Hi everyone.. Just looking for some advice. I started seeing a guy a little while ago, we met at a bar and hit it off, and have quite a bit in common. The following two weeks were great and we saw each other quite a bit. We did end up having sex after the second date and ended up just hanging out at each other's houses and netflix and chilling. After a few weeks of this I could tell he was a lil distant.. I received a message from him stating that he really liked me but he didn't feel there was enough of a spark to date me. He said I was a great guy and deserved to find someone who would treat me properly (have heard this so many times) and would like to remain friends. At this point I was confused, we hadn't really spoken about what our relationship was and I kinda thought he might be seeing other guys anyway. I had developed feelings for him by then though so that message did hurt. I didn't reply for a few days, and in the end I said it would be hard for me to be friends at first because I do like him but I would like to be friends at some point. Anyway after that we have just been hanging out as friends. He has come to my place quite a bit and we just have dinner/watch movies or whatever. We ended up having a chat about us and he said the reason he didn't feel a spark or doesn't want to date anyone is because he doesn't feel that he knows who he is himself and doesn't love himself. I totally understand this.. But I'm finding it difficult as I do have feelings for him and I am pretty sure he has feelings for me. I feel like if we keep hanging out as friends then nothing more will ever happen between us. What should I do? I'm so lost. The other night we were just laying on my bed after watching a movie, and he went to hold my hand but at the same time I got up and said I would take him home because I was tired. Now I feel like he wanted to make a move but he might think I don't want to now? I don't normally let things like this worry me, but it's been a long time since I felt like this about anyone and I can't stop it playing on my mind. Would love to hear your advice if you have been in a situation like this before! Should I just talk to him and ask him if he sees anything more happening with us in the future? Thanks for reading!
Well, objectively, if you guys have romantic feelings with each other then that's not really a friendship. Trying to force things is unlikely to work, most people don't just magically switch from feeling attracted to someone to friend mode. I've had crushes and flings turn into actual friendships in the past but that took time and honestly, quite some time away from each other until the feelings faded. I'd say to talk to him and see if he really doesn't want a relationship. If he wants just someone to have sex with occasionally or a real deal friend. And then draw your boundaries according to that, protecting your feelings. Don't just hold on to this in hopes that he'll change his mind in the future, because then you're just putting yourself in a situation where you can be taken advantage of and diminishing your chances of finding someone else who is actually interested and has spark enough to set everything ablaze with you.
Hi Lari, thanks for taking the time to respond! I agree with what you say. I'll talk to him about it more and see what he is thinking.. And I have definitely been known in the past to hold on to feelings in the hopes that they may be reciprocated. I think if he only wants to be friends and doesn't want to have sex/anything more than that then I'll need to take some time away from him. Thanks again
Yes, I think you need more distance from him because he gets all the benefits of a friendship while you have to constantly suppress your real feelings. Also, I don't think friends normally try to hold hands while watching a movie in bed, so you should ask him to clarify what he's thinking. However, be careful because he already said he didn't "feel a spark" after a few weeks, so he may stop showing interest if he finds someone else to pursue. I am reminded of the Maya Angelou quote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
This part of your post caught my attention. You say you totally understand this, but can I ask how? Is it because you had a deeper conversation with him about why he felt this way, or is it just that you are empathising on some level? Even as a friend, I would want to know where these feelings were coming from, because when someone tells you they don't know who they are and they don't love themselves it reveals a level of stress and pain in their lives. Maybe if he could work through these feelings there would be greater potential.
Very sorry for the late reply to this thread. I guess it's that time of year and it's been a lil hectic haha. I guess because I felt the same way about myself for a few years when I was younger. I didn't know who I was and didn't love myself so how could I have loved anyone else. I haven't spoken to him about what makes him feels that way, I have made it clear that I am there to talk to if he wants to but he hasn't really opened up about this. We didn't talk for a little while and he is currently away visiting family - before he left we did speak about what our relationship was and I asked if he thought anything more could develop between us. He said that for now he thinks we should just be friends and that he isn't looking for anything more while he "figures stuff out" - and that he wouldn't want to keep me waiting for that time so I am "free to date" other people. He also told me he'd be down to be FWB if I am. I just don't know lol. Part of me says to cut him off, I mean if he really liked me maybe he would want me, and then the other part of me wants to be patient and supportive and see if I can help him. I've just been in situations similiar before and it hasn't ended well.
