Am I asking for too much?

I am not married, but I am a child coming from a dysfunctional marriage that has ended.

You know your situation best, so I can't tell you what you should be doing, but I can offer a thought. You're right that these reasons you mentioned are not healthy reasons to keep a relationship. Communication is of utmost importance for a relationship to work. If you want to see what solutions there are you could seek a couple counselor. As they say it takes two to tango, so if something's not working, it's not only one person responsible, no matter how each one of you sees things. I don't know if you're willing to go through that route, and visiting a counselor doesn't mean you'll 'save your marriage', it might however help you figure out what to do with your current situation.

Feeling lonely in presence of others is the worst kind of loneliness, it means you are not 'alone' but in bad company. My experience has shown me that no company is better than bad company, but we're talking about a marriage here, so you naturally will want to think things through.

 

Hi, i don't think your over analyzing at all, it sounds like he's hoping its just a passing thing for you. So he doesn't have to deal with the emotional aspects and any changes to your relationship. Have you or can you talk to a LBGT therapist, cuz one could help you to explain it to him in a different way.. ? .
Hang in & good luck
Ron

 

Hi @LaneyM -
I think I may be a lot like your husband. If I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do, I just keep pushing on with whatever I DO know how to do. I don't think many straight people spend a lot of time thinking about what to do if their spouse turns out not to be straight. Good on your husband for doing some research, that's a good sign. But to truly understand, he'd have to do a LOT of studying, with information from many different sources, and discussions with lots of people. My guess is that he loves you deeply and is freaked out (whether or not he shows it) that he is going to lose you. Between the two of you, you're the expert on LGBTQ issues. That means you have to start the conversations, and you have to figure out what you want, and whether that includes your husband.

This is not easy for either of you. For your husband, I hope you can be gentle and kind. For you, I hope you find your answers.

Hugs-
=Sevn

 

Yeah... sounds like he’s in denial. And of course he is, right? You are not asking too much, but he’s not there yet. He may never be. My situation is similar, somewhere between bi and lesbian, and my husband’s reaction was similar. I’d love for him to understand and accept this and encourage me to live my happiest life, but I get that he’s also terrified of losing the life he’s had too. Therapy is great, also check out Joann Fleisher’s book. Feel free to also check out recent my post about souses’ reactions... I got some really good comments from others there.

 

@LaneyM, I think my situation is similar to yours in that I know I should be talking with my wife about my sexuality, but opening up the subject risks another round of fears, blame, and hurt feelings. We have had at least one (maybe more) really good discussion. Comes to mind when I told her I would never fully understand the experience of giving birth to a child, any more than she will ever fully understand the experience of being something other than straight, and she understood. So there's hope. But I think you and I both need to figure out how to muster the courage, empathy, and self-awareness to open the conversation and keep it on track.

 

I'll start by saying that of course you aren't asking too much. But I'm not sure from what you've said that you actually asked for what you want. My assumption is that you told him you were bi. If that is the case, I for one (and apparently I'm the only one) don't think he's being unreasonable or in denial. I don't actually know a lot of bi people, but I've been in the LGBT community for a LONG time so I've probably met more bi people than the average straight guy, and one of the main things I've always been told by bi people is that the whole notion that bisexuals can't commit, that they can't end up with one man or one woman and live happily ever after is a hateful and ignorant stereotype. I absorbed that to the point that a lot of the discussion of bisexuality on EC is frankly confusing to me, in that it really seems to confirm what I was told was a stereotype.

I'm gay. I'm also married. I'm attracted to my husband and a fair number of other men. It's important to me that I am able to share that with my husband. Not everyone is up for that, but we are. We talk about how hot other guys are, and occasionally I watch porn and that porn has other men in it. My husband and I are alright with that. It doesn't mean I sleep with other guys; I don't. It doesn't mean I'm not able to be faithful and married. I'm pretty sure that's what your husband is picturing, just with other women in place of, or added to, the other men. If that's not what you're picturing you're going to have to tell him, because at least in my opinion it isn't unreasonable or "denial" not to infer that from "honey, I'm bi."

 

LaneyM I so empathise with you.
And some fab comment here so you are not alone.
Also thank goodness for EC and the thoughtful types who try and make sense of the human condition we find ourselves in.
I am being non specific but I hope positive.

 

@LaneyM I also meant to mention for your husband - a support group called the Straight Spouse Network. Not sure your husband would be open to that (or if he thinks he needs it yet), but at one point my husband did check it out and they seemed to have a lot of resources and local meetings.

 

LaneyM

I can really empathize with your situation. Even though I was not out to my wife, I did long to be with a man during much of my married life. Yet, I was very committed to my marriage and never considered that I would leave my marriage or have any relationships, with men, in addition to my marriage.

I wouldn't have wanted, nor would my wife have tolerated an open marriage. When I came out to her, she acknowledged my sexuality and supported me but also insisted on monogamy. All that was fine with me. But, it took her a long time to understand that my sexuality was not a switch I could throw. That I was with her so I didn't NEED to be gay.

I never thought I could "have it all". My wife and a man. Now, I sorta do but it is only because my wife is no longer interested in sex and my relationships with men fit into our marriage.

But, to be completely honest. I would easily give up this "having it all" with what my wife and I had for nearly 30 years.

It takes a very special person and a very special relationship to allow a bisexual to fulfill their full sexuality. In most cases, something has to give. My wife and I are learning how I am a better person because of the men in my life. We are learning that I can be a better husband too. But, it is not easy and the path is not defined.

Your husband has every right to be concerned. How does he know how he fits in to your life? What is his future? They are real questions and we can't always provide a good answer.

 

I sure don't see it that way on this forum or with what the OP has said. Being bisexual can mean struggling with parts of your sexuality that you cannot fulfill with a monogamous marriage. It can be about trying to find a balance. That doesn't mean that we cannot live without having sex or relationships with both sexes. For some, it might be personally fulfilling, I suppose. But, it can take a toll on relationships; and, in my experience, most of the bisexuals I know, recognize this.

So, we struggle. For some of us, this can mean really working to make relationships work because they are so valuable. Valuable enough that we must choose that relationship over our sexuality.

I know it can be hard to explain to a straight person or a gay person how different a same sex relationship and an opposite sex relationship can feel to some of us. How we can desire both but understand we can't have it.

 

@LaneyM

I didn't read through all the other posts. I'm sure you got a lot of good information and advice. I just want to add my two cents.
Because of how much I do care about my husband and yes even love him - we've been together 14years, I think when I had the initial discussion with him and even later and now, I most likely was not blunt enough for him to grasp the reality of it all.

He did the same with his 'research' and came back basically saying it didn't concern him because he thought I can just continue on as always. It was a punch in stomach feeling for me like what I said or how I felt didn't matter. I'm sure he all the best intentions but over time it has not gotten any better. In fact it has gotten much worse. Every time I state I'm lesbian and we need to separate or you need to leave - move out, he doesn't hear it. What he hears is the add-ons that I put in - how much I care about him and how I will always love him and I would love for it to work between us. All of which to him gives him misguided hope that the relationship could work. In my mind I am trying to be nice and spare feelings and help him adjust; in his mind I am telling him we can still work things out. Now he is here again acting like everything is back to normal routine and making comments about we can have 'couple friends' but not me having any single women friends.

All of that places more guilt and frustration on top of my overwhelming guilt of the entire situation. I'm not in full depression but getting there. I find myself sleeping 12-14 or more hours a day just to hide from him or to get some peace. It is effecting my mental status big time. He doesn't seem to care about that which is the usual. If his world is going the way he wants it, all is well.

Don't make the same mistakes I have. If there is any way you can leave for awhile or him leave so you have alone time to figure it all out, do it. Take that leap just so you can gain clarity and peace to figure out who you are and what you want without him there increasing your doubts and feelings of guilt.

 

Let your husband join emptycloset so he can understand more about the lgbtq community.

 

The bisexual label seems to me to be confusing, as it suggests to me an equal attraction to males and females. However, from what I've read, a genuine equal attraction is much less common than leaning one way or the other. If a person leans towards the same sex in their attractions but feels occasional attractions to the opposite sex, isn't it more difficult to feel "at home" in a monogamous opposite sex marriage? Also, I know a lot of people on EC would disagree, but anecdotal evidence on here does suggest that some people may move further to one side of the spectrum across their lifetime.

 

It sounds to me like your husband is (perhaps unconsciously) waiting for you to pick a side: either decide to engage fully in your relationship again (including sexually) or go be with a woman.

But right now, you're in a gray area. So he's pulled back. He's not ready to abandon the relationship either, so you two are in a holding pattern.

I was in a similar situation. I chose to separate from my wife so I could "figure myself out." In my own case, that hasn't gone so well. I often miss my wife, and sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision. On the other hand, if we were still married I know I would be in a state of conflict or crisis. I felt that I was doing the right thing by letting my wife go so she could find her happiness without being tied down by me.

One thing that caught my attention was when you wrote: "I think counseling is going to be a good option eventually, to help him see what's not working." If I was your husband and read that, I would probably be pretty angry and say something like, "What's not working is that you won't have sex with me because you think you might be gay!" Not blaming you here, just trying to show the other perspective.

You need to decide what you want to do. And if you don't know and need time or more life experience to figure it out, you should find a way to make that happen. Don't feel so bad about it, if possible. Many people go into marriages as one person and realize they are someone else later on -- obviously a sexual orientation change is a very dramatic example of that, but it happens to straight people too.