Since coming out a few weeks back my wife and I have talking as we try to cope. She has been asking various questions during our conversations. I suppose this is natural. Have any other guys had similar questions from their spouses? Here are some of my wife's questions: 1. Did you think you were bi instead of gay? (I thought about it, but since I had no sexual desire for women, concluded that I was indeed gay.) 2. If you are gay, does that that mean you want to have sex with men? (Yes) 3. Now that you are gay, will you act more fem? (No) 4. You manscape and shave down below. Is that a gay thing? (For some perhaps. I mainly do it to have closer contact during sex) 5. Did you ever cheat on me during our marriage with a man? (No, I was faithful and wanted to make our marriage a success) 6. Do you watch gay porn online? (Yes) 7. Do you want to get married to a guy in the future? (Perhaps, if I find the right guy) 8. Do you want to be the man or woman in a relationship? (She meant if I wss a top or bottom. Told her I don't know about that yet) There will be other questions I'm sure. At least coming out has got us talking....
This sounds a really productive, obviously some questions might feel uncomfortable, may even make you feel like she’s not comfortable with homosexuality, (I felt that with my ex husband’s conversations and the wording he used and how he speaks about stuff every once in a while, not sure if your experience is similar). But my understanding of this is that you are having an open dialogue and that it is really positive. It’s hard, these conversations being up a lot of emotion, but it sounds like you are being clear and honest and communicating with each other. How are you feeling after that conversation?
Thanks for your comments. Actually all of these questions did not all come at one time. I feel pretty good at being able to have an open dialogue after so many years of hiding who and what I am. She seems to have accepted that I am gay and moving on. My wife recently coined a name for my future, potential partner. She jokes that if me and "Reggie" get married, she may give me away! Or she sees me working out and says "Looking good for Reggie." It's all rather sweet and tinged with good natured humor. I told her no matter what comes, she will always have a special place in my heart, even if I have a Reggie in my life or not. *smile*
I realise I didn’t even answer your question! I had all of these same questions I think, I’ll look one by one: 1. Did you think you were bi instead of gay? Yes - my ex husband asked me this and to be fair to him I started coming out to him that way and only evolved to say I’m gay after I’d been working through the question in my own head. But he also asked me things like are you sure this isn’t just all in your head, or are you sure you’re not confused, or are you sure this isn’t just that our marriage is struggling, etc. 2. If you are gay, does that that mean you want to have sex with (Women in my case)? Yes, we’ll far before we separated we talked over what it means and this was one of his questions. And then we talked a lot about whether that was possible in our relationship and we did work towards opening our marriage. 3. Now that you are gay, will you act more fem? (Masc in my case) He didn’t ask but he noticed that I was finally starting to express my gender more truly. He found this difficult to deal with. (My hair, wearing boxers, men’s clothes, etc) 4. You manscape and shave down below. Is that a gay thing? I don’t know if an equivalent but he did ask a lot about whether things I was doing were a “gay thing”. But nothing stands out in terms of things I’d always done that he was now seeing in a new light. 5. Did you ever cheat on me during our marriage with a man? (Again, woman in my case) He didn’t ask me this, he trusted that I was faithful. But he did get concerned I might start to become unfaithful. 6. Do you watch gay porn online? He didn’t ask this... the answer would have been so much and so often, haha. I think I may have shared that with him though at some point after coming out. 7. Do you want to get married to a guy in the future? (Woman for me) He didn’t ask this. 8. Do you want to be the man or woman in a relationship? He kind of asked this, but not quite.
Wow, I have to commend you on your honesty with your wife and your ability to not stray in your marriage. I probably would have avoided answering that question with an answer like I don’t think it would be productive for us to talk about that now as it is in the past and I have committed to being faithful now. Mostly my wife tries to compartmentalize the fact that I’m bi. There are times where she’ll say something about an actor on TV to which I may comment on him being attractive or not my type. I’m a pretty hard “2” on the Kinsey scale, so she still looks at me in public to see if I’m checking out sexy ladies as I’m not checking out guys. I wish my wife was more accepting of my bisexuality as your’s seems to be. To be honest it is very hard to not stray and vent some of my MM desires and passion. I suppose that it is harder because of the fact that I have in the past. It is the hardest when my wife and I are at odds, not speaking, or really hit a rocky patch in our relationship. That’s when my answer to your question number 6 is a Hard Yes! Pun intended. I wish you well on your journey and hope that the holidays are good for you and your family. Cheers!
Those definitely appear to be the standard questions. My wife asked me basically all of them (except the manscaping, which I didn't do at the time, but she wouldn't have known whether I did or not). Another one was "Why did you marry me if you were gay?" That has always been a difficult one to answer, since I was aware of my attraction to men, but I was also attracted to her and the whole standard, unassuming life, complete with kids, pets, house in the suburbs etc. that came along with marriage. Congratulations on being able to maintain a positive relationship. It makes thing much easier. We had a very rough year or so, plus I found my "Reggie" far more quickly than expected, so she had to deal with him before we had even figured out what to do about our marriage. It was not the way I would have chosen to do it, but as a cousin of mine says, we plan, and God laughs. I just recently made plans for the annual Christmas dinner with my brother's family at a local Chinese restaurant. The participants will be his family, me and my guy, my ex and her mother, potentially my ex's boyfriend, and our daughters and one of their boyfriends. My partner's ex and their kids have not been as accepting, even after nearly 5 years, but there is still hope. Kindness and persistence and respect for all makes a huge difference. It's not like I was a teenager who was dependent on my parents' love and acceptance. When a middle aged guy with a wife and children dependent on him announces he's gay, he has tp be reasonable and expect that they will have some adjusting to do, and allow them the chance to do it. Being good to people really does come back to you. My ex and I had a lot of bad times in our marriage over 20 years, but we are probably better friends now than we have been for most of those 20 years. Good luck to you!
I think it's important to answer the questions as honestly as possible. For #8, I think you understood where she was coming from, but you might have answered "Maybe both, and either way, I'd expect to be his equal". A big stereotype gay men encounter is that one of us automatically assumes the role of "woman" on an emotional and sexual level and that's far from true. In many respects, same sex relationships are very equally balanced and definitely more so than opposite sex relationships. This answer kind of informs #3 too. Manscaping is not just a gay thing. A lot of guys (straight and gay) trim for hygiene reasons and because they don't like the visual of a messy bush. Also, so their partner doesn't get a mouth full of hair during a BJ.
I agree PatrickUK, indeed the younger generations (especially the metro ones) do more than manscape and they identify as heterosexual. I personally manscape because it makes me feel sexy and I couldn’t agree more about picking hairs out of my teeth. LOL. My answer to number 8 is yes. I think it depends on the situation or the level of intimacy I feel with my partner as to which role I would desire to take. I find both of them very exciting and fulfilling.
I Hello! I forgot to mention your question, "Why did you marry me if you wrre gay?" (Told her I wasn't sure. Hoped being married would change haw I felt. It never did) Thamks so much. Sounds like you have had a similar experience. I feel fortunate that my wife is sooo understanding, considering that my coming out has been shock. Your Christmas celebration sounds very inclusive and diverse. That's great! I agree on the importance of kindness and compassion. It yields positive results in the end. Fortunately I've always treated her well. Even though our marriage will end, no sense in treating my wife like some sort of enemy.
I understand what you are saying regarding equality. My wife knows quite a few gay couples and realizes that they are equal partners in their marriages. I think she was just curious about the physical interaction I preferred. Nor was she sure about manscaping. While I shave (and know other men that do), the concept is more popular among and accepted by both men and women today than it was years ago. After I came out, my wife wondered if that was an indication I had gay tendancies. I assured her lots of guys, syraight and gay, groom themselves.
So what does it mean if your ex wife asks no or virtually no questions? Because that's the situation I'm in. It dosent matter too much as I recently moved out? Personally perhaps my ex is very uncomfortable with homosexuality....?
I’m gonna answer the questions then go back and read all the other posts lol (also there may be little edits to questions) 1) This was a slightly different question for me. Mine was, are you sure you’re not confused because of the abuse? Answer: 100% sure! I tried to not be gay because of that, it really was one of the things that made me believe I could be straight. But yea, this is just me finally being ready to put that aside and accept who I am. 2) Yea. I mean I want to be able to love some one in every way possible. And I wanted that for her... she deserved a husband who can love her like that... 3) I’m not sure that’s possible... I’ve always been fem lol I mean she called me her gay husband our entire marriage. One of our first dates was a shopping spree and make over... 4) this wasn’t a question I was asked 5) No, I’d never do that. We practiced abstinence till we were married, and I wouldn’t want to step out and betray that relationship. 6) yea. (This part is where I was reminded I was going to hell). 7) I do! I want all the same things I’ve always wanted. 8) (was asked this exact question) Well we both need to be men, that’s kinda where the gay thing comes in at... she clarified and I told her that wasn’t something I could answer as I had not explored my sexuality (Didn’t phrase them how I answered gave the summary)
Your wife,my friend, sadly has a lot of issues which I suspect are not directly tied with you. Hopefully with time, as things settle down, you two may develop a better and more open relationship. Perhaps then you might have such a candid conversation. But if not, it's her loss. You at least are living your new life! *smile*
My wife and I don't really discuss anything about my sexual practices with men beyond what I might mention. I think she sees it as none of her business the details of what I share with a man. We did have rules for awhile but those were adjusted over time. She just wants me to be safe. When I came out my wife and I spent a weekend where I told her EVERYTHING. So, she's never had a reason to ask the usual questions I tell her when I have an intimate friend so she doesn't have to ask. My wife would see the manscaping as a feminine thing however and that would bother her. Even getting my chest shaved for a medical procedure bothered her. I think there is some concern that I will become more feminine as I explore my sexuality. She is learning, after meeting my friends, that masculine guys are not always straight. I have to admit that I share some of the same prejudices still. Shaved guys are a turn off for me. It's funny how my wife and I have the same attractions in men. Fortunately, she doesn't subscribe to the "who's the woman" idea. Our relationship has always been atypically different in this respect. There are no male or female responsibilities.
My wife was just curious. She is unfamliar about gay sex. At least she didn't blush. Ironically, my wife doesn't like a lot of hair. I once grew a beard and moustach and she hated it!!! She was delighted that I kept most of my body shaved - made it smoother when we used oils and lotions. Shaving or not just depends on personal preference. If I find a future guy to date, I would prefer someone who smooth like myself.
