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Struggling - Too Old to change?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Laconian, Jan 3, 2019.

  1. Laconian

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    Hi everyone
    I’ve been reading this site for a couple of weeks. Lots of good stuff and helpful people here.
    My story: I am 66 years old. I divorced my second wife of 28 years a couple of years ago for reasons relating to her mental health. Since then I have been having anonymous sex with men a couple of times a month. I found this confusing as I never thought of myself as bi or gay.
    I found a great therapist who has helped me realize that I have had an attraction to males for most of my life and that my repression and denial of that has contributed to my alcoholism and self-destructive behaviors.
    My problem is that I have internalized the homophobic attitudes of my youth. I don’t want to be a “faggot”. I am struggling to accept that my attraction to men isn’t just something I do once in a while but a critical part of who I am. It is very hard to do. I keep trying to deny that part of me. A recurring theme in my thoughts on this is that’s it’s just too late to change, give it up and just keep drinking.
    I know others struggle with these things. It helps me to write it down. I would appreciate any feedback
    Thanks
     
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  2. L8bloomer

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    Hi - my situation is a bit different but I can relate... 44 years old and still with my husband (for now). I’ve always identified as bi but even so, it’s so hard to accept that I may be gay. Many folks say you need to come out to yourself before anyone else, and I really think that’s true. We are all homophobic to some degree. For years I have numbed myself with food and alcohol and I know now it was a coping mechanism to basically get through my marriage - even though I love my husband dearly as a friend and family member. I was in the bathroom last night crying, telling myself I don’t want to be gay. I believe I’ll get there (I’m about 8 months in to this realization) but it’s a process. If you don’t already see a therapist, I’d highly recommend seeing someone, particularly if they specialize in LGBT issues. You’re not alone.
     
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  3. Contented

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    First and foremost unless dead you are never too old to change. Certainly this is a huge change for you however for whatever reason your sexuality is changing. Heteronormative brainwashing we all go through makes accepting homosexuality all the more difficult. Difficult yes, impossible no. Be honest with yourself, with your emotions. Seek a therapist skilled in LGBTQ transition issues and you find a path forward. Somewhere down the line the terms faggot, homo, queer will cease to have any effect on who you really are and want to be. Enjoy the ride. I can tell you from my experience gay is better. Good luck.
     
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  4. Laconian

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    Heteronormative brainwashing we all go through makes accepting homosexuality all the more difficult. Difficult yes, impossible no.

    So true
     
  5. quebec

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    Laconian.....Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! You're not too old! I am 68 and I came out here on EC when I was 64. I'm not out to the world as I just don't think that everyone has a right to know. Those who are important to me know and for me, that's good enough. It's never too late. I am such a different person now that the me of four years ago would hardly recognize who I've become. So listen to your therapist and see how you can also become the you that you need to be!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  6. Nickw

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    Hi and welcome

    I'm a bit different on that I'm bisexual. But, a big part if my coming out was that I had to accept that being bisexual is being gay. That I have the same attractions and desires as any gay man.

    So, in my late fifties, I am working on being out as a gay man. At least partly. I'm not announcing it and I'm not hiding it.

    One thing I did was start to look at attractive men and say to myself "it feels good to appreciate that man and that's OK". I started to make gay a good thing for me. Something I WANT to be part of me since, well, it is who I am.

    This isn't easy. But, you can do it.
     
  7. SevnButton

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    Hi @Laconian -
    I see it a little differently -- at your age you have a wealth of experience and accumulated wisdom. Now you're finally ready to change. The shackles holding you back are only in your mind. You have many good years ahead of you. Use them well.
     
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  8. whistle1

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    Logically, you know that certain behaviors (drinking) are self-destructive. Unfortunately, logic rarely enters into such matters.

    You said you are already seeing a great therapist. I would certainly continue to see them and discuss how to overcome the homophobic beliefs you've held most of your life.

    As another commenter stated, as long as you are still breathing, you aren't too old.
     
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  9. Dionysios

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    I am 63 and just came out. During a conversation with my best friend we talked about the terrible stigma that came for people who were considered gay. Terms like "fag," "homo, or "queer" were uttered with callous contempt. Those suspected as being gay were ridiculed and sometimes beaten up. It's not hard to understand why so many guys back then cringed at being identified as gay. Now I am older and no longer care what others think. Just wish I had the courage to have come out when I was a teen instead of waiting so long.
     
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  10. Nickw

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    My childhood boyfriend got HIV in the mid eighties. Many of his friends died... He lucked out. If I would have indulged my same sex desires when I was young I might have not survived.

    We can regret what might have been or we make the rest of our lives spectacular. The only thing holding us back from that is fear.
     
  11. Dionysios

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    To be candid, getting AIDS was also a big concern growing up. I admitted to my best friend that if I had come out when I was younger, I would be dead now from AIDS. Though it has taken years to come out, I do talk comfort in having wonderful memories of my years with my wife and our beautiful son. I just hope to have additional good times ahead as a gay man.*smile*
     
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  12. Laconian

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    Yes, I’ve thought about that too. If I’d been actively gay back then I’d probably have gotten aids and died. Instead I had a marriage and two children. Denial, repression, alcoholism, but alive and a chance now to be alive.
     
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  13. Peterpangirl

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    You will get there. I used to cry a lot and ask God to take my gayness away, because I felt life would be so much easier without it. Now, whenever I'm tempted to do that I remind myself that I'm a loving gay woman, whether with a partner or not. And I know that I can be a good and complete partner with a woman in a way I don't believe I could with a man. You are just a year older than me!
     
    #13 Peterpangirl, Jan 5, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2019
  14. silverhalo

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    Hey it's never too late, it's not easy to undo the years of internalised homophobia but it is totally possible. I found that saying out loud to myself when I was at home, I am gay and that is ok, helped me at first, it was quite difficult at first to get the words out but it became easier over time.
     
  15. SevnButton

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    In 1984 I hooked up with a guy. Some time later, we connected on the phone, and we were kind of talking about getting together when he abruptly bailed out. Later on I found out it was because he had been diagnosed with AIDS. Eventually we completely lost touch with each other, but the last I heard, years later, he was OK. So yeah, the epidemic was at my door step. I feel really lucky to be alive.
     
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  16. nerdbrain

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    I also used alcohol to deal with my pain and confusion. It helped me get away from myself. Now I'm sober and in AA. Sobriety won't help you resolve your internalized homophobia, but it can definitely help improve many other aspects of your life, which will make it easier to address those internal issue. If you haven't already, I'd suggest checking out a few meetings. If you live in a relatively urban area, you can even find some LGBT meetings.
     
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  17. Lone Wolfe

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    -> I have been having anonymous sex with men a couple of times a month. I found this confusing

    No shit. Anonymous sex has little or no feelings attached to it. There is no 'love' - just physical.

    -> My problem is that I have internalized the homophobic attitudes of my youth. I don’t want to be a “faggot”.

    So maybe it's not okay to be a "flaming" faggot, so how about try being a "butch" faggot instead? I don't mind being called a faggot, because that is what I am. I'm pretty sure I could covert the person making the claim as well, so little do they know about it. I used to say "Don't knock it if you haven't tried it, and no I am not offering." I wear the title as a badge of honor.

    -> I am struggling to accept that my attraction to men isn’t just something I do once in a while but a critical part of who I am.

    Try injecting feelings here - some love towards another man before having sex with him. You/They become sex objects when there is no love.

    Do you love yourself? Are we keeping that for ourselves, or are you willing to share your love with someone else?
     
  18. Hillary B

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    Laconian, I can relate to significant parts of what you describe. My truth as a trans-woman-curious and diagnosed genderfluid in my fifties is difficult for me to come to terms with in sexuality terms. A cis gendered (heterosexual) man most of my adult life nevertheless there is the trauma of early fierce parental rejection of my expressed trans desires which made me ashamed of enjoying my feminine side all my life. Until now, helped by therapy, but I’m up against supra (& deep and long time hidden) prejudices I have inculcated in myself that dressing is wrong and ‘gayness’ (ok finding a nice, attractive male just a little sexy!) is ‘wrong and yet I am traumatised by early life ‘locks’ I put on my freedom and happiness by denying myself expression.
    Ok to focus a bit it’s not too late and yes I too have used alcohol as a crutch at times to numb feelings in my life.
    Now I want to be real, beautiful and powerful and true to myself and hey, put a little makeup on and call myself my female name and girl up!
    Every so often why not?
    Who knows where it can lead?
    Finally perhaps I can sum it up as I still can’t help myself thinking sometimes (not always): ‘man in dress bad’ & I hate myself for thinking that - and yet ‘me wearing a dress’ is increasingly as I get older the me I want to recognise and enjoy.
    And if ‘me in a dress’ (my legs aren’t too shabby!) attracts a bf - who accepts me as I am then is that a crime?
     
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  19. Brandy Bee

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    So very true!
     
  20. Laconian

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    Thanks everyone. Lots of good feedback. Still struggling though. Some days I can think of myself as gay and welcome the idea of having a loving relationship with another man. And then there are days when I think that I’m not gay, don’t want to be gay, could never love a man. This whole trip is seriously weird and scary. The bottom shame thread really hits home with me. Good thing I see my therapist tomorrow.