Hey, I'm not going to go into a lot of details because I want to keep it together. Last night I was on a chat site, in an LGBT chat room. Two strangers started messaging me one after the other. (I think it was likely the same person with two accounts.) One was claiming to be a hacker, the other was claiming to be attempting to be attempting to prevent the attacks. The one that claimed to be a hacker had me go to there room. They had me do stuff, I cried the entire time. They knew where I lived. In hindsight they likely just knew from my IP. After the incident I documented what I could, reported them to the site, submitted a cyber crime report, and got an appointment with an online counselor. The next day I got a VPN and updated my security, and I went to the police. I was assaulted in the past and this felt like that. I was in a really good place mentally when this happened and the fact that what they did pushed me back w/ mental health makes me angry. Ok I just needed to vent before I can see the therapist.
Just an update: It's my first day back at work after what happened. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping it together. In one hand I feel as if what happened "wasn't that bad" as in it wasn't rape, and I'm carrying a lot of shame feeling like I should have known better. On the other hand I know logically that people who've been abused tend to feel unworthy. I also logically know that I did what I thought would keep me safest. I'm just so depressed. I was doing well with my life. I don't want this trauma to get in the way of my classes or work.
I'm so sorry to hear all of this and I want to commend you for opening up to us and being so honest. I also want to urge you to not blame or berate yourself for falling into their trap. I'm afraid some people are very crafty and conniving when they are sat behind a computer and they may say or do things that seem plausible, even to well adjusted and mature people. It's one of the shadier aspects of the online world, I'm afraid. It sounds like the incident has been triggering for you and has brought back memories of the past, but just remember that you picked yourself up once and grew stronger and healthier, and you can do so again. It's not what you want or how you would wish to end the year, but YOU ARE a strong and resilient person and you will get through this. Keep repeating that to yourself and hold it in your mind. You did the right thing in reporting the incident and that's a sign of strength too. It would have been so easy to allow embarrassment and shame to take over and leave you paralysed by what happened, but your better judgement quickly returned and you reasserted control (even though it may not feel that way right now). It's only when we allow people to get away with it that we lose our power and resolve. It's understandable that you are unhappy and depressed about what happened, but the logical thoughts are sound thoughts and day by day they will bring you back to strength.
Thank you for your sympathy. I know you're right that I can make it through this. I just wish I could already be to the "stronger and healthier stage" and not have to feel so vulnerable. Thank you again.
