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How to end friends with benefits situations without losing the friend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Destin, Jan 9, 2019.

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  1. Destin

    Destin
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    My boyfriend and I tried an open relationship. It didn't work out very well for either of us and now we've gone back to monogamy. The problem though is I now have a bunch of friends with benefits who I like a lot as friends but can no longer partake in the benefits.

    They keep asking to hook up like usual and I don't know what to tell them so have just been avoiding them. I don't want to lose them as friends but I feel like that's what's going to happen if I tell them the friends with benefits thing is over. They'll probably be offended at me suddenly cutting them off like that and will get mad at me.

    How can this be done without losing friends?
     
    #1 Destin, Jan 9, 2019
  2. Chierro

    Chierro
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    So, the cool thing about friends with benefits is that it's supposed to be friends first, benefits second. An ideal situation is that you can be friends and hang out like normal and if you're both in positions to hook up and want to, you can but remain friends.

    The tricky part is that there's no solid answer because it kind of differs based on the person. I feel like most people in a friends with benefits situation will respect if you just tell them, "Hey, I'm in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend and I'm not looking to hookup anymore. However, I value your friendship and would really like to remain friends." Ideally, a person will respect that and stop requesting to hookup. I'd recommend that first and foremost before cutting someone off entirely. If you talk to someone and they don't respect that boundary, then cutting them off is something to be considered, because then they're just not being a good friend. So, you are right that they'd probably get offended for just getting cut off outright, so talk first and go from there.

    The only real fwb situation I've had in college ended really badly partially because the guy just cut me off entirely, but the real flaw of that was that we weren't even really friends outside of the bedroom. We hung out maybe once or twice other than hooking up. He didn't want to be friends really, I did. There were many flaws in that, and part of the shitty aftermath has had to do with him just cutting me off without ever talking about anything.
     
    #2 Chierro, Jan 9, 2019
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  3. weary

    weary
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    I'm hoping you had the open, honest discussion with them before becoming friends with benefits. It's just the same but in reverse. Just explain things changed and you and your boyfriend have decided to try monogamy for awhile. We tend to overthink things a lot. Get over the nerves and just talk. They'll understand and if they don't, then...they weren't friends first.
     
    #3 weary, Jan 9, 2019
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  4. Chip

    Chip
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    The simplest solution is the authentic one: "My boyfriend and I were trying an open relationship, and we decided it isn't right for us. So the sexual part of the friendship you and I had isn't going to be a part of things going forward. I'd like to keep you as a friend, and I need it to be super, super clear that sexual stuff isn't an option. If you have any question as to whether you can keep that, perhaps we should just take some time apart."

    The unfortunate thing is... you may discover that with at least some of these folks, that what you thought was a friendship with benefits was really just a repeating hookup. Many, many gay men have difficulties with emotional intimacy that gets covered over by the 'casual hookup' behavior that masquerades as intimacy but really isn't. And there isn't much you can do about that if the friends aren't willing to step into the new role.

    Also, for your own integrity, I would strongly recommend not using alcohol or other drugs around your friends for a while, as inhibitions (on both sides) get lowered in the presence of alcohol, and it's possible that your friends might intentionally take advantage. If you simply don't put yourself in that position, you won't have to deal with the problems that come with that.
     
    #4 Chip, Jan 9, 2019
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  5. smurf

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    Yeah, honesty is essential. Hopefully they were truly friends and they can step up, but that would be on them and not you.

    What has worked in the past for me was to invite them fairly soon right after the end of our sexual relationship to a group activity with other friends. It avoids the temptation of hooking up while giving us time to learn how to interact with each other in this new setting.

    It does take time tho. Very much like stopping a romantic relationship, we have to learn how to interact with the person in new ways. Just like in romantic relationships, some people can learn how to be friends and some people can't
     
    #5 smurf, Jan 11, 2019
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  6. Biguyjosh

    Biguyjosh
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    Just be honest and tell them the truth - you and your bf want to be exclusive. If they understand the FWB concept they will be ok and your friendship will continue.
     
    #6 Biguyjosh, Jan 11, 2019
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