So got into a bit of a debate about first time experiences the other day. Several people shared that their first time was at extremely young ages with teenagers and I’m like that’s not a first time story. A first time would be a consensual encounter and when you’re that age and someone is taking advantage of you that’s not a first time. It sparked a discussion and it seems my view on the matter is because I accepted my sexuality later in life. Well probably, I mean sexual abuse as a child did play a role in my repression. But I just don’t think anything that falls under the sexual assault umbrella should count... I mean I don’t count it and never will, so I guess that may cause confusion down the road... I say my first time was when I was 28, but the abuse was more than two decades before that... Surely I’m not the only one, right?
Hey ISS, I think "first time" refers to a consensual sexual experience, not abuse, which is about force and manipulation. People often look back fondly or with nostalgia at their first time, or maybe with regret, but in either case they made a choice and learned something about themselves in the process. I don't abuse qualifies at all. It's a trauma, something you need to process and heal.
See, that’s how I feel! I was amazed at the people in the discussion I was having who were not on the same page. It bothered me, not just as a survive but as a person. Like that’s not what you should look to for your first time. That shouldn’t be your memory...
To clarify, in your debate was the other person arguing that abuse is a "first time" or are you classing all sexual activity below legal age within the abuse umbrella? Surely this issue is far too complex for a right or wrong answer. Of course if it's abuse it's not something most people would class as their first time but then even that depends on how you define "first time". For some abuse victims it may be part of their recovery to acknowledge their first experiences for what they were, to be able to forge healthy relationships moving forward. The first time you made sexual contact, penetrated, "made love", etc. could all be counted or discounted. I'd also suggest that age could be irrelevant. The legal age (depending on where you live) is a social construct to protect vulnerable people but it isn't a natural red line. Two young teens discovering sexuality together in a consenting way is more natural than say a 40 year old predator coercing a newly out 25 year old into sex. So ultimately I can't agree or disagree because it's unique to the individuals interpretation. Thinking about it, if I had to select my "first time", It definitely wouldn't be the first sexual contact but on the other hand it would be before the first time I really enjoyed it so I'm no help at all
The first time in the conversation that sparked the debate was between an 8 year old and 19 year old relative. I’m sorry there is just no way around that, I mean even if the older kid was younger by like 5 or 6 years younger that’s still a no go (my opinion). At that age you can’t consent, especially to someone who is much older than you are. Everyone heals differently I know! Maybe it really does just hit a nerve because of my personal experiences. I mean though there obviously was trauma, the old man from when I was four really wasn’t the hardest for me to process. It was the two teenagers from 6 to 8. I guess because of the ages and people blur the lines more, I don’t know. I just refuse to count them. They stole something that took a long time for me to get back (my sexuality). I guess I do let my own bias play a part, but still... A 40 year old predator and a 25 year old who just came out? Oh lord... I mean I’ve really not thought about age differences after your legal... I mean one of my first guys was more than 20 years older than me and he was a bit more aggressive which caused me to stop talking to him a while before we even hooked up... he apologized and we started back talking... he really caught me on the right day which lead to our encounter... that’s something to think about though... looking past age once you’re an adult and considering just vulnerability and such...
Without doubt, if an 8 and 19 Yr old have sexual contact, then it's definitely abuse. An 8 Yr old will not have begun puberty and so even if they believe to have given consent to the act, they can not understand it in a sexual context. Clearly the adult has used their maturity to manipulate and take advantage of the power inbalance but the child cannot see that. When the 8 Yr old is an adult they may be able to identify that manipulation but at the same time remember the feeling of having been consenting. They may remember that whilst they weren't capable of sexual gratification, they did feel satisfaction to have provided somebody (who they possibly idolised) with extreme physical pleasure. This positive interpretation of the memory may prevent the victim from acknowledging the abuse and so consider it their "first time". I suppose my point is that although it wouldn't be a first time, as you mean it, it could be considered a first experience or encounter. The main point though is that this person was abused and likely hasn't acknowledged that. Though it may not have caused obvious trauma it probably will manifest in their ability to develop healthy relationships moving forward. It's not a debate worth winning really but at the end of it all, there is a vulnerable person who eventually will need to ask for support so I'd say leave it open and just be there in case they change their views.
I see it this way (abuse is different...that's not a "first time" in my opinion) I have had "mechanical sex" with both men and women. I did some hooking up with women as a young man and, recently, did some exploration with other men as a middle age man. But, I feel my first real time with a woman was the first time I was with my wife. Everything aligned and it made the mechanics of sex I had experienced with other women sort of meaningless. So, I consider that my "first time" where I experienced what intimacy can really mean. Recently, I experienced it with a male friend. OMG! The other hookups and fooling around meant nothing. It was like it wasn't even the same activity. Intimacy isn't just the parts fitting together. It goes so much deeper than that. So "I'mstillstanding", I think you have your first ahead of you and it will be splendid.
It’s interesting what you said. I feel guilty saying it, but I actually don’t count sex with my ex. I wasn’t me! It was like a shadow of a person, and I hate saying that. I mean we both were like extra virgins when we got married. So I do feel some guilt taking that away, and then me getting to start over from the beginning but she didn’t. My first time with a guy I wouldn’t describe as mechanical so much as educational and that was perfection. It was exactly what I wanted. It wasn’t rushed, I got to set the pace, it really was a great experience. I’m lucky because a lot of people don’t have that. But, while I’ve had sex, I’ve never made love... so that is a first I am looking forward to
