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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Jakebusman

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    Well she told me today that her and my mom know I'm Bi and just wating for me to talk
     
  2. Rade

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    I think you should talk with your wife first.....this doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage. You will have to speak now they have approached the subject with you.....I hope it goes well, warm regards.. ..
     
    #262 Rade, Dec 5, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2018
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  3. Jakebusman

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    I mean me being Bi has isn't going to change things at least I hope not
     
    #263 Jakebusman, Dec 5, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2018
  4. GuestHere

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    @Jggates, I get you. My girlfriend's story is so similar. At 43 she decided to leave her husband and 7 children (yes, 7), and finally come out of the closet. It was the hardest thing she's had to do. But she is so brave and I admire her so much. She also struggles with feelings of depression and guilt. It's a horrible choice, but ultimately you need to think of your happiness. And if you can find peace and contentment, you will be better at sharing that with others, even those who are hurt by these decisions now. I know it's soooooo difficult, but you got this! I really wish I could connect you with Shelly because she is the strongest person I know. Best of luck to you!!
     
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  5. TrevinMichael

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    I support whatever happens going forward. I am married and I too are more interested in men in my 50s. My wife says she wants women, and well no sex life at all for a few years. I am being me the best I can.

    I have one very close male friend.
     
  6. Jakebusman

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    Update I tryed talking about my bisexiality to her the other morning I started by telling her I liked both boys and girls during school I also told her 2 guys I liked in high school she told me bisexiality isn't a switch I can just turn off What did she mean by that ?
     
  7. Rade

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    I think she means if your bisexual you have always been bisexual. It's not like a light bulb you can switch on or off....
    She may be finding it difficult to come to terms with...hope your doing ok? It can be a very stressful time coming out...
     
  8. UMedusa

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    I agree with Rade. Also, you need to remember, it can be hard to understand bisexuality, especially for cis-gender heterosexual people. Trust yourself and who you know you are, how you know you feel. Things are not light bulbs and switches, they are more fluid and pliable than that.
     
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  9. Jakebusman

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    What do I do I am so confused now
     
  10. DecentOne

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    So you’ve asked what to do now... Based on my own situation, I’d say keep talking. Ask her what she meant about bisexuality not being able to switch off. Encourage her to express any fears she might have about that, or what assumptions she has about what you will do. Mostly reinforce how you love her when you respond to her questions.
    If you are scared about the conversation, perhaps it would be good for you to figure out what is scary about it. Is it that you think it (the conversation) will crash your relationship, for example? Tell her you don’t want the relationship to crash then, and how that’s making it hard for you to talk. If it isn’t that, then what is it — internalized homophobia?
     
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  11. Jggates

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    Hi @GuestHere

    Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you two found each other. Hopefully your gf is finding it easier to deal with the past - must be great to have your support. :slight_smile:

    I've only got two kids, and I thought that was a handful. Seven must have been incredibly hard work.

    I'm hoping I can be as strong as your gf. But I'm also hoping my path is a little different, as I'm still very much in love with my wife and I hope she wouldn't see me any differently. Tbh on the good days I think I'd just be better off just keeping my mouth shut. But I also know the secret is eating me up from the inside so this probably isn't sensible.
     
  12. arken1

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    1. Congratulations on acknowledging yourself and taking step one to end self-oppression.

    2. Social media has made us all believe lies about reality. There are no humans who don't struggle with life. It's part of life. And I almost laughed out loud reading that you see so many LGBT on social media who are fully happy. Man, they struggled too in some way. And you don't see the whole picture of their lives on social media, for sure. But you can interpret their happiness as, in the end, it's worth it for you to continue coming out. You're not unhappy now because you're bisexual; you're unhappy because you are struggling with the acceptance of it and its secrecy.

    3. Try not to look at your life as you missed an opportunity. You are obviously happy with your wife and kids. If you were with a guy, you could be saying the exact same thing in reverse: "what if I had married a woman?". Everyone plays this game in dating as well, "he's nice but who am I missing out on?" It's a slippery slope.

    4. Your wife telling you that "bisexuality is not a switch" is a very good sign in my mind. It means that she recognized the point you were making, and not only that, understands and accepts bisexuality for what it is. To me, she is telling you that it's okay to talk to her about it.

    5. What happens when your sister-in-law finds out and the whole world knows? I think that's when you become someone who doesn't have to fear his own identity any longer, and can devote more energy to the people he loves. So far, after 28 years of oppressing myself as a gay man, I can tell you the people whom I have come out to had a reaction that was nothing compared to what I had imagined in my mind. But I'm from the Bible Belt, and understand your concerns which are not trivial to work around sometimes (especially the job portion).

    You're in a pattern now that is reaching an end: you have to accept yourself as bisexual. Your mind is building up to the point of coming out, but you're fighting it while you work out the logistics of it. You don't want to hurt those you love in the process. These are legitimate thoughts that you will sort out. You will get there, just accept yourself a little more each day, and keep talking on the forums and to people in your life as much as you can. Know that many of us have had this struggle in some form or fashion, and are very happy to have fought this battle (the most challenging of many ongoing battles).
     
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  13. Jakebusman

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    I feel like being Bi is wrong
     
  14. Jakebusman

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    Update we were talking about Trans people and she made the comment that LGBT people are just born that way they knew they were different since childhood so it's a step in the right direction
     
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  15. Jggates

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    Hello @arken1 thanks so much for your words. I've taken a while to reply, because I've been going back and re-reading your post several times. All of what you are saying makes perfect sense, especially when you talk about "self oppression".

    Yes, perhaps my fear of it all coming out via careless talk from the sister in law is really just evidence I'm still not at peace with it all. Because I guess it shouldn't matter who she tells.

    A long way to go until I'm at that point, I think. But hopefully I can get there soon.

    Thanks again for your post. It's really given me lots of food for thought.
     
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  16. arken1

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    You're very welcome. Happy to share my experience on any more thoughts/conflicts you want to share. Keep us posted!
     
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  17. Jakebusman

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    Was at home before work and my wife was talking to my best friend and they both know I'm Bi actually they say alot of my friends and family know they both told me that I'm just not accepting myself
     
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  18. Jggates

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    Oh wow in a way this is a good thing I think? Sounds like they are accepting. Great news. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Jakebusman

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    The hardest part is admitting it to them
     
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  20. Jggates

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    Yes, that's true. But if they already suspect and seem okay with it, you've got a great head start. I'm envious. :slight_smile: