I a so happy to have found EC. I am hoping the community can help me work out some things or give me more perspective on what I am going through. I am sorry this is going to be kind of long but hope it paints a more complete picture of my journey and where I am at. I am a 56 year old genetic male at birth. I have been married in a mostly traditional marriage for 18 years. I am lucky to have a somewhat understanding spouse. My eldest daughter (25) considers herself pan-sexual and her fiance is a F2M TG that has transitioned except for some surgeries. My youngest is 17 and also considers herself pan-sexual. Both know to varying degrees about my CD/TG desires. Early in my marriage my wife and I were involved in alternative lifestyles. Mostly BDSM but I have come to realize my biggest attraction to it was I am pretty submissive in normal life. I added some xdressing into our public play and even went out to events as a semi passable female with her as my date back then. I then went through a long period of pretty deep depression and this derailed a lot of things in our lives. I am much better now but feel another wave coming on about confusion as to what I really am and what I really what to be. As mentioned all my life I have been a bit different. I did not like sports, I was smart and smaller than most other boys. I was bullied through out public school. I grew up in a remote northern part of canada. I was more sensitive than most kids and did not really feel very masculine nor did I really want to be other than to fit in. I never had any ideas of being born in the wrong body etc though. OK I looked at my genitals when young and had a crazy idea that my parents had my male parts altered due to the "seam" on the bottom of my scrotum that I had not seen on pictures of other boys. At about 14 I was molested by a priest. I never reported it but it made me very homophobic and mad at society for years. I continued on to college/university where I met some people that opened my mind about LGBT community and some parts of organized religion. The act of one bad person is not representative of the whole group. I still have some reservations about religion as I don't agree with it generally saying it is wrong to be gay etc. Anyways I am getting off topic. I had very few girl friends or relationships over the years. This is despite being told I was attractive. I always was not comfortable with playing the traditional male lead role especially in social situations. My parents were very equal rights and shared working and most home tasks btw. My grandma also mostly refused to wear dresses because wearing pants made her feel more equal. I am what I would mostly say is an introvert, but my career currently is a College Professor and in that setting I am more dominant and respected. I however do this with being kind, open minded and generally a teacher that students like and feel a connection with. Ok back to the real point of what I am posting. Recently I really am feeling like I want to transition to being a woman. I feel at the very least I am non binary or androgynous. I feel that there is a a bit of bi in me (based on genetic gender). I have done several tests and they say I am both strongly fetishistic and transgender dysphoria. I need to seek some professional counselling to be more sure. I feel like I am not too old to be happy with my switch in gender now. I want to feel sexy and passable. As a first step I have dieted to loose about 47 lbs so far (now at 187). I have for quite some time been shaving my body hair as I find it repulsive to me. I have been gathering slowly some clothes to wear if I went out in public. However I am not really sure of where this ship is sailing right now. Things that sway me against this transition are: my career. I am not full time professor yet and think I might loose the one thing I love right now not sure that the largely international students that I teach would accept me as a woman my wife has made it clear, it is ok (somewhat) to be femme from time to time but she wants me to be a man If I did transition would the fantasy of being a woman be a bigger let down than a relief as I am older Recently my mind has been switching back and forth on what to do. I hope to find a bit of thoughts on this here. Thank you for reading my epic post. LOL Chantel
Hi Chantel, I'm no expert on trans issues, but it does seem possible to transition later in life -- look at Caitlyn Jenner. That said, it definitely sounds to me like you need counseling. My understanding is that people who are trans typically have very strong feelings dating early in life that they are in the wrong body. Your case seems a bit more ambiguous, and it would certainly be good to have more clarity before undertaking such a major life change. Good luck, and keep posting!
Honey, you and i are on a similar path. I am 60, am a Special Educator , been married for 36 years have 4 adult children. I too am on the submissive side. I do not have children who could understand as well as yours do however. My children and wife have told me that when i transition I will go to hell. My feelings never go away in fact my dysphoria gets worse each day so for me i know now that it's not if i will transition but when. I simply must be me!!! ((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))) Love, Kimmi
So my wife decided to have a long talk with me today. She said I will always support your decisions but if you transition to become female, she would no longer be my wife. She might be a friend but no matter if I kept my primary genitals she can't cope with this. She was incredibly calm and I respect her candidness. I told her if she wanted to change I would still love her and be her partner but understand most of the world is not like me or even as understanding ad she has been. That being said. I am sad at the bottom line. Good news is my kids support me any way I decide is best. Hugs Chantel
So I had my first counselling session. After a lot of talking she felt that likely transitioning to female full time would be more stressful on me than just having periodic days where i transform. Maybe dressing a bit more femine or more endogenous would give me the release I need? She feels I fall in the middle where the benefit of going m2f would not be enough gain vs some less full time option. Of course this was only my first session, but it has put some clarity to pros and cons. She suggested some daily short time length meditation would help me see clearer. Stating the purpose of meditation is to clear the noise out of your braincso thing can be clearer. I tend to agree.
