Should I split up with my husband?

No specific advice, but I can definitely relate. I used to identify as bi as well and have shifted more toward lesbian and wonder if I was really lesbian all along. We're in a bit of a stalemate right now. Are there children involved in your situation?

 

I don't know whether it's worth getting out of an otherwise good marriage and leaving a good man for a "what if" - whether that "what if" is a another woman or another man. That is something only you can decide.

Personally, I would try everything possible to salvage the marriage (i.e., couples counseling). Even if he won't go to counseling, I would sit him down and have "the talk" about how you feel you have drifted apart.

You may decide to stay with him and be monogamous. You may decide to stay with him and have a girlfriend on the side. You may decide that it's better for everyone to split.

Please take some time to think about it - and pull your husband's head out of the sand and talk to him. Whatever happens, good luck.

 

Hey I agree it's a really tough decision. I think you have to try and figure out whether the flaws in your relationship are things that can be improved or rectified.
I think it is easy to remember the fondness of the relationship you had with the girl at uni and see it through rose tinted spectacles. That being said if you are unhappy and they aren't things that you think can be improved then sometimes breaking up the family can actually be the kinder thing to do than everyone being in an unhappy environment.

 

You’re taking the time to think things through and that’s a great direction to head in. I am in a similar situation with my wife. We have tried several options, such as an open/mixed orientation marriage which may be an option for you as well. It has been an ongoing process for us and myself especially as I am not completely comfortable with myself. We have decided to separate at this point though. Communication has been key in the journey and without it would have been much worse. Keep heading in the direction you’re going! Best of luck to you!

 

I do have children. I have one a little younger than yours and one a little older. One reason I'm not comfortable in my marriage is that long term view that you mention. How do you see your future? If I can't see my future with my husband, I have a hard time being content in the present. It sounds like you feel similarly.

 

Yes. He knows. We have talked about divorce, but he doesn't want to. I'm working on how to move forward. It's hard when feelings are not mutual.

 

It’s an agonizing decision. My situation is similar, except I’d never been with a woman. I fell hard for a new friend last year and decided I was tired of pretending to be happy in my mostly sexless, non-intimate marriage. I’ve been in the process of gradual separation for 9 months now. It’s not easy. I am in love with a woman and being with her is amazing. Leaving my husband who I’ve been with since high school is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He’s a wonderful man and I love him, but I’m not in love with him and I’m so tired of living a lie. If I had to do it again? I’m not sure. I may have tried to shut down my feelings for my friend before they went too far. Think really hard before you get involved with someone else. See a therapist. Consider realistically how it will feel not to be with your husband. I hope your path will become clear. There are several women here in similar situations.

 

I could have written this (apart from the college relationship with a woman). I feel like we've been drifting a long time and I feel at least partly responsible. I'm not ready to rock the boat with him or talk separation. I think couples' therapy will be on the horizon eventually, from there I don't know. We have other problems but they aren't severe and I know I'd just put up with it and accept the bad with the good if I was straight. I vacillate between suffocating in the closet and wondering why I'm so selfish. I'm not ashamed to be queer but it's throwing a wrench in my life. I don't see an open relationship or exploration ever being a viable option based on my preferences and his.

 

I feel for you. So been here.

 

Dirtyshirt

I don't know if I have any advice. The only thing that I can offer is my own experience. I'm a bit, a lot, older than you and married for over thirty years. There was a time a couple years ago where I felt that I might have to leave my marriage in order to satisfy my same sex desires. As you know, my wife and I worked out an arrangement that allowed me the chance to explore my sexuality.

What I've found is that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. The more I am around my gay friends, the more I appreciate the relationship I have with my wife. It's not that there is anything wrong with those relationships. It's just that finding a match, that is even close, to my wife in compatibility would be a long shot to say the least.

I have a new intimate friend right now. He is, again, a lot younger than me...nearly thirty years. Part of the reason is that there are so few guys either of us is compatible with. It can be really hard to find the "one". The fantasy is compelling. The reality is another story.

I wonder if you would find what I did. That the need to be intimate with someone of the same sex was so compelling that I lost track of what is important in what I have? Once the urge is satisfied, I seem to have a bit more clarity on what my needs are. And, they are complex. I know I would not be satisfied with a man long term just as I am not completely satisfied with a woman.

Maybe it's time to have a real hard talk with your husband about really needing to open up the marriage?

 

No worries. I wasn't saying you wouldn't be happier just that sometimes it's easy to imagine that something will fix everything when times are tough. In your heart you probably know.
I agree with your thoughts for your son. Sometimes there isn't one solution which is perfect you just have to go with the best one there is.

 

"To be fair he has always known im Bi and that I miss being with a woman and although I never told him about my crush he’s not stupid and it wouldn’t have been hard to work out. I really want to be with a woman but at the same time I don’t want to cheat.

I do feel we have other issues unrelated to sexuality that are unresolved. Im not sure if counselling could help with this.

I definitely won’t make any rash decisions and nothing will happen overnight. I just want to feel I’m going on the right direction, if that makes sense."

You've mentioned something very relevant - you have other issues unrelated to sexuality. I think the bi issue is just another brick in the wall (if I can steal from Pink Floyd). While I'm generally not the type to run to a counselor, I've never been married and had these issues. If you can simply sit down with your husband to discuss all the issues, that would be ideal. If you can't, then perhaps the counseling would be best.

You wanting to make sure you're moving in the right direction makes complete sense.