'n'write whatever you feel like, I kinda go with my way by typin' directly out from my mind like I was talkin' with someone face-to-face^^ No deletin' or so (unless misspellings though hehexP) Since my head is filled with thousands of thoughts and every one wishes to speak at the same time, I try to let 'em all give their shot to say what they wanna say:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Hope that my response wasn't all too tiresome to readxS
     
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  3. Archie73

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    Location:
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    Thank you for your response. I find it very nice to know that there is a community of people that have my back and are helping me.

    In response to your first question, I did find the situation in which my mom first asked uncomfortable. It was right after dinner, and the rest of my family (my dad and brother) were also in the room. I do think that both my dad and brother would accept me, but I just couldn't come out to my entire family at once.

    To your second question, I like to think that if it was the right place, right time, and my mom brought up the pronoun question again I would be able to come out. However, I have been in situations with my mom where it may have been a good time to come out, but I was too scared to. I am always scared that my parents will think I'm too young, or that I will end up not being trans (see, trans-doubt :slight_smile: ) and I would have put my family through something they did not have to go through. I am also scared of coming out to my friends and extended family, as much as I hate being called 'she' fear keeps keeping me in the closet.
     
  4. Misadori

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    You'll always be safe here in EC^^ There's no one who judge you in here:wink: Only love, help and respect towards each and everyone\^.^/

    I've always thought that comin' out for a whole group (no matter what number of the size of the group) has been scary:slight_smile: Quite understandable and simply put: There are more eyes watchin' you and more to deal with at the same time. I have never dared to stand in front of a group and tell everyone there about me bein' trans (except when I was with a LGBTQ+ group of course(A)) Anyway, I believe that I won't be able to do so either since I'm quite a sensitive person. Therefore, I've always chosen moments when I'm alone together with one person at a place where I feel safe:slight_smile: It sounds like you wish to come out to your mother first of all in your family, after the story and she seems concerned about your health and well bein':slight_smile:
    I did tried to come out to my mum so many times before but didn't dared to say it too:slight_smile: Durin' my summer holidays, me and my mum usually took an early 1h-mornin' walk around 07:30-08:00. I guess that my genes for walkin' came from her side:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: We enjoyed eachothers companies as we could talk about plans, vacations and things that's goin' on and so:slight_smile: I figured that I could use such an opportunity since our walks took place out on the countryside where there weren't many people around (except early bird joggers that passed by a few times^^) It never worked for me when I tried to "force" myself into the subject. For me, I had to let it come naturally:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Sounds tricky and some classic quote taken from a movie, right? Don't mean to be cheesy with such words or so but it was like that for me:slight_smile: Later on, I started to learn that I could affect those moments that I would like to call "to trigger my sensitive side." I noticed that I became and felt more open durin' late evenings and nights. That's why I've usually managed to come out to those friends I trusted most in the beginnin', it always took place durin' nighttime usually:slight_smile: I got the feelin' that our social barrier within ourselves can be lighten a little bit when we get tired since we think less of those annoyin' "What if"-thoughts that usually hold us back:slight_smile: Wouldn't say that that goes for everyone but have you thought of that before? If there are any moments or at certain places where you feel more brave and/or more open than normally??:slight_smile:

    That thought made comin' out to my family much harder than my friends. Family has always been tough since we've been raised by our parents and all siblings, cousins and relatives seein' how we've been shaped and grown over the years. It isn't so strange to say that it does feel hard to come out to your own family, blood is thicker than water after all. My little sister was a rarely dress/skirt person when she grew up and my mum as well. It scared me to think the thought of what they were goin' to think about me if they found out or got to know that I was that kind of person in their family. Their own son with such thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Creatin' these safe bubbles (or spheres of whatever you'd like to see it as^^ Water is my element and I love everythin' about it so bubbles for my part:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) around my friends felt better than doin' that to my family. I could always enter and leave those bubbles everytime we met and hanged out:wink: But creatin' a bubble where my life is circlin' around, how could I even escape such one if times would become hard? That's why I started to come out to my friends first and just get to feel the whole thing about them knowin' about the true me before lettin' my parents do so. Do you feel that you have that friend or group of friends where you could tell 'em, one by one, about what you really want??

    Out of pure curiosity: How long have you felt like this?? For many it's been there ever since you were born while other discovered it along their way in life. My curiosity started when I was really young and not 'til I was around 12-13 years old, things become more serious. Thought I could come away with a secret double life towards everyone, but realized after like 10 years or so that that wasn't the way. I think that I was around my 20s when I could accept myself that I am a trans and that it is a part of me. What I'm meanin' is that if you feel like you've lived long enough with your acceptance that you are a he then you shouldn't fear about never bein' able to come out in the future as a he:wink: That's why I believe in you that you will be able to live your life freely^^ We just need to knock down that wall before bein' able to do so and take things step by step(A)
     
  5. Archie73

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    Again, thank you for your support and help. It is really nice to know that I have people who feel the same as me, and people that I can talk to and who will help me. It is nice to have one place where I can actually be myself, and not hide.

    First question: I do have a very close group of friends at my school, and I know that none of them are trans or homophobic (or else I would probably not be friends with them). Despite knowing this I feel more scared to come out to my friends than my family. I don't exactly know why this is true, but I do have trouble making friends (I am very socially awkward and shy, so I don't like talking to new people) which results in me being very scared of losing friends. Even though I know my friends will probably accept me, I just wouldn't know how to bring it up in a conversation, and I would be scared of losing my friends. I also fear that because my friends have known me for a while (we go to school so they basicly watch me grow up) they wont be able to seem me as a guy, and only as a girl. I am also afraid that I haven't come out to myself enough to come out to other people which scares me.

    Second question: I don't think that I truly figured out that I was trans until I was about 12-13. When I was younger I definitely had an interest in more masc things, I wanted to copy my brother a lot of the time and mostly had guy friends. Things have changed sense then, I am still mostly masc (although sometimes I fear that I am not masc enough) but now things are more gender decided and the majority of my friends tend to be girls, which I am ok with but, still... Again when I was younger (probably around JK) I remember saying things like 'I wish I was a boy' and I did want to be a boy. I have always hated traditionally femme things such as dresses, makeup, and long hair (my hair has never been longer than an inch above my shoulders). Even as I started getting older I would wear a dress if I had to, but it was always a huge fight and I now flat-out refuse to wear dresses. I also was absolutely crushed when I realized that i had started puberty. I hated every change that my body went through. I hate everything feminine about myself, my face, my hips, my chest, my hair, my stomach (which is probably more of a body fat/weight thing than a trans thing. During this time I didn't initially figure out I was trans because I didn't know what being trans was, but then I started leaning more about it, and started watching trans youtubers. Finally after a long time of questioning and doubt I figured out I am trans ftm.
     
  6. Misadori

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    First thing first: I'm sorry that I've taken my time to respondxS I've been havin' my ups'n'downs, both at work and then also emotionally so I just needed a short break to gather my thoughts.

    Isn't that just annoyin'? You feel the trust and warmth in your group of friends, yet still you feel scared of what they might think. That was also one thingy that kept me from darin' to tell my friends. I believe that more and more of my friends will get to know the real me via text messages for I just simply can't do it in a conversation like that (either text or let someone or some bein' allowed to spread the word.) Back in my days when I was in elementary, I was quite shy too. Still am but I've managed to handle it better now. I didn't dared to open a conversation with anyone but my friends. They had to come to me and pop the first words. But when it came to girls, I was extremely shy. Just like you answered to your self "Why?" I still don't have the full knowledge of what made me like that. Things are what they are sometimes and 'cause of that, I sometimes believe that we don't really need a description for every piece:slight_smile: I guess that's part of a mystery that I have to figure out someday. What I can say is that doin' theater really helped me:slight_smile: When I was in high school we got to choose that, art or music as an artistic subject. I knew that I had a hard time talkin' with others but I did enjoyed makin' impressions, talk different and just become someone else for a time^^ I found out that it was a sport to try to be funny (and I've only had awesome teachers within theater<3 So filled with energy and joy^^) There was also a glimpse of hope that I might be able to play a female role sometime. Didn't occured though but it was a possibility^^
    Theater made me bein' able to break down my shy barrier and today I dare to open conversations and talk with others^^ But there are of course moments where I feel shy again and just need to crawl into my bubble and sit there for a time:3

    There's somethin' special with that age indeed:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: When I was around my 12-13 years I thought there was nothin' special (except that peeps kept sayin' my voice sounded differentxP) Anywho, I knew even before that that I had a thing for female clothin' and just enjoyed the free feelin' of wearin' a skirt or dress (yep, borrowed my sister's clothes while nobody looked. Just put it on for a short while, walk around and put it back(A)) Only that I start makin' plans instead. Lookin' back to that now, I can just feel that I did fall into the very same "trap" as every young teenager usually do around that age^^
    I'm sorry to hear that you felt the way you felt and I surely hope that you have a different opinion about yourself nowdays. It makes me remember a specific line from Steam Punk Giraffe's song 'Malfunction' (which is a very charmy and positive song about bein' who you are) where they say among other stuff: "Curvy, skinny or bizarre; Best shape is who you are." Also as well: "Raise your hand if you're not from a mold; Vary strings are worth more than gold." I was introduced of that group by a wonderful guy who also is a trans and pansexual:3 I actually met him here in EC and I still love him for who he is (we're friends to be clear but thanks to that guy, I managed to come further about tellin' others of my true self and also bein' able to live out and feel free^^ And that's somethin' I'm really thankful about^^) After browsin' around on youtube I came by that song and I was just stuck:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Not sure if you like that kind of music, it's a special kind of older rock genre but if you wanna you may check it out:grin: It's a great song that bolster your self confidence about bein' who you are and it helped my transthoughts(A) That group is a great pride supporter, two of the singer (not sure if they're still a band or not, I know that one of 'em left for a solo career) are siblings. They were born as twin boys but one of the twins felt like he was born in the wrong body and performed a sex correction:grin: I like her voice when she sings and the whole group make up and style overall:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. Misadori

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    Oooops, almost forgot! I just wanted to say that the way you're doin' now is plain awesomeness:grin: Isn't it a great feelin' to be able to talk it all out now that you're shy? Specially bein' able to talk freely of what you love and feel who you are? Writin' over the internet was also a big part for me to loosen up my shy barrier as well:wink: Give it some time, get in touch with peeps and keep writin' and you'll notice one day that you will feel more brave and will be able to have the courage to even open up conversations with friends and strangers alike^^

    I would so love to trade my blazers and suits for your dresses and skirts^^ (say if you still would have any and also that we would've been friends for a long time and known what we truly knew about both bein' trans:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) An easy trade for sure, I would've let you enter my wardrobe and simply say "Try whatever you feel and take the time you need to wear 'em and feel the feelin':wink: Hope that I didn't scared you there with my thoughts like that, it just came to me and I couldn't help but sharin' it(A) When it comes to female clothin' in general I'm very open minded and haven't bein' able to settle down with a specific kind of clothin'^^ I admire patterns of different kinds (love paisley, polka dots and most of all: Plaids!<333) as well as frilled and pleated skirts (everythin' from knife pleats to accordion(A)) My style varies everythin' from chic to vintage, boho, hippie, goth and even some certain lolita styles (not all of 'em! Bits'n'pieces here'n'there:3) Managed to learn more about pastel goth not all too long time ago but I also feel like my body doesn't fit and would look all too well in female clothin'. It would've been more awesome if I could transform and get a more androgyn-ish look so I would look more like a woman. Gettin' a good wig, lences and such but I'm far from lookin' like that.
    I've also carried this little dream to own, or rather work (since any kind of leadership sounds too scary, don't like such positions>.<), in a formal clothin' store^^ Help other peeps out pickin' their formal wears, both girls and boys:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Blazers and tuxs are awesome, always try to pick a good timin' of wearin' mine;P But I would just dream away amongst McClintocks, A-Lines, Bridesmaid dresses and everythin' you can find there, from chiffons to satins^^
     
  8. Archie73

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    Hi. Thank you for your reply again, and don't feel bad for taking time for yourself before you reply. You come first :slight_smile: I agree in thinking we would've been friends for a long time if we had ever crossed paths, and it would have been great to have someone to go through all this with.

    I can see your appeal in theater as I have always been interested in acting, because I loved the idea of getting to be someone else and getting to escape my life for a little bit. Though I don't think I would be able to deal with being unemployed for ages (having to be self-employed) or having to act in front of people.

    I definitely hope that some day I will be able to come out to my friends. If I do I will probably end up telling them one by one, like you. A little while back I half planned to come out when I went to university, and just make new friends that knew me as a guy which probably would be easier, but don't to lose my friends from school, and I want them to know me as me. I also thought it would be easier to come out to my parents that way, because I would be far away from them and would be able to leave more easily if the conversation went badly. However, as I have thought about it I don't think my parents would take things very badly, they would just think I am too young, and not agree with the name I have chosen for myself (which is the name of a male character from a TV show I love. So they will just think I am in love with the guy or something, which I kind of am :slight_smile: ).

    I do hope that talking to people online will make me more comfortable with my gender, and hopefully I will be brave enough to come out. Annoyingly, I keep fearing that my brain has just made up some sort of online personality that I am hiding other problems behind, and I'm not actually trans (don't know if I'm ever going to get rid of trans-doubt).

    In your experience does this sense of trans doubt ever go away? Or is it just something I will need to learn to manage?

    Also, do you know if it common among trans people to not feel masc/femme enough, or does that just depend on the person?

    Thanks, again for your help and advice. If my thinking doesn't scare you too much, it's nice to feel like I kind of have a friend on this website.