Getting hit on by the opposite sex and drama

I didn't know where to post this, so I decided to post it here. If it's not the right place, I hope the mods will move it.

Anyway, I have something I'd like to get off my chest. As a mostly feminine presenting person guys keep hitting on me -and while it can make me feel flattered sometimes, it mostly makes me feel uncomfortable. It's been a year since I've come to terms with being a lesbian so it makes sense now, at first I thought I was emotionally unavailable or in fault for not enjoying the attention as other females would.
However for various reasons, I still don't feel ready to come out to everyone, it's not the right time. On top of that, my female peers, friends and acquaintances, because of the attention I get from men, well, I don't know how to put it without sounding like a snob, but I have seen over and over that they resent me. I didn't want to believe it most of the times, even when it was obvious, but they clearly saw me as a threat. And they still do.

I'm not talking about the same people here, just describing a pattern I've seen repeating itself over and over again.

The thing is, I don't know how to deal with this thing. I mean, I even had a woman I crushed on perceive me as a threat to a guy she fancied, when I clearly didn't make anything to imply we were anything beyond friends with him.

*facepalm*

I will be visiting a psychologist soon, so I will be having a talk about this all, but I wanted to share this here too. Any stories of people who have been in similar situations or have any tips are welcome.

 

How about getting and wearing a wedding ring on your left hand? That might slow them down.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. I've always been outspoken though and will make a joke about it. With the woman, I would comment "not interested, but me and you could go out". Or something similar depending on the situation of the moment. But if you're not ready for people to know, that wouldn't work.

 

Wearing a ring would mean I am unavailable to anyone but a fiance. It sounds a little drastic. I have pretended I'm in a relationship a couple of times though, because there are some that no matter how many hints you throw at them, just won't back off.

 

Humor is a great way to diffuse tension in awkward situations like this. Too bad I am still in the closet though. There aren't many things I can give as a reply without coming out.

 

Hmm this is a tough one. The wedding ring and "I'm gay" are the only things that come to my mind .You could also tell him off, but I figure he is a friend and you don't want conflict.

 

Technically, I am still married. That should get resolved once and for good this year. Meanwhile, I wore my wedding ring for about two years into my divorce simply as 'cougar repellent'. I finally decided it was time to take it off, and while I'm completely open to a new relationship, I don't see that happening for quite some time.

You can control when you wear one, and when you take it off. If you are not interested in any people at work, wear it at work. Take it off if you go out in the evening. You control when you want the repelling effect.

 

I usually reply I'm not interested in a non-confrontational, firm manner. Most get it and move along graciously. It's the women's reaction towards this type of attention that bothers me, although I have no control over how they feel obviously.

 

I see how that could work if you've been previously married. I'm 25 to 26 though and I've never been married. I'm not sure how well that would work for me. Although it does sound practical.

 

maybe they would be jealous no matter if you're gay or not, just jealous of ... attention.

 

Hmm, that is a tough one. Obviously in an ideal world saying "I'm gay" would be perfect, but in reality that just eggs most straight guys on, sadly...

I do like the ring idea, that'd end a lot of stuff. Not everything - they'd have to see it first, and also if it's a bar many guys just wouldn't care. In the end though your "firm no" is obviously a great way of going about it. I get it though, it must get old.

I am curious though - is your location referring to Athens, Greece? Or a different Athens? 'Cause I would imagine a larger metropolitan area like Athens, Greece would have to have a lesbian bar somewhere.

 

You don't have control over what their reactions are or even what they think of you. Time to let that go. You can control your reaction. I think accepting that we can't control what others think of us is one of the hardest lessons to learn because we all want to be liked. If we think of ourselves as likeable, nice people then it is even harder because we don't understand the why. But think of it this way, there is someone somewhere you do not like for whatever reason and they can't control your feelings either. So let it be. Just be your true authentic self and those who do come into your life will have value.

 

You're probably right. Thanks for dropping by.

For the moment, a firm no without any further explanation works well. They don't have to know why, if it doesn't click it doesn't click.

I'm working on getting more into the lgbt community. It honestly scares me to get into a different space with new people.

You're absolutely right, I know I can control only my reactions. I guess part of me is somewhere protesting that this happens. Emotions after all are different from intellect. I know intellectually 100% that I need nobody's approval or friendliness but my emotions don't agree.

Thank you all for answering, I appreciate it.

 

I think one way to look at it is, if you're in the closet, then your sex life is not up for discussion. So if these women are judging you for receiving attention and admiration from men without you trying to lead them on in any way, then it's these women's problem, not yours. You're not judging them in that way, so they should not be judging you in that way.

And even if/when you do come out of the closet, you are still not obligated to discuss your sexuality with anyone. It's up to you who you share details about who you fancy and want to have relationships with. These girls could probably be good friends with you if they stopped to think about how this attention from men was affecting you instead of just thinking about how its affecting them. But for some reason I'll probably never understand, everyone wants to talk about our sex life, even if we don't have one.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, own your sexuality. If that means being open about it, that's up to you, and if it means keeping your sexuality to yourself and telling people to fuck off and mind their own business, that's up to you as well. There is more to you than what these men or those women think about you.

 

I like this. Well put.

 

I cannot understand why. I have stumbled upon this. Why? Women don't react this way to gay men. Is that entitlement? Are those guys just jerks?

 

It's a combination of porn making them fantasize and them being inconsiderate assholes/idiots who either know nothing about LGBTQ issues or don't care to learn.

It's usually the conservative, "f*** PC culture" people.

 

Excuse me I have rich imagination as well, however, I don't throw it at random people, because it's rude.
So yeah, assholes. Agreed on that.

 

True, though my bet is moreso on entitlement and not caring, it's threatening their manhood to be turned down and they think of everything as just an obstacle to overcome. "You're in a relationship? I won't tell if you don't." "You're gay? You just haven't had the right man, I'll change your mind." The same on dating sites, all those profiles of, not even catfish, but blatant men trying to get lesbians. Not even transgender men, straight men with pics of their parts and really douchy bios.

 

Exactly, alot of people watch porn or fantasize, but don't push people in real life. It's douchy, entitled creeps who keep pursuing and take everything as a challenge rather than being respectful and moving the hell on.