wait until after high school to come out?

Hi Nat! I'll take this line by line to try and offer some (bad) advice

Without sounding accusatory towards your friends, you say they're not homophobic, and yet they say stuff like "you look like a ****" - do they say this around/ to your gay friend? It's possible that they're just not thinking about their language choices, like you say they just throw it around, so also without defending them I think if you came out and explained that what they said was hurtful (or your adjective of choice), they might stop and think. If they don't... cross that bridge when you come to it.

Regarding coming out... it's up to you. Does it feel like an integral part of your identity? You say you censor yourself around them 'cause you like LGBT performers - I'm sure it'd be very freeing to be able to talk about them without the stress of being found out. You could test the water by bringing, say, Troye Sivan up in conversation randomly and trying to gauge a feel, or you could "bite the bullet" and come out. When I came out at around 13/14 I did it via text message, and there's no shame in that! Also don't feel like you have to tell them all at exactly the same time - it's not a "who I like best" thing, more the person you'd feel most comfortable with.

I had the same fears about my friends being uncomfortable around me, and the reaction was mostly positive - and if that in itself doesn't sound positive, this was about seven years ago, and the world is so much more accepting now!! plus, you say they're nice to your friend.

Overall you can absolutely wait until college if you wish (in my experience, at least with my 90% female students degree, you end up with soooo many LGBT friends, it's wonderful), but it sounds like this is eating you a little.

I hope my ramblings made some sort of sense!

 

Hey Nat, Welcome to the forums!

Why do you think that they would treat you any differently if you came out as bisexual? It has to happen only when you are ready, but it sounds as though your friends being suspicious may very will already know and were bringing their "suspicions" to you as a nudge out of the closet. Clearly they are supportive of LGBT people so they should understand that it takes time to build up the courage to come out to them.

I will say that you sound like me in terms of being OCD about any possible conversation/clothing/mannerisms/etc. It will eventually make you miserable if you are not living honestly with yourself. Many on this forum can attest to that (myself included). For that reason alone it is worth coming out.

Are you out to your parents? How would they react to you coming out to them?

 

I'll admit something here - when I did my "first round" of coming out to my high school friends, I never actually told my best friend. Like you, we'd been friends since we were young, and I was worried about her reaction, and she found out through one of our friends that I had told. She was a little hurt and was like, "why did you think you couldn't tell me?" Ultimately, though, we're the ones coming out - if we feel more comfortable telling one person than another, that's our prerogative, in my opinion. You say you don't want to burden the people you might tell first - I'm sure the opposite will happen, and they'll be really supportive and encourage you to tell the rest of your friends! having some support behind you really really helps plus, the "secret" is that you're bi, it's not like "when I get home after school I bathe in mayo", something they'd have to immediately blurt out to someone 'cause it was so shocking - it's probably not as big a deal as you imagine it'll be to them

what would change if you came out and the reaction was (as I'm sure it will be) positive? If you'd feel much happier or comfortable in yourself then I say go for it - it could make that year and a half your best time yet!

 

Probably what your mom is saying is that she wouldn't prefer her offspring to be gay, but there is nothing wrong with it and she would be accepting. You have to look at it from her perspective... When she was growing up LGBT people had it much more difficult than we do now, and instinctively she is going to want her offspring to have as many "normal" characteristics as possible/ least amount of potential hurdles to overcome on the way to creating a successful life. She (like most mothers-mine included) probably would also like to have grandchildren one day, and in her mind probably equates being gay with no children.

In my situation I had vehemently denied being gay to a couple of my friends before I came out to them. (They attended the same university as I did after high school) The best response that I got from one of them was "You know that we have been waiting for you to stop lying to us and yourself for like 4 years now?" And that was during a period that I wasted most of my hours in public hyper-analyzing every action that I did, driving me insane.

 

Haha, I completely understand. I am dealing with the problem of coming out to my father right now, as I am getting married in 7 months to a guy and he's the only close family member I am not out to, and will surely find out at that point. (My parents are divorced.) I didn't tell him for the same reason you put it off... It wasn't something that drove me crazy like my friends did as well as my mother. The reason that I bring this up is that if/when you do end up in a serious relationship, it is better to come out to family at that point as it is much easier to come out dating someone than the shock of having to tell your parent "Hey, by the way I'm getting married... and its a same sex relationship..."

It sounds like your first steps to coming out when you are ready will be to tell one or two friends who have already suspected and you know are already supportive of LGBT community. Choosing someone who you know will keep it confidential until you are out to everyone else is important as well. Every time you come out to someone, it gets easier to do next time. From what you describe it might be best to wait until college to come out to your parents as it could lower your quality of life by being under the microscope all the time by your mother. Just be aware that it can become more difficult if you wait too long like me.

Are you an only child, or do you have brothers or sisters?

 

Thanks for the good luck! You should definitely stick around, this forum is filled with useful information and great people! I take long breaks between posting sometimes, but I've always found so much help here that I always come back.

 

Heya, sorry, yesterday got busy!

I think that if you're as close as you are, you can open up to her and it'll just make your friendship stronger

There's no need to tell everyone at school if you don't want to! Nowadays what with me doing a creative degree and writing about my sexuality a lot lots of people know, but at school I stuck to friends only. Do you live in a homophobic area or are you just hypothetically worried?

Hey, maybe the opposite will happen - maybe you'll get your friends into YOUR music and YOUR films and you can bond over those! Friendship goes both ways, you can totally have a turn in sharing your own interests

No worries, I'm glad I could be of a little help! I'm sure whoever you tell will really put you at ease

 

Long past high school days here and certainly you know your situation better than anyone.however based on my experience come out as soon as your sure. Better not to waste years pretending like I did. The liberation you feel not having to hide the fact your gay is so rewarding. Sure some people will be surprised , some perhaps angry but in the end it’s your one life. You owe it to yourself to live it honestly and happily. I wish you all the best, you are indeed a very intelligent brave young woman so intune with herself and her sexuality.