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Am I overreacting - friend's boyfriend videotaped me and another girl without consent

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by FlashBlue, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. FlashBlue

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    Hi everyone,

    I was wondering if you could offer a bit of advice about something because I'm at a bit of a loss and I guess I'm genuinely confused as to whether or not I've overreacting about this entire thing.

    So, for NYE I went to see some friends from university and we all went to this house party one of their boyfriend's was throwing. I didn't think it'd be that bad because I really fancied this one girl who I knew would be there and we'd
    flirted in the past.
    Long story short, we went upstairs before midnight and we fooled around a bit in a closed room (she lived in this house) - not full on sex, but we were getting there and we both semi-undressed.

    We were both a bit tipsy, mind so I didn't hear the door open at all. Lo and behold, I open my eyes and my friend's boyfriend is there in the doorway filming the entire thing. I've still no idea how long he was there, but my dress was hiked and chest visible so obviously I was really not ok with the entire thing. And neither was this other girl.

    I was livid and had a go at him, demanding he delete it. He wouldn't give me his phome, but my friend 100% swore to me she deleted it. But then she gets upset. Somehow this becomes about her relationship and not the fact her boyfriend is a creep. Downstairs everyone seems to know what happened. His friends are saying it's just a bit of "banter", which is obviously bullshit so I left with my other friends and they let me cry about the entire thing over pizza. I asked this other girl if she wanted to come with and if she needed space from the house, but she really just wanted to stay there and go to bed.

    The next day, the creep sent me a really half-arsed apology, again reiterating that it was just banter and a prank for the girl. They wanted to show her the video at breakfast the next day with all of their housemates, preferably without me knowing about it. In the text he then sent that the other girl was suddenly ok with it?

    Hypothetically assuming she did give her eventual consent to being filmed (and I still believe she didn't, just because of how upset she was when the whole thing happened), I didn't give mine. I really can't put into words how not ok I was with that.

    The guy then inferred that he still had the video, so I filed a police report. All I wanted to come of this was to make sure this stupid video was deleted and not shared. That's it. (And that's all that came of it. Police gave him a bollocking, checked the video had been deleted and not shared.)

    My friend (the one who's boyfriend is a creep) thinks the whole thing was a prank gone wrong and that I'm overreacting.

    Does she have a point? I've tried to keep this as objective as possible, because I'm still relatively upset about the whole thing. I guess I'd just appreciate any insight you guys might have.
     
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  2. I'mStillStanding

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    Ummmm, no! Not cool at all! Prank? Please, gtfo with that. It’s ridiculous. You did the right thing standing up for yourself. Then the texts trying to make light of it and like it was no big deal... no! If you even suspected he had it, filing a police report was like awesome! I mean that took a lot of guts to do. Honestly this thing bothers me so much, you were out having a good time and should not be concerned that someone would do such a thing. Now the friend saying you over reacted, well I’m not sure how I’d respond to that. I would probably keep a bit of distance for a moment so I didn’t say anything I’d have to apologize for. She should know better and not be defending this.... but no you didn’t overreact at all!
     
  3. Lone Wolfe

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    This is far, far more than a prank gone wrong. This is quite possibly illegal activity (I'm not an expert on law.) Your initial understanding that the video was/had been deleted turned out to be in question. Alerting the police would have been the next logical step to assure your right to privacy. Playing a game of pretending it was deleted, and/or pretending they still had it around is just plain malicious. Not funny. If this had been me, I would have to be buying the guy a new phone (to make up for what I did to his old one).
     
  4. FlashBlue

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    We haven't spoken since the day after this whole mess happened and I've no intention of doing so until she gets her act together.
     
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  5. FlashBlue

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    That's what the police said as well, but they've checked his phone (I wish I had gone with your suggestion and broken it) and it has definitely been deleted and not shared. I didn't think they'd do much else, to be fair because when do they ever in these types of situations, eh?
     
  6. I'mStillStanding

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    Good! I’m sorry this happened... and honestly you gotta know how great it is you handled it the way you have! A lot of people don’t!
     
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  7. Shorthaul

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    No, I think you handled it quite solidly. Dude was a creep and likely would have uploaded it someplace if you had let it drop.
     
  8. Lin1

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    Congratulations for dealing with the situation the way you did, you were 100% right and I am glad you had the guts to report him, filming someone without their consent isn't "a prank" and I hope now he's got a bollocking from the cops he will understand so. Sorry this happened OP, some people have very litte respect for others and no sense of boundaries!
     
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  9. weary

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    What he did was wrong and illegal. You handled the entire situation respectfully. I always called this the frat mentality when I was in university, but it's more likely just an immature thing. Either way kudos to you for how you handled such a bad situation.
     
  10. Chiroptera

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    I'm sorry this happened to you.

    You are correct, and I'll go as far as saying that If your friend thinks this is "just a prank", you should consider if this friendship is a good thing for you.

    This is a crime, not a prank. You were right in reporting it.
     
    #10 Chiroptera, Jan 10, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
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  11. DirectionNorth

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    First, you handled this well, I applaud that you reported it and didn't put up with their crap of "what's the big deal, just a prank!" That was the right thing to do. I promise you, you are not overreacting, they are immature and need a good lesson for underreacting to this and blowing it off as nothing. That is not okay on so many levels, and if it isn't illegal already, it absolutely should be. I think I'm preaching to the choir when I say no one should be filmed without their consent, even if that other girl was okay with it, you were not and that should be respected completely. I'm also glad and relieved the police checked to make sure it wasn't shared because I'm scared to think how quickly it could've spread and where, so I'm glad you reported and they checked for that that quickly.

    This makes me so angry, not only that it happened, but how naiive the others are to think it's not a big deal. That WAS a violation, not just a frat, boys will be boys mentality. That was completely unacceptable, and, I can't say this enough, it's the right thing reporting it right away.
     
  12. Broccoli

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    I'm sorry this happened to you. You handled it extremely well and definitely are not over-reacting.
     
  13. Verklighet

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    I do not think you are overreacting at all, what you did was right. : )
     
  14. Kyrielles

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    Not overreacting at all imo. He was majorly in the wrong recording w/out permission. Maybe this will teach him a lesson in life.