I had the most vivid, most memorable dream of my life two nights ago. I woke up in absolute shock... I dreamt that, for some reason, I got a grant to be able to completely renovate my life. For some reason, someone was giving money to LGBT people. Once I had that money, I got an apartment, away from home. I legally changed my name to Jude. I got a new binder that actually works. I even got to go to a clothing store and buy a whole new wardrobe. Being able to walk into that store, without fear or judgement, and pick out what I wanted was the most liberating thing I have ever experienced, even if it wasn't real. The last thing I remember is walking around in a blazer and tie. I felt absolutely free. I felt truly like myself. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt attractive. It was beautiful... Then I woke up... And now I just feel so... tired. Tired of feeling like I have to hide who I really am and that I have to conform to what my parents want. I'm so sick of keeping myself under lock and key. But, I feel like I can't do anything. I'm my own guard in a prison that I built, brick by brick. Maybe I deserve to feel this way, since I'm not brave enough to stand up against my parents? I know that, one day, things will get better. But, I guess I'm just getting impatient. Is wanting to be myself too much to ask?
If you can come out and your parents wouldn’t p anything drastic, then dips say do it. You caould also buy a binder and a few outfits and wear them when you go out. It’s really hard to take that step in talking to them, so you could maybe write a letter?
I know how tough it is to feel like you need to hide yourself. It's a tricky mind game and it tires you, but guess what? You don't have to. You never have to hide who you are just because of the judgement of others. You are amazing just how you are, and you should be proud of that. Maybe that dream is your hope for the future. If it is something you reach for, it's always there. Don't worry about people's opinions or what they want you to conform to. You don't deserve to feel this way it's just your mind tripping you up. Stay strong, this dream can be your reality.
I actually write letters a lot to express how I feel. It actually wouldn't be too far out of the normal for me to write them a letter. It's just very daunting for me to tell them that, after years of being "the perfect daughter," ya know? I'll consider it though. That's probably what I'll do anyway. Or, at least I will eventually, if I ever muster the courage to do so.
. Whenever you decide to do it, I hope it is a positive experience for you. We all deserve to live as our authentic selves.
I understand that kind of feelin'. Before I ever dared to come out as trans to my friends and foremost my family, I've been walkin' in 25 years of hidin'. I'm personally trans MtF and I used to have wonderful dreams of me bein' free to wear whatever I felt like. My most pleased and happiest dreams was when I wore either some kind of a nice dress or skirt. The dreams could be different, everythin' me tryin' to hide from others while I had no clue why I was wearin' female clothin' in the first place or it could be a dream where I've used some kind of spell where I could shelter the true view from myself to others (that I could see myself wearin' a dress while other saw me in regular male clothin') I could walk for days rememberin' every part of those dreams and just wish that I had a hidden cache where I could just pick whatever dress or skirt I wanted*^^* Like I mentioned, it took me 25 years before I had the guts to tell. I started with tellin' to some of my closest friends which I had a deep trust with. In case things would go wrong, I would seek their support if my family would turn their backs on me. A part of me thought they might do so since I'm their flesh'n'blood. Even if my whole family is open minded and very pride friendly (my cousin came out as a lesbian to my mum since she found her as a trustworthy person) I'm unfortunately an over-thinker where my thoughts can bring chaos to me if it becomes to much and I was afraid that they would turn their backs. So I started by comin' out to my little sister who I know that we've been supportin' eachother through our childhood, even if we didn't got along all times. I came out via a text message. Not only because I was on my vacation in Bulgaria and she on hers in Greece but I did realized after years of thinkin' that a written message was my key to come out for I lack the courage to do it via a conversation with my family. I believe it only took one week when I decided to copy the very same long WhatsApp message I wrote her and sent it to my parents. 3-4 min passed literally when I received a call where both of my parents declared their acceptance and they started askin' question about "Is that why you feel about this movie" or this song or whatever, to receive understandin' from the past^^ I gotta say, it was scary as heck when I did wrote everythin' and sent it. I received courage by havin' a pleasant conversation with my friends in Bulgaria where we talked about achievin' dreams in life and so. We talked for hours and told eachother about what's important in life and even came up with philosophical-ish thoughts(A) I was so touched by it all so I just had to write a coming out-message to someone. Since I also was quite sensitive about my little sister did experienced a terrible earthquake durin' that time, I was so afraid givin' myself the thought of what if I would've lost her to that... Ok, back again: As what I was tryin' to say, it was quite scary at that time but the feelin' afterward of bein' accepted was so wonderful!! Sure, I'm still hidin' towards the outer world but now I didn't had to hide at home. My family was so happy and supportive that they gave me a little spot in the closet where I could store some dresses if I felt like it and also hide 'em in case the relatives came over. My sister started givin' me tips of where I could get dresses with good prices and such^^ I do believe that there's a time for everyone where we feel that this is the moment^^ She's tricky, Destiny. She throws her dices and puts your life in peculiar paths unknown to us. But she has a plan, and she likes to play with us in that way I do believe that there'll be a time where you'll feel the fire spark within you. Feelin' that your soul is shinin' with strength and courage so that you'll be able to face your inner demons and fears. That fear that lives within each and everyone of us is a son of a wall to smack downxS We need to strike it several times to turn the bricks into gravel. All luck and happiness to those who carries the strength to do it by themselves for I certainly didn't carried that kind of courage. But feelin' the support from my friends, we became a massive siege ram to knock down that Wall of Fear. There's more shields for me out there to break through but that's another time for me and today is certainly not the time to tear those down Not just yet Whatever that happens, do remember that you're an amazin' person! If you ever need some strength, you can always turn to us or write a message if you feel like it as well^^ I might not be able to carry all of the answers but I'd be happy to support you on your way to a happy and free life^^ Imagine that those dreams of you walkin' around in a blazer and tie and have a whole new wardrobe - It is possible and I do believe that you'll have that life in the future I never thought it would be possible but today I carry a second wardrobe with a number of wonderful cosplay outfits as well as every day- and formal outfits^^ My dreams said that I would have a deep chest/cache of clothin' so I'll try to work on it I just need more money and find great deals, that's all;DxD
