Hi guys, Back again for advice on coming out. Just some background: I grew up in Ireland (ROI) in a conservative Catholic family. I was sent to Catholic school from the age of 3 until I was 18. I have always been a tomboy heavily into more typically male sport: rugby, hockey, camogie (hurling). I never had any interest in boys in school, though sometimes pretended, and used a busy sport schedule as an excuse for lack of dating. That continued into university. While in school, I never knew anyone who wasn't conservatively Catholic or didn't go to Catholic school (it's Ireland, not terribly uncommon). In school, almost all my teachers were nuns. There was a strong emphasis on marriage between a man and a woman, no sex outside of marriage, no masturbation (though no explanation of what that was was given). You get the idea. Anyway, I lived under a rock and had no idea that gay people existed until 5th year (end of high school in US). Throughout school, I had crushes on female teachers and celebrities (Dolores O'Riordan will always be my first love). After I left school, I tried to date a guy, but 2 years into it really realized I was gay and really never had any attraction to men. I came out to my friends and cousins my age, and no one was surprised, and all were supportive. I am dating a beautiful, smart girl that I am arse over tit in love with. The only thing that's really left, which is huge for me, is my mom. My mom raised my by herself and we were close when I was growing up. I currently live with her and depend on her for some financial support. I work 2 terrible jobs and am trying to change my situation so I can move out, but no luck so far. I love my mom, and she really is a good person, taking care of homeless patients as a doctor for free, etc. But she is exceptionally homophobic due to her strict Catholic religion. I am already a disappointment since I quit going to church when I realized I was gay and felt pain going anymore. I have started to call her out on it, and she always says, "I have nothing wrong with gay people as long as they don't want to get married." But then when I talk about a gay friend, she always violently discredits whatever I say. She asked me once if I was gay, but I got scared and said no. I can't tell if she has already figured something out. We used to fight about me wearing "female" clothes but she has since stopped this. A few months ago she told me I dressed like a "big gay lesbian." She dragged me to church last week to confession with a priest because I "clearly have something up with me." This Christmas, she inadvertently invited my girlfriend to Christmas dinner. And proceeded to try to set my male cousin up with her. That hurt. She tries to set me up with men all the time. I told her straight out, "I hate men, and will always hate them." Her response was, "You will learn to like them." When I went to Pride last year, she was visibly disgusted. My friends think she knows, but I just honestly have no idea. My fear is she will find out some other way, which will hurt her more. Along with her belief that gay people go straight to hell, it will destroy her because I am her only child. All her dreams are on me for grandchildren and marrying a man. Socially it will embarrass her. But, it is becoming more and more painful for me to pretend to be something I'm not anymore. I tried for years to do what she wanted, and suffered from severe depression as a result. She knows I'm miserable, but doesn't exactly know why. I want her in my life, but I know this will change our relationship forever. She always says all she wants is for me to be happy, but I think only if I do what she wants. It's agonizing. I don't know what to do. Do I come out now or wait until I'm moved out and risk that she finds out some other way? I know she will be hurt either way. Thanks for any advice.
I suggest working on plans to move out sooner rather than later so that you can come out to directly your mom without fear. Unfortunately I have personal experience with a Catholic mom who was (is?) in denial, and I ended up largely back in the closet until I moved away. Remember, homophobia is the real lifestyle choice, and your mom is unlikely to change her behavior until you set some boundaries.
Thanks, resu, I really appreciate it. I am trying to move out and carefully saving my money. Despite having an advanced degree, the job marked in Ireland is awful right now. I'm curious how you set boundaries when you moved out that helped your mom [accept? accept though even in denial?] be "nice" to you. Thanks for the advice
