I told my best friend I loved her, big mistake

I haven't posted for a long time. I occasionally have logged in when I was feeling down and alone and thought about posting, started and deleted the post. I am not in a good state right now so I'm not even sure this will make sense. I just need to get it out. So my update is-I'm still living at home with my husband who is aware that I am gay. However, I am still in the closet to everyone else except a few friends. I have, for the past three years, been holding on to the hope that my best friend really was interested in me, even though deep down I knew she wasn't. She's very flirty with me or at least that's how I perceived it so I convinced myself that she was attracted to me. The blame doesn't lie with her- we were always drinking when this happened and I was always coming on to her, she just chose not to make a big deal out of it. She never asked me to stop and I enjoyed being with her so I got braver each time with the touches and comments that started so innocently. The anxiety of the whole situation has affected my mental health very negatively. When I told her two years ago that I was gay I was very specific in telling her I was not attracted to her. (big lie) Nothing changed friendship wise after that, we still did things together, got our families together, spent holidays together, vacationed together and such. However, the whole time I was falling deeper for her and I was thinking about what it would be like to be "with" her. I finally told her the other day how I felt about her, the desire I had to be with her, that I loved her. I'm not sure why I did after all this time, I've always denied the feelings I had beyond friendship to her. She recently had asked me if I was developing romantic feelings for her which I denied. Maybe the hope was still there that we could be together and I only needed to tell her how I felt and it would magically all come together the way I wanted. I couldn't have been more wrong. She wasn't angry with me, but said she was disappointed that I felt the way I did because she was afraid that I would not be able to handle it emotionally and I would back away from our friendship. She also said she didn't know what to do because now every time we are together she would think that in some way something she was doing was sending me mixed signals and I would get hurt. I thought I was in love with her, but I'm not sure now that I was. Now that its out in the open, I'm not sure I really wanted to be with her-I think I just wanted to be with a woman. I think I was wanted the safe route, she knew I was gay and accepted me for who I am. I thought I was more confident in being able to come out and live my life authentically with or without her but I'm not. I stay married because it keeps me safe. Safe from the social stigma, safe from my own fears, safe from rejection. And now I feel incredibly embarrassed that I told her, very vulnerable, very afraid that I have forever changed our friendship. I so desperately want to talk to her again about it but I don't know if doing so will make it worse.

 

I have been reflecting on this quite a bit. She and I have talked again. Things are good between us. She was very kind, and actually said what you did-that I am comfortable with her but if a lesbian woman came knocking at my door I wouldn’t have an interest in her anymore. She’s right because I know that if I were to meet someone who shared an interest in getting to know me I wouldn’t have been coming on to my friend like I have been. Going forward we agreed that we are going to work this out. We both value our friendship enough to get through this.

 

Thank you, I have talked with her again and I believe we will be ok.

 

I took your advice and talked to her again today. It all went very well. She is a good friend and only wants to see me happy. She also told me that nothing had changed for her, she still cares for me like she always has and wants me to get mentally healthy again.