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Is there even a point?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Butterfly6, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. Butterfly6

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    I've started to avoid my husband, avoiding intimacy mainly because I don't want to hurt him in the long run.

    I'm still attracted to him but not when these feelings for women become really strong it's hard to be close to him.

    I'm probably more of Kinsey 4. I'm thinking of starting therapy but not sure if that will even help.

    I cant shake the thought that I'll be happier with another woman but I'm still both sexually and emotionally attracted to men.
     
  2. L8bloomer

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    Why do you think your attraction for your husband has faded, considering you still find other men attractive? What is it you find attractive about men vs. women? There are different kinds of sexuality... like, someone could be homosexual (prefers sex with same sexual) but bi-romantic (emotionally attracted to both sexes). I think a therapist - especially one who specializes in LGBT issues / could help you sort through these feelings...
     
  3. Butterfly6

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    It honestly feels like I want to run away from my husband and kids and go explore this new world. I just find it really hard to remember my husband when I'm in my fantasy world or things just feel off now.

    I've never been with a woman but if I think about myself in high school my sexuality was fluid. I would get tired of a crush on a girl and go back to guys.

    For women it's a strong emotional attraction that can turn sexual (maybe?) I've never really had sexual fantasies of women I know, just thoughts.

    With men it can a romantic attraction turned sexual or most likely sexual turned emotional, very lusty. I still love men but I feel really weird lately.
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    Do you think there is something specific that happened that changed the way you feel or do you think it just happened gradually over time.
     
  5. Butterfly6

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    This may have been something that was always there but went away for years...I'm obsessively thinking of women now. I just want to run away.
     
  6. shasha1997

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    you may be bi curious. suggest you try an affair with a female before you break away from your family to insure this is what you really want.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    I'm not sure I would advise an affair, I'm not sure that will necessarily help anyone.

    Have you spoken to your husband about what is going on at all? I just wanted to come back to a point you made in your first post about avoiding him because you didn't want to hurt him but in a way eventually if not already the avoidance and distance itself will hurt him. I'm not saying you are doing the wrong thing just that sometimes we end up in situations where the path ahead, whichever you chose involves some hurt and there isn't anything you can do to stop it completely, you have to decide what you want to do longterm and then figure out the best way of getting there that involves the least hurt possible.
     
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  8. L8bloomer

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    I like the idea of being with another woman before you leave your marriage, but is it possible to do it in a way that’s not an affair? I’ve always been bi and hadn’t thought of women in many years. When my feelings resurfaced about a year and a half ago, I talked to my husband (who’s always known I was bi), and he was ok with me exploring something with another woman. Unfortunately, he feels like that backfired on him since I’m now leaning toward lesbian and may leave. But, as painful as it is, I think it did helped to confirm my feelings and figure things out more quickly...
     
  9. nerdbrain

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    Therapy is a good idea. Really helps to talk about stuff with another person. Try to find someone who is LGBT themselves, or at least has some experience with issues around sexuality.

    Also, I found it was very helpful for me to meet gay people, go to gay bars, and do some "gay" activities. This can help demystify the whole thing and give you a sense of whether you really connect with anyone in real life. It's a way to dip your toe in the water without necessarily having an affair.
     
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  10. L8bloomer

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    Agree with @nerdbrain. Check out meetup for some local groups... mixers, social clubs, etc... You can go in either looking to meet someone or not. It’s a good way to just check out the scene and see if you feel “at home”...
     
  11. whistle1

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    I've seen some others say that they have such obsessive thoughts about same-gender fantasies that they want to run away and start a new life. Actually doing something like that is obviously much easier when you are are single. When a spouse and/or children are involved, there are others to consider.

    I think going to a counselor is a good first step. While they will not be able to tell you what to do, they may help you see things more clearly and allow you to come to a decision.
     
  12. shasha1997

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    How can a married person be romantic with someone other than spouse without a label of affair or a synonym for affair?
     
  13. L8bloomer

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    My husband knew I was bi and gave his blessing for me to be with another woman, who was also someone he knew and felt ok about me being with. I guess you could say it was an open arrangement (the three of us were NOT together though). It was not an affair, in the sense that all parties knew the deal. I’m sure not many men would have been as ok with that as my husband was, and I am grateful to him for that. What I didn’t count on though, was the emotions that came up. At that point I knew something had changed, and so I eventually told my husband that I thought I may want to be with women more than men. And here I am on this forum trying to figure that out!
     
  14. Contented

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    While still dating my then GF I had an affair with the man who later became my partner. Once I had been intimate with him i knew without a doubt i needed to live as a gay man. We broke up within a month and within another month I had a BF. Felt bad for my then GF but what I experienced with my BF trumped anything I ever felt for a woman. I am now 100% gay and never looked bad.
     
  15. weary

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    It's called consensual non-monogamy and it's a real thing. All parties are aware of the situation and consent. Before even coming out I thought this would be a perfect solution for almost everyone..kinda similar to polygamy or polygandry. I mean really doesn't it sound perfect...in theory. Still think it makes so much sense practically.
     
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  16. Butterfly6

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    Thanks everyone. I'm in a lot of pain atm, I still love my husband very much, I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to him. I love our family so much.

    I'm terrified of these feelings. So scared that I'm starting to depersonalize.
     
  17. weary

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    I do the same when stressed. That's when you know you need time away by yourself to get a grip and get out of your head so you can get to the truth, your truth.
     
  18. shasha1997

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    A rose is still a rose even by another name. no matter how you label is still an affair if a married person is romantic outside the marriage partner. please refer to marriage license vows
     
  19. shasha1997

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    I pray that you are able to overcome these mixed emotions without significant, harm to your husband a unsuspecting third party and your loving husband.
     
  20. shasha1997

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    Corrected Version

    I pray that you are able to overcome these mixed emotions without significant, harm to your husband a unsuspecting third party and yourself.