i dated a man for about six months the second half of 2018. He was my second “real” gay relationship. I broke up with him in November when I admitted to myself that my feelings for him were not as deep as his feelings were for me. Nevertheless, it hurt doing it, and I know it hurt him tremendously even though there was no fighting. I wanted him to understand that I still cared for him and had hope to discuss how we might be friends in the future. At the time he was not receptive. He made some personal attacks against me in a couple of emails, but I did not respond in kind. I knew he was really hurt, and I hurt for hurting him. On December 24th, I was celebrating Christmas with my extended family. I felt quite alone. At one point that evening I checked my emails and saw that he emailed me. He expressed his apologies for the personal attacks, explaining he was in the grieving process at the time, and he acknowledged my efforts to remain friends. He said he’d like that and, if I wanted, he’d still like to do things together from time-to-time. He remarked that he can always use all the friends he can get. I believe he’s sincere. I’ve not yet reengaged with him, although I sent a response to his email, expressing my hopes that that would happen in 2019. As a 50 year-old single gay man who came out in 2014, I long for deep friendships more than anything. I do have many friends and acquaintances, but I’m still alone more than not, and 99% of these friends are straight (and coupled). I believe I started dating this guy with the desire to first develop a friendship—two men who both came out later in life, learning what that means for both of us now. But the cart got before the horse, so to speak, as he professed deep feelings for me early on, which led to sex (with me being a willing participant). I take responsibility for my actions in that regard, and don’t deny that I enjoyed it. We did become close emotionally. So the question is—is it possible to work on a friendship now; to attempt to put the horse before the cart now? Too soon? I know nobody can tell me for sure—I have to make my own decision. My hesitation is that it’ll be hard to refrain from wanting to be physically intimate if I get back together with him. I don’t want to do anything to cause more pain. But on the other hand, I’m so FUCKING lonely at times. I’ve done a hell of a lot of work learning to love myself and enjoy my own company. But I’m 50 and feel like I missed out on so much in my late teens, 20s, and 30s by being in the closet and not having platonic gay friendships. Perhaps, however, it’s wiser to not reengage at this time; to continue developing friendships in general, and being open to other opportunities to meet and date other eligible guys. The majority of the time, though, that just seems like it’ll never happen. Thoughts? Anybody been in a similar situation?
based on my experience being friends with an ex lover never lasts. too much emotional baggage from prior intimacy makes being platonic association impossible. sooner rather than later one of you get sexually aggressive to rekindle your love life outing the other one. jealousy will prohibit a friendly relationship. if you're out and about as friends and someone puts the make on one of you the other one will hurt especially if you get close and leave with stranger and drop ex behind to be alone with the newbie. only leads a painful second split apart experience
So the friendship part - most definitely especially if you have things in common. He seems to be willing to try that route. As for your issue with the physical intimacy - what is your hesitation in that area? Is it just that you do not want to be physical with anyone, just him, or something else. This isn't something you necessarily need to figure out before seeking friendship with him, but you should think about what is at the core of the issue you are having about having a sexual relationship. If it is simply not wanting to hurt him emotionally, all you can do is be open with him about your feelings, needs and wants. None of us are responsible for another person's happiness. We can control our actions though by being upfront with our expectations, needs and wants. I have had many friendships continue after intimacy but it has to be based in communication.
It is absolutely possible. The question is whether enough time has passed to be able to separate the intimate, romantic connection and attraction from the intimate emotional connection of friendship. Usually it takes several months, sometimes longer, to let your feelings die down. So this is something you will have to explore (if you choose to), and take slowly. If you jump right into a friendship where you're doing all sorts of things together, likely it will not work. But if there's enough time, enough open communication, and a willingness on both sides to cultivate a healthy connection, it is absolutely possible.
So its definitely possible if both people work on it, but its not something that "just" happens on its own. You have to consciously do it. This is a real concern, but you have to plan around it. The first thing I would do is for you both to talk about this openly. Talk about your wants, your needs and your fears about it all. Tell him you miss seeing him, that you want a friendship and that you are afraid of hurting him by leading him on. Allow him to voice his own concerns too. Both of you can come up with a plan that will work. One of the things you can do is make plans that don't put you both being alone. So go out to dinner or meet up for breakfast. Things that will allow you two to reconnect and catch up, but won't easily become sexual. Yes, so keep focusing on creating a great group of friends. Even when you start dating another guy, make sure you keep a strong friend support. Perhaps you can both join a meet up group or even create one so you both can meet other guys to befriend.
Thanks, everybody, for listening and the wise and thoughtful replies. It helps tremendously to have the ears of others. Communication in relationships is key. My ex and I communicated well, but there were definitely things that went unspoken and/or we had assumptions about. Clearer communication will be key if things are to develop into a true friendship.
i look forward to hearing that you are able a first successful person to friendzone an ex for more than a week without getting passionate
Hey. This is a difficult situation to navigate. But, I think it's possible. I know a number of guys who still hang out with ex lovers. I have a similar situation, except not as intense. I had a hookup that became a regular for several months and we became friends but stopped the intimacy when he got a boyfriend. Now, he wants to re-engage the intimate part and I am having to say no and he is upset. I have to be really careful because he really puts the moves on me. That might happen to you and it is so hard to say no sometimes.
