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Conflicted over my sexuality?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Dani Cal, Dec 29, 2018.

  1. Dani Cal

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    So for the past year I've been getting comfortable with identifying as bisexual. I really have began to embrace who I am and feel out what I like, but at the moment I'm more conflicted than I've ever been. I'm starting to feel like I'm only really attracted to women, and that I might just be a lesbian. The feeling I have had for men is beginning to fade away, and I'm not sure if I'm still bisexual and just like women more, or if I'm just hanging onto the sexuality that was taught to me and I'm lying to myself. Can anyone help me sort it out?
     
  2. CactiCat

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    Wow. That pretty much described my situation. I’ve been out as pan for a while but now I’m thinking I’m just a lesbian. I’ve always gone for guys with feminine features and I’ve never really felt true sexual attraction to them.
     
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  3. Dani Cal

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    This is so confusing. I don't know what I really am and it's tripping me up. I was getting confident and now I'm hiding myself again.
     
  4. CactiCat

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    I’m doing the same thing.
     
  5. Contented

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    Except for being a male, this is exactly my story. Thought I was bi for about 10 minutes but as the desire for women faded away I had to acknowledge I was 100% gay. Losing the desire to be intimate with women strangely helped me rather than bothered me. It allowed me to see men as objects of emotional and sexual desire. Hung on to bi for a short time because I was afraid to say openly I preferred men. In a short span of time I could no longer pretend or hide the fact I was gay. It’s been over 2 years and I haven’t looked back. Once you free yourself from the heteronormative expectations we were programmed to believe life becomes easier.
     
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  6. tystnad

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    Hey Dani Cal (and everyone else in this thread with similar problems),

    Sexuality can be incredibly confusing, especially when we factor things like compulsory heterosexuality into account. While I can understand the desire to want to know exactly what word to use to describe yourself (ugh! wouldn't it be great to just have someone tell you "this is what you are" instead of having to go through this?!) i would actually recommend you to stay away from that a bit. You know you're attracted to women - why don't you, instead of trying to determine if you're bi or gay, focus on that for a little? Sometimes it's a question that can make us constantly question everything - "did i really like that guy i dated or did i just make it up?" - and you start overanalyzing and that rarely provides answers, but letting that part rest and focusing on what you do know can actually be very beneficial. Embrace the fact that you're attracted to them, go on dates, dedicate time to them and see where it takes you. The answers will come with time - maybe you'll start to yearn for men after a little while, or maybe you'll realise that you actually don't miss being attracted to men at all. It's completely valid to not know exactly who you are or aren't attracted to (even in a relationship, what matters is if you're attracted to that person - not if you could theoretically fall in love with someone of a different gender than your partner) and it's also completely okay to use one label and change it if at some point you feel another one is more true to yourself. Sadly, the process of self-discovery isn't one that can be rushed... but it IS one that will eventually come with answers.
     
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  7. eismeister

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    Hey there, same here. I was in a relationship with a guy when I thought I was bi. At the end of 4 years with him, really realized I was only into women. Looking back, it had been pretty obvious I had only loved women my entire life.

    My advice is to look back on your life and really be mindful of your feelings around men and women. Just focus on your feelings and whether they are forced. For me, my "attraction" to men wasn't real and was this forced thing I made myself do because that's how I was raised. I had never questioned it. When I looked at it and focused on what I was actually feeling and not what society was thinking, the thought of male anything disgusted me. Take your time. It will come :slight_smile:
     
  8. Contented

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    This is so accurate. I could have written this from a male perspective. With the aid of my therapist I started to review what I actually felt during the years I play acted at straight. I was doing what I assumed society expected of a typical male the whole time burying my disgust with females. I now realize just how much I was grossed out by heterosexuality. I don’t really understand how I hide it and survived all those years pretending. I guess things play out if you honestly focus on what is real for you and not what anyone else expects of you. Keep moving forward. You will find your way.
     
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  9. Panforlife

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    I have a similar problem, I say I'm pan but I can't find interest in any girls. I keep crushing on guys. Is it just I haven't found the right girls or that I'm straight?
     
  10. Jude B

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    I'd like to think of bisexuality/pansexuality this way: everyone is on a spectrum. Some like girls and guys equally. Some like one gender more than others. Some significantly like one gender more than others. Some like all of the genders and don't really have any preference.
    The list of variations is practically infinite. Trying to count them all and keep track of them is like counting all the stars in the universe by hand. It may be possible, but it would take you more than a life time.
    So, we use labels like bisexual and pansexual as a sort of basket for all of them to fit in, so we don't have to count and keep track of every variation.

    It's really all just up to the individual. It just matters whether you're comfortable with the label that you're giving yourself. If you'd be more comfortable calling yourself a lesbian, go ahead and call yourself a lesbian. If you're still comfortable with calling yourself a bisexual, keep calling yourself a bisexual. If you find a label that fits you more exactly, go for it.
    You definitely don't have to make up your mind right now. You have your whole life to figure it out. That's what life's for, really: to find who you are.
    @Panforlife
    @Dani Cal
     
    #10 Jude B, Dec 31, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018
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  11. Panforlife

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    Thanks for that @Jude B, I prefer boys over girls but I am open to anyone. I will continue to be pan because I feel that fits me!
     
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  12. out2019

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    For some reason, even when I was questioning bi never came into the equation even when I said I look at women. But it became more a relief because once I accepted I was gay I realized how much I was FORCING myself to look at women hoping I would get aroused and 'prove' I wasn't gay. I had not idea I was conscious doing this until one day it just popped into my head 'you don't have to pretend to like women anymore'.

    Like @Contented my attraction for women faded to zero after accepting I was gay. I can still tell you women who are pretty, and sometimes someone is just so beautiful it can be emotionally moving, but once I acknowledged my gay feelings, i felt attraction to women was something I was trying to force.
     
  13. Contented

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    As they say old habits die hard. You will find as you continue on your path less and less you actually pay attention to women. It becomes an afterthought. Certainly some women are beautiful no question but so is some art works. Does change the fact I prefer men.
     
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  14. Dani Cal

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    Thank you I really appreciate your advice. I just get stuck on needing a label sometimes, because I feel like I need to call myself something. I guess that with time I'll know.
     
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  15. ladykiki

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    I’m in the same situation, but sort of the opposite. I spent years debating my sexuality because I realised I was attracted to women, so thought I must be gay because of l that, even though I’d been attracted to guys. The thing is, I still do have attractions to guys. I wrestled with my sexuality for a long time (about 10 years, and filled a journal with thoughts) so I came out over a year ago to family and friends.

    The thing is though, I didn’t feel anymore comfortable after coming out to everyone, I didn’t feel as if I’d made peace with myself (I did for the first few months though). But I was so sure I was gay, totally convinced, but it was as if when I was ‘straight’ I kept the female attractions at the back of my mind, and when ‘gay’ I kept the male attractions at the back of my mind. I’d convinced myself that I was playing up the heteronormativity and the only reason I was attracted to guys was because society says I should be.

    Towards the end of last year I really fought within myself to ‘pick a side’, and realised I have internalised biphobia. I start this new year accepting that I’m attracted to both sexes, and that I do go through phases where either one will be dominant, but it honestly depends on the person.

    I would say (and sorry it’s so cheesy) to go with your heart. If you feel comfortable going with lesbian, you’ll know it. When I thought I was lesbian it didn’t sit right within me no matter how hard I tried to identify with it. Settling on bi has left me feeling lighter, not restricted, so if you feel that lesbian after a while doesn’t feel right, you’ll know.
    .
     
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