So, I've got a few problems: 1. I absolutely want to transition, but because my dysphoria comes and goes in varying intensity (sometimes I just don't care about being biologically male) I have moments where I doubt I'm actually trans. 2. I absolutely cannot afford transitioning (insurance would pay, but I couldn't stay in my job (banker in training, most of my colleagues probably wouldn't mind but with our clients that's quite a different story). 3. If I came out, I'd probably lose (figuratively) my grandparents (or like, 75% of them, because one of my grandma's might just be cool with it) and I absolutely do not want that to happen. 4. If I came out, I'd lose at least one good friend (and I absolutely do not want this to happen). Sadly he's a bit of a homophobe/transphobe/etc. (general LGBTQIA*-phobe) and all he knows is that I support the LGBTQIA* community (which he's fine with but he's very much a christian and we agree to disagree on this issue). 5. I cannot afford a therapist and have no idea how to get my insurance to pay for that (and I can't really ask my parents). 6. I am scared af of becoming older, especially of becoming an old woman. Seems to me that men generally age better and sometimes this option just seems easier. However I'm not sure wether it's worth staying the way I am for maybe looking better when I'm old. I just don't wanna get old!!! 7. I am 6 feet / 183 cm tall and I often regret that I didn't start transitioning with puberty, but I didn't have any idea wtf was wrong with me back then. 8. I sort of want to keep my penis. I saw a video of SRS and that really turned me of from the idea of getting one. Plus, I am having fun with mine and don't really have any major genital dysphoria. Your thoughts on these points? Anything's welcome.
Hey Unnamed, and welcome to EC! Before I address your questions, I'd just like to say that I'm glad you found this community. It's been very helpful to myself and a number of others, and I hope it can have an equally positive impact on your life. Now, regarding what you wrote, in the order you wrote it: 1) This is really standard. Not to discount what you're feeling, but if you browse through a day or two of previous posts here, you'll see that a lot of people bring this up. Dysphoria is not a one size fits all thing. People experience it in different ways, to varying degrees, and the waxing and waning of it is absolutely normal. At least for me, there isn't a lot I can do to control how strong mine is at any given moment, so my best advice is to enjoy the times when you're not that dysphoric, and figure out ways to make periods of intense dysphoria more tolerable (let me know if you want tips on this). 2) I get the second part of this, and it sucks. I work at a pretty progressive place, but my job involves forming deep, relatively long lasting relationships with clients, as well as frequent travel to parts of the country that are very transphobic. I'll talk about this more below, but basically you can't live your life for other people, or be prisoner to hypothetical scenarios. Worrying about workplace harassment, whether from fellow employees or clients, is very legitimate. But at the end of the day, you have to live your own life confidently. 3) You can't suffer in silence just for the sake of other people. Doing so will make you bitter and cynical, and I'm saying that from personal experience. Pretending to be something you're not will eat away at you until little worthwhile remains, and at that point people probably won't want to be around you anyway, regardless of your gender identity. I also think if you make your grandparents a reason you don't want to come out, you run the possibility of starting to resent them. My extended family and grandparents are very conservative and religious, and I worry about what they will think of me as well when I come out. But you still should give people the benefit of the doubt. This is really big news for anyone to hear, and it's hard to predict how they will actually digest it. They might react more positively than you think, so I wouldn't necessarily automatically write them out of your life. 4) So, I don't have a huge amount of experience with this, since all of my friends are LGBT friendly, and most of them are LGBT themselves. But I think a lot of what I said regarding your grandparents applies to this. First and foremost, don't automatically assume your friend will react negatively. Often times, people are afraid of what they don't know or understand. This isn't an excuse for being a bigot, but it's nevertheless a common human reaction. I was looking at a survey done in 2015 (in the USA) which said that less than 20% of adults personally know a transgender person. Your friend has probably never met an openly transgender individual. He just has an image in his head of what a transgender person is, and it's probably not a good one. If and when you come out to him, and he actually meets a transgender person who also happens to be one of his good friends, his attitude might change. Show him that we're not the negative stereotype he has in his head, and give him time. I'm not saying he'll come around, but he might. And if he doesn't, like I said, hiding yourself just leads to resentment and failed relationships. 5) I'm not that familiar with medical insurance in Germany, so I don't know how much I can offer here. In Germany, do you have to see a therapist in order to receive permission to under go medical transition? While seeing a therapist is never a bad idea, a common reason trans people see therapists in the USA is that we usually have to in order to receive hormones/surgeries. So maybe check out what the requirements for these things are in your area if you're not already familiar. Also, at least in the USA, some therapists have sliding scales, or pay what you can systems, so if you need/want to see a therapist, talk to them and see what's possible. If/when you see a therapist, I highly suggest doing the research to find one who is familiar with and supportive of the transgender population. 6) I don't think it's that women don't "age well" so much as that society places such an importance on female beauty that when women get older, we're told that we are no longer desired. Men don't age any worse, they're just not told they're aging poorly, because people didn't care as much about how they look in the first place. Men don't "have" to look good in the same way women do. 7) My cisgender sister is 180 cm, and my cisgender female cousin is as tall as me, 185 cm. I mean yes, we're tall, a lot taller than most girls, but tall women exist. My babysitter was probably 190 cm. Being transgender is not easy, and things like this, that you can't change no matter how many surgeries and hormone injections you have, is one of the hardest parts. After a lot of anger, I've decided just to own my height, and learn a lot about volleyball so I have answers for the future conversations when people ask me if I played volleyball in college 8) How/when/why/where you transition is entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong way to do it. If you don't want to have bottom surgery, that doesn't make you any less transgender. In conclusion, coming out and transitioning is not easy. It just isn't. There are endless hoops to jump through and situations to navigate. It's not fair, but it's the situation where in. But every transgender person I've talked to has said it's worth it.
