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Impossible romantic situation

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BookDragon, Dec 30, 2018.

  1. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So this weekend I was at my best buddies house with some friends and we were all having a good old chat about silly relationship and sex stuff. Then, my best buddy admitted that a few years ago he had a crush on me. Nice, right? No, it's messed me up something fierce.

    I had the biggest crush on him when we first met, confessed to him and he wasn't interested so I moved on. Or so I thought. Apparently, this crush of his came about while I was dating someone super-long distance (literally the other side of the world) and I didn't know about it. Then I ended my relationship and he started one at more or less the same time.

    Had I known at the time, I would have ended things and dated him and for all I know we could still be dating - I know it's not healthy to think about things like that, but I can't help it. I feel like I could have been dating my best friend for literally years and I feel robbed of that. He ended that relationship as he realised he was gay - which again, doesn't exactly work in my favour (I'm trans female), but then we're both trans and he's dating a crossdresser so maybe, I dunno...

    He's in a relationship right now, and obviously, that means I can't say anything to him about it, and I feel really shitty for even thinking about it. Obviously, I don't want his relationship to end just so I might have a chance again, but also, I really want that to happen. It's selfish and I feel like a bad person.

    Also, I'm generally just struggling with these feelings in the first place, because I was pretty sure I had got over them years ago when I first brought it up, and I have no idea if it's just because I've been reminded of it, or if it's because I've been spending more time with him recently or if I actually just suppressed my feelings years ago and they are now coming out again.

    I don't know what to do and it's driving me up the wall. Please help.
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Oh, and I also don't know how to process the bit in my head where I have to decide a preference. On the one hand, the way things actually happened, I didn't know, but nothing bad happened, but nothing good happened either. But then the other two most likely options are A) It went well, and B) We dated, he realised he was gay and broke up with me, which would have been devastating I'm pretty sure and would obviously have sucked...I can't process any of this.