Ethical non monogamy

So. Let's say that I am jealous of my wife's relationship with her father (which was true). These emotions caused me to think about why I was jealous of this relationship and to examine what it was about that relationship that caused my jealousy. Once I figured that out, I was able to get to the bottom of what was bothering me and work on the root causes.

As far as me creating a situation that caused my wife to be jealous I can provide this example. I had an on line friend who was a mountain bike racer for six months. He finally came to visit and met me and my wife. My wife suggested I take him on OUR favorite bike trail. Which I did. A day later, that forest caught on fire. I was probably the last guy to ride that trail and I did it with a guy I got naked with at the end of the ride (it was hot but not that hot). My wife has expressed jealousy (as much as she ever does...she is not a jealous person) that I rode that trail with someone else. This caused me to recognize what is important to my wife. That we share experiences like this. So, I surprised her with season passes at an extreme ski mountain (she is an incredible skier and athlete). I told her she was the one I most enjoyed doing these things with more than any other person. I make sure I spend as much time as possible biking skiing and climbing with her to reinforce this.

I cannot imagine my wife's root cause of the jealousy in shame. But, I will defer to Chip's expert opinion on this. All I know is that me being aware that she was jealous helped me work on our relationship some more.

 

Back to the subject of bisexuals and open marriages which was how this thread started.

Every relationship has some strong points and weak points. No two people can be 100% compatible and yet we fall in love and build relationships. And, every person changes throughout their lives.

In my case, my wife and I have had a wonderful love affair, partnership and friendship. But, somewhere in the last ten years my wife lost the ability to express passion. She just cannot feel this any longer. She admits that she is probably asexual at this point. And, if anything, my need for passion has increased. So, here we are with 90% going for us and this one thing that doesn't work any longer. Fortunately, I'm bisexual and I feel different things emotionally for different people. I can feel passion for a friend without feeling I need to pick out china. I can feel intense desire based on friendship. I just can. I can love my friends. Some platonically and some sexually. So, why shouldn't I do this? If this takes those relationships to a level of expression that includes intimacy is that a bad thing?

I seek out intimate friends that understand this and am honest and upfront about this from the first time I meet them. So far, it has been a wonderful experience and I am building lasting friendships that are based on common interests, care and, now, intimacy.

 

You just explained the problems with my 36 year marriage. I know I can be intimidating, especially when you cross into my field of specialty. My wife, however, must have been ashamed of herself, as she was always jealous of me, and denied me access to normal socialization. I tolerated it to keep the peace, but can see I should have taken it farther for her benefit.

My brain will be churning on this for a while now.

 

I'd love to hear your take on the following:

"Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame"

Is shame the result of, or the root cause of jealousy? Or is basic insecurity the bottom denominator of all of these?

 

This has been very educational for me. I think I have associated jealousy with envy and they are not really the same thing at all. I guess I rarely feel jealousy as this has been described and neither does my wife. At least often. Maybe this is why my situation works?

I am going to be even more careful with the guys I'm with. I want to be sure I'm not choosing guys that are with me because they feel unworthy of having a monogamous relationship of their own.

If shame and jealousy are so much more common in the gay community, this should be a real concern for me.

 

Back on subject. I discussed open relationships with my wife in the last couple of days. One thing that we agreed was that we could never have tolerated an open relationship early in our marriage. In our case, it took some years before we had the trust in each other and the confidence in our relationship that we could have an open relationship.

So, perhaps some of the examples given here of failed open relationships is because the relationship was opened before it was "seasoned" enough?

 

Seems like its going well for you guys

Be careful with this. There is something we call "new relationship energy" which is that almost high feeling you get when a new relationship is forming. The chemicals in your body go a bit bonkers and it seems you are always thinking about that new person, texting them, hanging out with them etc. People in long term mono relationships can be caught off-guard by how powerful it can be.

On top of it all, I would also talk to your partner about "check ins". Some couples plan them, but for my husband we check in with each other every so often to see how we are feeling, if we want to change something, if we want the other person to keep an eye out on something etc. It makes it so the conversations of "I want you to spend less time with x" feels less confrontational.