My name is Kelly and I'm from Houston tx. I'm married to a man for 14yrs now and have 2 children. I have always been honest with my husband from day 1 that I was bisexual but it has grown into a place where all I think about is women and not just sexually also daydream of full on relationships. I have told my husband recently about the evolvement of my thoughts but down play it a little. I'm scared to death to think about separating and living on my own or if I should even do it at all. I'm torn but I dont see myself not fulfilling my dreams to be with a woman. Anyone else from the Houston area?
Hi Kelly, and welcome. A lot of us here are going through similar issues, and I know how hard it can be to face even the possibility of that decision. I've been married 3 years and in that time have had a drastic change in worldview (grew up very sheltered and religious) and have consequently come out to myself as well as my husband and a couple others. I knew I was attracted to women but was very much repressed and never thought it would affect me and my marriage like it does now. Some questions for you: have you been in a relationship with a woman, or experimented with girls, in the past? And, how long have you been feeling, I guess "more gay" than not, and feeling troubled by your thoughts taking over? Thinking about how long you've been feeling this way, and what else is going on in your life, may help you tease out if you are more unhappy because of your orientation or if something is not working in your marriage, or perhaps another reason entirely.
My marriage is not so great I'm my eyes, my husband would disagree. He thinks everything is pretty good, even though I've told him the issues. We have grown into two completly different people and I'm not happy. It's not a horrible marrige and he's not a bad man but just not on the same page anymore. I've never been in a relationship with a woman but was falling for one years ago but we both were married and nothing ever came of it. We cut it off before anything happened. I have been with a few women sexually but with my husband watching. Not what I really wanted but the only way I could without cheating. The desire to be with a woman alone is eating me alive, I think about it all the time. I have suppressed it most of my life and only a few people throughout my. life have know about my attraction to women. Shame and guilt and held me back.
Man can I relate to this. It's frustrating when the other person doesn't see it that way. I feel responsible for the issues we have- if I didn't say anything we wouldn't fight much, but we wouldn't talk/connect either. How does he react to what you have told him about your changing feelings?
In the beginning were you more attracted to women sexually or emotionally ? Why were you scared to pursue women in the beginning?
Hello! Kelly, that was my life up until a couple years ago. I honestly identified as bi until my late 20's (I'm 36 now). I was married for 13 years but my marriage wasn't all that happy after the first few. That doesn't really have a thing to do with me sexuality though. But by then I definitely knew I was a lesbian and I was very lonely for not just a sexual relationship but a true partner. As my unhappy marriage progressed we both sort of agreed to an open marriage. I had been with women before, both in relationships and just sexually. That kind of only put a band aid on it because I obviously couldn't have a normal relationship and I was miserable. Out of nowhere, and I swear accidentally lol, I met a woman two years ago that changed the game. Neither one of us were looking for anything but we just fell hard. Suddenly it didn't seem so scary. I'd wanted to leave my husband for years but I was afraid. I was afraid of him, I was afraid of what it might do to my kids, etc etc. Once I met her I knew I wanted a life with her, and it wasn't as hard as I thought. A mother figure told me that of course your kids are important, but they'll grow up and move on with their lives and so it's important to be you and not just live totally for them alone. I don't know if my story helps you much but just so you know you're not alone and I guess I'm a success story. But ps, after two years I'm still with that amazing woman.
I can really relate too. 44 years old, with my husband for 20+ years including dating. Pretty much my adult life. Kids are 9 and 6. I’ve always identified as bi and had been with a woman before I met him. She and I reconnected last year after I found myself thinking of women a lot. Sadly that didn’t work out, but now my eyes have been opened I’m feeling fairly gay as opposed to bi. Just cannot bring myself to be intimate with my husband. And so, so afraid to hurt him and our kids. Do I stay for them? I would tell you that as someone who has been trying to do that for around 8 months now, it gets harder and not easier, at least that’s my experience. It feels very lonely and I’m beginning to wonder if this is really the best thing for anyone. You want your kids to see a healthy relationship. You want them to see you taking care of yourself. And as my therapist has told me, kids adapt. So, while I can’t take my own advice just yet, that is my goal that I’m working on. It’s ok to cut yourself some slack and recognize it’s a process.
If it helps at all, at the time of my separation I had a 15 and nine year old. They did adapt, very quickly. I believe I am a better mother because I am happy now, and they get to see what a healthy relationship is like instead of how it was for me before. I know this isn't true for everyone but just my two cents in case it's helpful. If either of you ladies (or anyone else in a similar situation ever need to talk about how things are going for you through all this I am happy to lend an ear.
He wasnt completely shocked because I've always been honest. He was understanding and caring at first and even told me that I need to explore that side of me. He told me to "figure it out" go on a dating app and see if that's what I want. Well I did and that backfired quickly! He was so upset and couldn't believe that I actually did it, had pictures and a whole profile. A couple days later he showed me a picture of a girl I was talking to....and yeah he catfished me. I was being open and honest telling him how I felt and trusted him and that's what he did. Everything as of now, past month or so things have just been back to normal as in ignoring everything that happened. I'm sad though, I feel trapped in a lie, in a marriage with a man. I'm not being true to myself but feel guilty because I'm 35 with 2 kids and have let this go on for long.
In the beginning it was sexually but as I got older it became emotionally too. I was only afraid of disappointing my family and how they would react. Sad but true.... most of my friends have known for a long time that I was bisexual growing up. Now it's a different feeling. I dont feel like I would ever pursue a man again if we got a divorce.
Hi @Kelly22 and a Big welcome,thank you for sharing your story. There are others on here EC that understand what you’re going through, don’t be hesitant to chat with others. I myself am in same situation as you married, been with my husband 13 years with 2 kids. I joined over almost 6 months ago and I’m still in same place physically but my mental health has improved greatly since joining EC. I was severely depressed and had no desire for life anymore, I slept a lot and cried a lot. Now I feel like I’m open to the world in this small space online I can talk freely.
That's awful he catfished you. I'm sure he was surprised (even though it sounds like both your expectations were clear) and afraid of losing you, but that's not a good or helpful response on his part.
Thats cruel what he did. Does he not realize by him doing that ,it will only push you more away and not trust him? You more of felt more ashame and embarrassed. It sounds like he didnt believe you or is afriad of losing you. It will take time but eventually you will work up the courage of moving on.
Kelly it sounds like you have issues in the marriage aside from your sexuality. What he did to me was unacceptable. It sounds like he purposefully 'set you up'. Agreeing just so he could catch you and start a fight. As far as separation/divorce, you have to make the decision for yourself. Kids are resilient. Grownups have the most difficulty adjusting and taking that leap. I am in a similar predicament. I came out 2yrs ago to my husband. We have a 13 yo daughter together. I have been up and down and back and forth every which way in the decision process. It's a roller coaster ride that won't stop until You stop. I thought I had finally pushed the stop button. We have legally separated and he had an apt to move into Jan 1st. With everything he still just wants everything back the way it was for him. I backslid on Christmas and told him 6 more months, then yesterday told him again he has to go. Do-over I would cut the cord quick and begin to rebuild.
Hey it's definitely a difficult situation but I think whilst separating would obviously be a period of adjustment for everyone, if you are truly unhappy then your children would be better off with split parents who are happy than together parents who are unhappy and however much you try and hide it from the children they are very perceptive. My question would be do you think the issues in the relationship are things that can be fixed or worked on e.g. With some couples therapy or not? If you don't think they can be improved then I would say perhaps start looking into the logistics of a separation. Although of course you are the only one who can make that decision.
One suggestion: go into Houston, visit some lesbian bars/events, or find some support groups, but in any case meet some other people in non-sexual contexts. Try it on for size, see how it feels. You can pretend to be as out as you feel comfortable. If it's exciting and you want more, that's a strong signal you should consider separation. Just did a quick search and there is a place called The Montrose Center you should check out.
No expert here but based on what you post it does sound like your coming to terms with your lesbian nature. I can tell from a male perspective that once that transition starts it’s almost impossible to put the genie back in the bottle. The time will come when you can’t and don’t want to pretend any longer. You owe it to yourself to be happy. If that’s with another woman so be it! The world will not stop spinning and your family will adjust. Good luck as you chart your course towards the real you.
For me, the catfishing crosses a line of trust. I hope you figure out soon what it is you need to do for you.
