I have have been depressed for the past five years now, I'm 20. My depression peaked at around the end of 2017, and what followed were regrettable sessions of self harm and an utter lack of interest i absolutely everything. After a while I gravitated towards a more materialistic and potentially hedonistic lifestyle. I've been buying myself everything that I want, an expensive gaming laptop, an new phone, going on a shopping binge, etc. I started going out more often, I'm no party animal, but I started drinking more than usual. And by that I mean quantity, I don't drink often but when I do, I always pass out. It's the same with weed. All this has somehow helped me ignore or even beat depression. Recently I smoked a lot of pot. Moe than I am accustomed to. I woke up feeling different. I felt normal, as if for the past three years or so there had been this veil that had been clouding all my sensations. I could feel the sun hit my skin, I could feel it's warmth, and my skin felt more like skin. Sounds felt like I was actually hearing them through my ears instead of passing through a weird synthesized effect. And I have noticed the difference only after I was sober. I felt good, to be honest. But it only lasted for about 48 hours and I'm back to feeling ever so slightly numb. And by that I mean my sensations. I have had symptoms of denationalization in the past, and I still do every once a while. I feel as if I'm a separate entity living inside my head and my body feels oddly alien at times. It's like playing a first person shooter. What worries me is the awareness that my sensations are being dulled. I have gone back to feeling oddly detached from all my sensations, be it touch, smell or sight. What is this that I am experiencing? Any help would be appreciated.
It sounds to me like you have severe clinical depression. You should really seek professional help. Mandy
I agree with Mandy. It sounds like it might be a good idea to see a counselor or a therapist. It might be serious. Those symptoms sound a lot like my own from a couple years ago. I was in a really dark place, where I just felt detached from life, just going through the motions. Once I started seeing a counselor, things have started to get better, but we're thinking I should see a psychologist. I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but I'm saying it to let you know that I understand a bit of where you're coming from.
I have been wondering these could be unrelated to depression. I have been well for quite a lotta months now. About half a year. I haven't had any major breakdowns as such.
Breakdowns don't define depression. Your symptoms sound exactly like depression to me, and severe depression often does not include breakdowns -- your brain is so numb it's just accepted the status quo and there's nothing left to break down about. Even if what you have is not technically depression, it is a serious mental condition and you should get professional help. Feelings of disconnection are serious symptoms. This goes way beyond what anyone here is going to be able to be much help with. Please see a professional. Mandy
When you're anxious, you know you're anxious. When you're depressed, you don't. The depression convinces you (wrongly) that it is just clearly seeing how shitty things are, and being happy is a delusion. Why is it wrong? Because it doesn't take into account the undoubtable fact that you don't know everything. @Amanda F is right. This is a medical (and possibly psychological) condition and needs medical (and possibly psychological) attention. If you're lucky, some antidepressant (it takes some poking around) will have a strong positive effect.
Like everyone else said, this isn't how depression works. For many of us, we will always have depression so we have to learn how to make sure it doesn't poke its ugly head for too long. Its something that you have to work on keeping at bay for sure. What you have found is ways to numb yourself to the pain. Buying things, drugs, etc are ways to find small windows where we can feel better, but those coping mechanisms can cause a lot of harm in the long run. From this short post and your description it sounds like weed is helping you take some of the anxiety away so you can have a clear mind, but like you noticed its only a temporary feeling. The good news is that you can learn how to feel more at ease all the time if you go to therapy and start learning where your anxiety is coming from and how to deal with your depression in ways that last longer than 48 hours.
Okay, I understand that breakdowns are not a good indicator of depression. But I haven't been better in a long time, I mean I have been worse. I cannot see a psychiatrist anytime soon. If I have to, I would have to save up money for that. I am dubious about the psychiatrists in my country too.
Yep, depression its an ugly bitch. Mental health access is a true problem. There are many blogs out there that try to give advice on other coping mechanisms without having to go to therapy. Definitely avoid a psychiatrist though. Stick to a therapist for now and avoid religious ones. Things that have worked for me - Exercise. I fucking hate it more than anything, but exercising will help you release endorphins which will help in the long run. Try to do at least 30 minutes of something, anything. Just move around or go for a walk. You will hate it, your brain will try to stop you, but you have to start moving. - Meditation. This shit is hard, but it will help you get those windows of clarity without having to use drugs or alcohol. - Sleep. You NEED sleep. If you are tired then depression will get worse. This is a loop because a lot of the times depression doesn't let us sleep, partly because it doesn't let us to move. Exercising right before bed, no technology before bed or meditating before bed will help. Get 8 hours of sleep and make it a priority. Those are the things that work for me. You can find other ways online until you figure out how to access mental health professionals.
Isn't it normal, tho? Life has it's ups and its downs but mostly - it's boring. And not everyone has a "bubbly" personality in the first place. I wish I could feel engaged in what I'm doing myself, but it's not going to happen anytime soon, with the amount of work at uni and the kind of material. To what has been said above, I would add remember about healthy diet. And has there been a source of stress in your life? Or multiple sources of stress? Do you have social anxiety or anxiety about something else? Somehting like that might be wearing you down.
I'll second @smurf here, he has it pretty well factored. Meditation, i.e. not thinking about anything (different from thinking about nothing!) is a do-anywhere time-tested anxiety reliever. Exercise, well you almost have to have partners in that, or even the most motivated people fade. Sleep, 'nuff said.
Sources of stress? A significant reason for my stress was that I was not being productive at all, I wasn't programming, or writing or reading. Nothing. I have been getting back on track over the past six months, apart from that not much at all. That being said, I will be graduating college with an engineering degree in 2020, and I have to pursue a Master's degree after that. That I don't know which continent I would be in two year from now terrifies me. That is the biggest life decision I would have to make. Other than that is does seem that I have high functioning depression. Also, that you all for your responses. I'm thinking of saving up some money to see a therapist. Although I need to find an LGBT friendly therapist first. I might contact some LGBT help centres in my city, I've never done that.
From what you are describing, I am reasonably confident you have symptoms that match a mental health disorder. However, no one here should be offering up a diagnosis, and certainly no one should be telling you with certainty that you have any specific disorder, especially when the symptoms are not actually a match in the DSM for depression. (there is no "severe depression" in the DSM). It isn't possible to tell from the details you have given, nor would it be possible to do without an extensive workup, but I can tell you that there are elements that are consistent with a depersonalization disorder and/or with a bipolar disorder, both of which can have depressive elements to them, but also incorporate other symptoms you are describing. And it sounds like these issues are impacting your life significantly enough that getting help for them would be appropriate. I would suggest seeking help from a mental health professional for a proper work-up and diagnosis. I would suggest starting with a psychologist or therapist rather than a psychiatrist. It is quite possible that you may be able to address and manage these symptoms with therapy. It is also possible that you may need medication, either short term or long term, to manage what you are experiencing. And in general, the suggestions Gus has made can help regardless of what the actual diagnosis is. The only one I'd be cautious of is sleep; if your symptoms tend toward depression, it can be easy to sleep too much, which can exacerbate the problem. But getting 8 hours consistently is definitely helpful. The good news is, simply by acknowledging the issue, you are already a significant part of the way down the path to solving the problem.
I have tried to ascertain what it could be, but I'm no mental health specialist. As of now, it is nearly impossible for me to seek any professional medical help of any kind; Mental health is not discussed in my country, and seeking help for something like this would cause everyone to think that I'm a sinking ship, and that I have finally lost it. There are therapists and psychiatrists, there have been several instances in the past wherein a therapist suggests conversion therapy or outs the patient, and my depression was a cause for some of my depression, I am not willing to risk being outed. I'll be going overseas for a master's degree in about a year and a half, that is my window. What 'm going through right now doesn't bother me too much. I'm productive, and I feel better than I have in a long time. But the times when I suspect that I'm suffering from derealization are extremely jarring, Iit is something tangible, and can distinguish between those states very well. But these episodes are more frequent after I smoke, when I feel entirely alright, even after I am sober, my vision seems sharper, colors seem brighter and my sensations are simply more effective. I'm not naive enough to delude myself into thinking that weed is a solution to these problems, that weed can cure my symptoms of possible derealization. It would be rather stupid of me to smoke weed just so that I could feel normal, but I do certainly feel the urge to.
Recognize that you're basically seeking to self-medicate with weed. And understand that this is basically a survival mechanism; it appears, at first glance, to be a sensible route. So don't kick yourself for having that instinct. But it may be best not to follow that instinct, as it is likely to lead, especially given your related symptoms, to further issues. There are definitely appropriate mental health services available in India; one of our board members who is a social worker spent some months in India during his years in school, and worked with a number of other social workers and other professionals providing mental health services. You may have to look around a bit, but enlightened people do exist there. If that isn't an option, there are also Skype-based services with competent professionals here in the states, as well as various other options. I do think you'd benefit from some minimal mental health intervention, even over Skype, to give you a starting place. There may be medication options or even over-the-counter options that can help you that won't have the potential negative effects of weed. And once you get outside of India, it sounds like you'll have a lot more options.
