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(Needs fast response) Trying to help friend freaking out badly over HIV

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Destin, Jan 10, 2019.

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  1. Destin

    Destin
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    A friend of mine is sitting in my apartment crying hysterically and worried they have HIV and might have given it to their romantic partner after cheating on them in a threesome then lying about a year ago. The person they want to marry.

    I'm bringing them to a free and confidential testing center in like 8 hours when they open but if anyone knows what I should do to help them right now please post. I'm trying every counseling technique I know but they're in legitimate world is ending mode and have apparently already been getting destroyed by the guilt of cheating on their partner for the last year. They want to tell the truth about it now but know it will get them dumped probably.

    I'm somewhat worried about them harming themselves based on things they've said so am not leaving them alone at all tonight and I'm not sleeping.
     
    #1 Destin, Jan 10, 2019
  2. Destin

    Destin
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    @Chip since I see you're online
     
    #2 Destin, Jan 10, 2019
  3. quebec

    quebec
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    Destin.....You're already doing the most important thing by being with them and not letting them be alone. They need to be assured that HIV is not the killer that it once was...that there is a treatment for it that works. It will not destroy their life or the life of anyone that they have been with. OK...the guilt of having cheated is real. The only way to destroy the power that guilt has over a person is to expose it to the light...they will need to come clean to the other person no matter how painful it will be. Guilt likes to remain a secret and by doing so it's power over the guilty person always increases. To break that hold you have to destroy the secret. It will hurt, but it's the only way that leads to true healing. I can only hope that the love between the two people will be strong enough to make it through the pain that honesty will bring. But without honesty, their relationship is doomed anyway. They need to realize that, if they truly do love the other person, then they will have to be completely honest and open with them. If the other person truly does love them, then their relationship will survive even though it will be very tough for a time. Everyone makes mistakes, none of us are perfect...love looks beyond our failings and accepts us as we are regardless of stupid things that we can sometimes do. I so hope that you'll be able to help your friends during this very rough time...I am so proud of you for caring and helping another person in such desperate need.
    ......David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #3 quebec, Jan 10, 2019
  4. Destin

    Destin
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    Thank you for responding. The conversation started about them but it became clear they're concerned about their partner and wants to tell them to ease the guilt even if they get dumped. Just not until the test to know for sure. They're admitting to the cheating either way though.

    He's really messed up over thinking he hurt his partner by accident and ruined their life by giving them HIV. He instantly starts crying every time he talks about loving them and not being able to live with what he did, never being able to find anyone else like them etc.
     
    #4 Destin, Jan 10, 2019
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    The first step is simply to empathize. Sit with them in their fear, imagine what they are feeling, talk openly about how scared and angry at yourself and upset you would be if you were in that situation.

    The next step could be to get him to talk about his fears, and empathize with those fears. And encourage him to breathe and simply slow things done.

    The next step beyond that could be to help him see the catastrophizing he is doing. Even *if* he is HIV+ and even *if* his partner has gotten HIV from him, the world will not end for either of them. In 2019, when caught early, HIV is very manageable.

    It might also be worthwhile to simply acknowledge that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. When he cheated on his partner, it was because, in some way, that seemed like the best choice at the time. Usually this underlies a deep sense of unworthiness and a desire for attention and love.

    I would not suggest even thinking about, or bringing up, how to tell the partner about the cheating at this stage. It's going to be too intense.

    If he can begin to understand these things, he may be able to get the fears a little more under control.
     
    #5 Chip, Jan 10, 2019
  6. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    Frantic rumination serves no good purpose and only exacerbates anxiety and distress. Your friend can take a test to discover if they have HIV and if it comes back positive they will get the support and treatment necessary to keep them strong and healthy. Of course nobody wants to be HIV+, but support and treatment has come on a long way and people are living good lives now with the illness. If he gets tested he will deal with the issue.

    In the same way, he will deal with the guilt by being honest, and as quebec rightly pointed out, a strong relationship can endure through the biggest crises. Yes, he will have to weather a real storm when he admits to what he has done, but there are millions of people the world over who have been through massive life challenges and come out the other side.

    I think the key thing to get across to your friend is that he isn't trapped in a cycle from which there is no escape. He will deal with the HIV issue by getting tested and he will deal with the guilt issue by being honest. On the other hand he will deal with nothing by ducking problems or bringing harm upon himself. The first priority is to take the HIV test and then look at the guilt that's arisen. It's time to dig deep, take ownership of the issues and face them down, in the right order - with help and support. You can play a part in helping and supporting.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Jan 10, 2019
  7. Destin

    Destin
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    Thank you both. It's been a long night but he's more calm now after we talked about all those things. We're going to his test in an hour so he'll know for sure soon. It's surprisingly hard to find anonymous HIV testing by the way, I thought it was a common thing...apparently not. I called like everywhere in the city and kept being told they needed his insurance card and ID's even when the website literally said 'anonymous testing' on it. Finally got the department of health to do it.
     
    #7 Destin, Jan 11, 2019
  8. Destin

    Destin
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    So great news, it turns out he doesn't have HIV! That was quite a roller coaster of a day.

    He still plans to tell his partner about the cheating one day though.
     
    #8 Destin, Jan 11, 2019
  9. Lance

    Lance
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    That's really good news, I was wondering how things went. I hope the rest of his obstacles turn out positively for him.
     
    #9 Lance, Jan 12, 2019
  10. Dionysios

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    Relieved to hear that the test turned out negative! That must have been such a horrible worry. So glad he will tell his partner. No lasting relationship can be built without honesty and trust. How many of us have not done something we are not proud of and regretted? Hopefully his partner will forgive him.
     
    #10 Dionysios, Jan 12, 2019
  11. Tightrope

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    I can help with the first part but not with the second. For the first part, a lot of people were very scared when there wasn't as much information. They would freak out if they had a symptom or symptoms that were the typical ones described during seroconversion. I know I have freaked out and it was always something else that was going on with my body and health. These people then went on to test negative. Much of it may have been the result of guilt or maybe even survivor guilt. I personally only know one person who died from it in the '90s but have friends who know more people. This is different with the advances in medicine. People are now living full lives.

    Now, I'm glad your friend's test is negative. Go out and celebrate. I am relieved for your friend.

    People need to know what is unsafe, safer, and safe sex and really know their risk before they freak out. Depending on the state someone lives in, there is confidential and anonymous testing. I think anonymous is preferable, but it is becoming harder to find. Confidential is good and people test that way all the time so I don't know what they'd do with that information now that health insurance has to be made available to everyone.

    As for talking about the cheating, only your friend knows the situation and is in a position to make that judgment.

    I am relieved for your friend's negative test result and it's good you were able to be there for your friend.
     
    #11 Tightrope, Jan 13, 2019
  12. smurf

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    Good to hear your friend tested negative.

    For anyone reading this later on, you can also buy a self-testing kit at pretty much any Walgreens. The test is called OraQuick and it works like most tests that you will find at LGBT centers and health clinics. Really easy to do as well.

    Most testing will require your ID and name in order for state health departments to keep track for data. Governments need to know how many people are new cases of HIV and not the same person getting tested at multiple sites. This data is still protected under HIPAA.

    Most places do confidential testing because funding is attached to it. Most governments will not fund HIV testing programs that don't allow them to track the data.
     
    #12 smurf, Jan 14, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019
  13. Destin

    Destin
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    The problem here and why we needed completely anonymous was that he's on his parents health insurance still, so he was afraid if they took his ID's and insurance card something would show up on his parents insurance bill statement that said 'HIV testing' or something like that even if it was a $0 charge. Obviously nobody wants a call from their parents about why they're getting an HIV test - especially when the parents don't know he's gay. He completely refused to go at all in fear of that unless I could guarantee him it was 100% anonymous with no ID's taken.
     
    #13 Destin, Jan 14, 2019
  14. smurf

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    Oh, I totally get it which is why I linked the Walgreens test.

    But yeah, unless you get your HIV test through a lab test it will most likely never touch insurance at all. Most HIV testing being done is completely funded by grants. Everyone can go regardless of insurance.
     
    #14 smurf, Jan 14, 2019
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