I need help figuring out how to start talking to people about the fact that I'm agender. I've read all the "coming out" letters on this site, but they're all from gay people, not trans people. I'm thinking of starting small, with just my close friend who I'm going to be moving in with next month, and seeing how it goes. I'm still struggling with my pronouns; I can't decide if I prefer she/her or they/them, and I should probably work that out before saying anything to anyone. Also, as far as things like paperwork, how do you decide whether to put your legal name or your preferred name, or do you just tell people, "legally my name is X, but I prefer to go by Y"? And which box do you check for gender? Do you just take it as their asking for your biological sex and check accordingly, or do you make note of the fact that you have no gender? There's still so much I have to learn, and it's a bit overwhelming.
Hugs go with your heart. I do not think anyone will care what box you check really. I say be you and I support you as you are. TM
Hi Scamander, congrat on deciding to start coming out and talking to people about your identity. I strongly relate to your questions as I am nonbinary myself and was in the same situation in the beginning of the year. If you want to come out by letter, searching the gender identity and expression or the coming out advice forum for coming out letters might help. I have some posted there every once in a while. Here's the link to the one I posted last year: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/feedback-on-coming-out-letter-needed.460312/ I hope it can give you a little bit of inspiration. Of course, your situation might be a bit differnt from mine when it comes to your identity, your wishes and your surroundings. Starting small is a very good idea. Things are a lot easier when you set small goals on coming out and take them step by step. Tell your friend first, see how it makes you feel and come out to others later. This way, you will already have a support system of people you can turn to for venting or advice once you come out to people you feel more anxious about or where you worry that they might be less supportive. About pronouns: You can start talking to people before you have figured out which pronoun to go by. Asking close friends to try and call you by different pronouns is a great way to experiment and see what makes you feel comfortable. Besides, it's totally fine to first tell people you're agender and later ask them to refer to you by different pronouns. In my opinion, having someone to talk about your doubts and worries in real life is a great relief and only makes things easier, especially when you haven't figured everything out yet. I do that differently depending on the situation and the environment I'm in. When forms only have the options m and f, I sometimes send a letter to the service provider, asking them to put another option, sometimes go with my gender assigned at birth and sometimes with the opposite one. It depends on how badly I need the service and if it is in any way connected to my ID. With my name, that also depends. Usually, I try to sign with my chosen name. This has limits if I need to show an ID. If it's an environment I will be in more often (like a sports club) I usually explain that I go by a different name, without going into much detail. If it's a one time thing or a place where I don't feel save sharing that, I give my legal name. It just depends a lot on the situation and you will surely figure out a way to deal with that once you've come out to close friends and approach more formal settings with your new name. Again, take things one step at a time. The whole social transition process might seem very overwhelming in the beginning. If you brake it down to baby steps, it starts to look much easier to handle. You can always drop me a message, if you need more advice. All the best, Noah
