I'm not sure if this is the right place, but it is related to me coming out, so maybe? I am looking for some support, maybe some ideas, some validation, some language to describe my experience, because I'm new at this. I'm in my mid-30s, a woman, partnered/legally married to a man, and I just came out to myself as gay a few months ago. My partner knows and is loving and supportive, but also just started grad school out of the country. We've had an open relationship for many years because of our sexual incompatibility (my gayness is one but not the only aspect of it). That's just some background about me -- it's not directly related. Anyway, I have (had?) a friend, a friend who I considered a very close friend. I had a crush on her for some time, which I knew about and at times, thought that perhaps she reciprocated. When I came out to her, I was nervous, because although I thought that the coming out conversation was a different conversation than the I like you conversation, they also felt related. When I told her that I'm gay, I got the impression she was pressuring me to have the I-like-you conversation also, which I didn't like, but since I didn't want to have the conversation, I didn't say anything about. A few days later, I decided to tell her that I liked her also, for me, not for her, but in part because she seemed enormously excited about me coming out and also felt that pressure. I thought maybe she had something she wanted to tell me. I'd been very sensitive about my crush and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable (although apparently, that didn't keep her from being uncomfortable); as a result, every time we had a change in our relationship, it was because she initiated it. She would hold me for a long time and I would respond, sometimes initiating. She starting kissing me, on the cheek, neck, lips, and I would let her (and sometimes initiate, although I often was quite hesitant about this). She suggested we sleep together (not have sex -- just sleep) and although I agreed, I was so nervous and uncomfortable, I didn't sleep hardly at all. It's clear to me that there was some stuff going on for us that was not simply about sexuality, and I am looking at these aspects more closely as well. In short, the conversation about me liking her became very hurtful and confusing for me. I told her I didn't want anything from her other than friendship, that I didn't expect that she felt the same, even though I'd casually wondered about it a few times, and that actually, once I told her, I felt like it had drifted away, all of which was true. She told me she was overwhelmed and couldn't talk to me anymore about it, that she needed space and wouldn't be contacting me for awhile, although (weirdly) she said I could still contact her. That was several weeks ago and I haven't heard from her. I just don't understand what happened. Obviously, there's more going on here (and some of it had to do with other aspects of our relationship) and really, not all of it is about me or my confessions. I'm also angry that I offered her two vulnerable bits of information about her, and it somehow became rapidly about her and not about me and now I am hurt and confused and not sure what happened or what to do.
This sort of thing does sometimes happen and it's rather shitty. She had new information thrown at her and needed to process it. Of course, several weeks is also a long time. She said you could contact her. Have you tried? If not, I would start there and see what happens.
I t would be a good idea to contact her after she cools down for a bit. Reafirm that the relationship you two share will not go beyond what is comfortable for both of you. I don't know if she wants to, but if you talk through other means at first, you should meet face-to-face to work out where your relationship might go. Just start with contacting and trying to understand why she isn't talking before you try to do anything else.
Update: She finally got back to me. She sent me a message about a dream she had, and that was it. I was confused and hurt and told her as much. She responded again and basically said we couldn't be friends anymore, that she couldn't take sole responsibility (I didn't ask her to) and it seems like she's blaming me for something, mad at me for something, but I don't know what it is. Or how to respond.
I wonder if she was hurt that you only wanted to be friends. You came out to her, told her you had feelings for her, she was excited you came out, she kisses you, but you said you didn't want anything else but a friendship. Maybe she wanted more and you shot that down. So maybe she can't handle being just friends, so she cuts all ties. ? Just my thoughts.
I believe she is not ready to be labeled a lesbian and homewrecker by splitting you from partner. does she have a straight male lover? she may not want to chance losing him over an affair with you. she doesn't believe your relationship will hidden or remain a pure friendship with others if stays close to you.
