I am not happy. My thoughts keep going back and forth and I am feeling confused. I have withdrawn from my relationship with my husband... I feel gay but haven’t told him. Why is it so hard to tell him and look at the possibility of seperating. I know I am not happy right now staying with him. There is a comfort with the know... I have been with him for over 14 years we have children and I like many aspects of my life. I guess I’m scared of disrupting the good parts or what if I ask for a separation and then regret it.. but again I can’t keep being unhappy like this. Just needed a place to vent as I feel really stuck at the moment.
What you said above is exactly what has kept me in a stagnate state for two years now. I think it is more of the fact that inwardly we know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, so what if we leave for what we perceive as a happier us only to find failure and no the grass is burnt there. From my experience, knowing all of that and feeling the way I do, if I could go back to the day I came out to my husband two years ago, I would have leaped at that moment and asked for the divorce and moved on. Prolonging it just hurts so much more for everyone. I knew I was unhappy, I knew I didn't really want the marriage to continue, but the what-ifs and my own insecurities kept me doubting and making excuses. I say this all with a clear mind and sound soul. Tomorrow I could give a different answer...
That is always a difficult decision - and is complicated by the fact that you have children. Even if we may not be happy in our current situation, we are comfortable with it - it is what we know. Changing could be better or could be horribly worse. As a result, most people are stuck. I have no personal experience to draw upon, so I would simply suggest that talking to someone (counselor) might help you come to a decision. Good luck
Until you do make a decision, maybe start changing some things about you that you want to change - like your hair or clothes style. Is there anything that would help you better acknowledge you that you haven't done? Mine was definitely a hair cut. I love short hair and feel most comfortable with it, but have kept it at should length or longer because it was what others thought I looked best in. I cut my hair and now I think I look so much better at least I am happy with it.
T The prolonging definitely is painful. I haven’t even come out to him and have consistently been feeling this way about my orientation for over a year now ♀️ The emotional and physical disconnect makes sense to me but I know it doesn’t make sense to him but I feel frozen in fear when I think about telling him. I feel like it’s not going to be a “grass is greener on the other side” situation. I’m unhappy now but if I tell him I anticipate things are going to get really uncomfortable and difficult between us. Ugh..tension is just higher right now which will ebb and flow each week just feeling it more now.
This is exactly why I feel stuck. The known is not great but mostly comfortable but the unknown feels so scary. I have a therapist and am trying to figure out my best path.
I I have been keeping my hair much shorter the last 5 months or so t does feel nice and I get compliments that everyone likes it shorter. Win-win!
“This is exactly why I feel stuck. The known is not great but mostly comfortable but the unknown feels so scary. I have a therapist and am trying to figure out my best path.” I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. I can really relate to your feelings. Change is always hard, especially something this big. Do you feel more like it’s “if I leave” or “when I leave?” For me it progressed from if to when, even though I haven’t got up the courage to leave yet. I know it’s coming, just not ready for it yet. But I definitely agree with Weary that dragging it out is taking a toll on us both. I don’t think we’ll ever feel 100% sure, and as my therapist told me, whatever choice we make, we will have to give something up. It’s very sad to think about, but at some point I think you have to weigh what you lose vs. what you gain. PS my change was I really cut back on makeup. It feels good
I feel like I am transition from the “if I leave” to the “when I leave” right now which is probably why it’s bringing up these stressful feelings... as I get closer to feeling more of a “when” I get scared and start to backtrack and wonder if I am going about this all wrong. In my mind I feel like the choices would be more clear if I had real life validation with my feelings regarding my orientation. I have never actually had any physical experience with a woman and sometimes i wonder if it’s all just built up in my head...only it’s been nonstop in my head for over a year so deep down I’m sure it’s true.
I’ve had physical experience with just one woman, but many times, when I was younger and then again recently... and yet I’m in the same dilemma as you, second guessing myself, wondering if my feelings were just for her? Or women in general? At one point, I wanted to be with another woman before I left my husband, to “confirm” my feelings... but I’m not sure that’s realistic. In any case, talking with a LGBT-specialist therapist (actually a lesbian herself) was very helpful in sorting through all those feelings. I’m still not “there” but I feel a bit more clear.
@Elle993 and @L8bloomer I feel the exact same way even now. I am 100% sure most days then feel the doubts of wanting to make sure before I screw up my marriage. But there really is no honest way to do that. Yes, I could have an affair or hookup, but then that guilt would haunt me and destroy the marriage anyways. I've got enough guilt on my plate as it is. So the only answer for me is to separate/divorce.
Sorry, just wanted to add this too... for many years I knew I was physically attracted to women, but it was only recently that I knew I could also have an emotional and romantic connection as well (when I was younger, we were best friends with benefits; basically we didn’t know the significance of what we were doing). Anyway, my point is, I would encourage you to think not just about sex (cause women are super hot, duh!) but also love and relationships. Could you legit see yourself living with a woman, having a life together? Being partners? Food for thought...
As a friend recently said to me, there really is no “right” path in life... despite what we think. There is just the path we take, and that is right for us. At some point we need to take a leap. Thank goodness we are all here to give each other these pep talks
I wrote a post exactly like this in another group. I too have been with my husband for 14 years and we have two girls together. He doesn't know im bi. Im miserable cause i desperately need sex with a woman. Sex life with him is okay, not great. I know id be happier exploring my sexuality. Message me if you want to chat. Our lives are too similar not to talk
I could most definitely as that is my future goal. Funny thing, tonite in my NLP class we were discussing Freedom vs Security - which would you rather have. The professor brought up the bird in the cage story - It's an old story, I've heard many times, but it hit home with me for the first time. I understood it or at least I thought I did previously, but in my current situation it was an aha moment. I think we are all at that place right now - the bird on the floor, out of his cage for the first time, trying to decide go for freedom or stay where we are secure. What will you decide?
@weary this is also like, literally the goal of therapy too, right? To unlearn coping mechanisms that worked for us at one time but which are no longer healthy? Why is it so scary? I feel like what I have now is not ideal, but at least it’s the known. If I leave, the unknown is terrifying. Of course I don’t want to hurt my husband and kids, but let’s be honest, I am scared too.
With Neuro-Linguistic Programming the focus is on the why behind our actions so that we can get to the core of who we our and in the process help us live authentically. That is the point of all this regardless of the final outcome, isn't it? Progressing in maturity and confidence so that we can live an authentic life for ourselves. We can go back in the cage that takes away our freedom, or leave on our own journey without the security of the known.
Wow - we do have very similar situations. Did you explore your sexuality before meeting your husband or did this come about during your marriage?
We seem to be in exactly the same situation. I was bad and explored once before we got married and then once not long after. The second was in 2011, so ive been faithful since but it is a challenge each and every day. I am SO afraid to tell him
