Questioning Gender Experience:

Personally, I am a little ashamed to have shared this, but it has been bothering me.

Maybe, a year and a half ago, I questioned my gender.
I thought I could be a boy, so I switched up everything (even my name)
behind the curtains of my family's house. Meaning, I did not share
this with anyone, except my family. I felt great and they were very accepting.

Next, maybe five months later, I realized, being a boy was not for me.
I did not feel so good some time later and was very confused. I did not
like being a boy, but I did not like being a girl. I continued to like
boy's clothing and was easily comfortable posing as a guy online.

I sometime found out thought a video that I was non-binary.

I remember posting a comment there and people were commenting
back about how happy they were for me. I remember writing about
how angry I would get with myself when I tried thinking "are you a girl? boy?"
and then realizing that I could be neither. I felt so good in that moment.

Now, I don't know. As I type, "I must be a girl," I feel uneasy, but relief.
I must be a girl.

When I visited a water park with my family, a week ago, I had bought
a swimsuit (rash guard and shorts) that could stop people from putting
a gendered label on me too soon. Maybe my voice would give it away,
but I probably was not going to be talking to them.. I put on a binder, underneath
the rash guard and I felt so good. It was amazing, I remember. My brother
told me while we were swimming, "this lady was looking at you and wondering,
"girl or boy?"" and I did not mind. I was feeling great that day.

The binder I was using was not waterproof, but it's still working okay.
I was certain that I was going to buy a gc2b binder very soon, I just needed
to get the courage to ask my mom (I was never very clear about how far
I would want to take my non-binaryness, but that's okay).

But now, I could care less. I don't need that binder now.
I was wearing it yesterday and looking at my chest and thinking, "I am treating
this as a bra. My chest looks feminine and I feel fine with it that way." I didn't see my
chest as masculine even with the binder on. It looked like I had breasts and
not a man's chest (the binder was not malfunctioning, it was working as it should).

Above was a little hard to explain, but I hope you understand.



The thing is, I think I feel weak as a girl.
For a while, I have wanted to be taller so I could pass more androgynously, but not
so much anymore. I was in the car today and I was imagining about
taking a walk in this area with someone I used to know. I was a little annoyed
with my presentation, like guess what, you are a girl and you know it, this is you and
I just felt, stupid. Like, I should not be in love, walking with a person, that's
every other girl's dream and it's silly, why are you in love? You are stereotypical...

The same day, today, my younger sister shopped for herself and
bought some clothes and showed them to me. She pulled out a sweater and
I liked it. I had not allowed myself to like female clothing in a while.

My mom bought me mostly female clothes, but men's pants and
a boy's shirt and I have not even touched the girl's clothing.

I feel stupid wanting to wear girl's clothing. I feel like long hair looks silly
on me (I have short hair). I wouldn't want to wear makeup like my sister.
I dont think I know how to accept myself as a girl, this is so hard.

With my sexuality, I am bisexual (as you can read from my sub-profile).
I liked the idea of being in a hetero (me as a female), but I wouldn't exactly
mind being the man in a hetero relationship, me being the male for a woman.
I wouldn't mind trying to be a woman's girlfriend, sometimes either. I would
not want to be a man's boyfriend, though.

I was never worried I could be a transtrender.
I was never pushing my ideas on other people, I talked to one person
a few times about my feelings and he supported me. I know you have
to have dysphoria to be trans and for a while, I wanted my breasts
gone and I wanted a male, muscular shape. I was watching that Buzzfeed video
where they "trained like superheros" and the men were
talking about gaining a "dorito shape" and I wanted that too.

I feel so weird.
I am sorry this is coming out in a tangent.


Why did I go through this if I possibly end up identifying as my assigned birth sex?

 

I never shared these feelings with my family because
I felt ashamed, as I do now.

I almost had the courage to write my mom an email
about it, but I chose not to.

I would really appreciate some feedback on this,
I only had the courage to talk to myself about this, until now.
I also wanted to go on T at one point, to gain male-like muscles
at one point, to get a deeper voice, but that did not happen.


I read a book about a transgender girl and I remember
the author wrote:

When I thought of myself as a man, I could not see a future, nothing,
but when I thought of myself as a woman, I could.

I do not see a future of myself as a man, but maybe as a woman.
Not entirely a woman, but I imagine myself smiling and laughing a lot.
Just as me, not a man or a woman specifically.
I don't know, feedback would be nice.