Hey everyone, So here is the thing. I've been uneasy with my sexuality as long as i can remember, not interested in girls all my classmates when puberty came and so on. I've been questionning my sexual orientation really hard since my 21th birthday, and i'm now soon to be 26. The main problem is i have a very anxious/cautious personnality and i absolutely despise taking risk, ie jumping into something without having some certainty. Also if my gut tell me no its no because otherwise its anxiety attack after anxiety attack. That being said the only manifestation of anxiety making me physically ill is when i was sexually with a girl. Not necessary during the act itself but afterward i would feel intense guilt and headache and lighthearted and i would stop eating for a week etc... My "theorical" questionning didnt bring me any answer than : something is off with girls, ie when i try to fantasize outside of porn about me with a girl it doesn't feel right, except for the one i slept with but i think its because i idealized what we have since as i said , actually being with her almost killed me from anxiety. But then you have noise parameters : all my close friends are girls, i enjoy talking hugging being close emotionally with girls as long as its not sexual and they don't express sexual interest in me. So at that point you are reading this and you probably telling to yourself "oh boy that guy doesn't even realise he is gay". But i don't feel anything strong toward the opposite gender. Like the best way to describe it is : i don't care. Picturing myself with a guy doesn't bring anxiety but it look more like science fiction like i have to do an effort to imagine what i/we would do in bed. Going on a date with a random guy , i know i would be super distant because i'd be like "dude i'm only here to test my attraction but i don't really believe i have it so..". Lastly i am tired. That questionning is a huge waste of my time. I feel i am missing out on a lot of things, including sexual enjoyment. I feel frustrated because i see i need more affection AND sex than that in my life. I am pondering going on an well known hook-up app and putting interest on both boy and girl and sweeping right on everything and going on random date, knowing that for guy i will be weirded out from the start and from girl i will feel terribly anxious and think i am a fraud pretending i'm straight. Any thought, comments , advice ???
You may be asexual too. (Perhaps aromantic? You don't seem to even be attracted to anyone from what I understand when I read your post) Concerning the blind hook-ups... I don't think it would be nice for the other person to go on a date with someone disinterested =/
I have to say i don't think asexuality is an option for me. I can feel that i am frustrated and possibly even jealous sometimes of people getting laid when i'm alone wondering "should i go for girls, should i go for guys ?". I can easily be romantically attracted to a girl and wanting to spend more and more time with her, craving non sexual physical contacts like ,hugs, hand holding, cuddling. I think assexual people aren't dissatisfied with their life because they trully don't care about having sex. I totally agree for the blind date part but i'm tired of putting other people (in that case stranger) first. I don't see any other way to get out of my comfort zone.
I don't think there is anything in what the poster said that would indicate that he is asexual. In fact, he said: You said it feels like science fiction to imagine what you would do with another guy in bed, but that's really how it is for many gay guys until they try it. We can watch porn to acquaint us with the 'mechanics' of gay sex and use our imagination, but that will only take us so far, I'm afraid. By your own admission, all of your friends are girls, so it seems you are more comfortable in the company of the opposite sex. Maybe if you had developed a similarly close bond with guys it would be easier to imagine a deeper and enduring relationship. This is an issue that confuses a lot of gay men actually. It's not unusual to find gay men who actually have few, or no male friends and yet they are deeply attracted to men. The reasons for this disconnect can be complex and often emerge during therapy, but you don't necessarily need therapy to deal with all of this (although it wouldn't hurt if you are struggling to reconcile your feelings). I think this disconnect does lead some gay men to incorrectly believe they are romantically attracted to the opposite sex, while being sexually attracted to the same sex. If you think hooking up with a guy would bring answers, so be it, but based on what you have said here I'm not fully convinced that it's the best way forward. It might satisfy a level of curiosity, but I don't know if it will address some of the deeper questions and issues that you have. It might be better to try to broaden your circle of friends, to include gay men and take it from there... and look into therapy if you are finding the circling thoughts distracting and tiring.
You are making very good points. I don't think hooking-up is the best solution either but i feel the need for a "violent" eye-opener. Do you see what i mean ? I mastered the wait and see method and its not going anywhere. For the therapy i have to say i tried it twice, was NOT convinced by both of them and the second one was clearly telling me i wasn't gay with very few information about me so now i feel you have to get lucky to get a good therapist and if find a bad/not so good one it would make me lose even more time and money (and confuse me even further).
One piece that jumps out for me is what is obviously severe anxiety. Anxiety, by itself, is going to interfere with sex drive and perception of sexual orientation, and it sounds like the anxiety is creating significant interference with simply living your life. So the first thing I would do is see a therapist not for the sexual orientation issue, but for the anxiety. You may also need a referral to a psychiatrist to explore whether you may need medication for the anxiety. But it really sounds like you need to address that first. Once you get the anxiety under control, I think it will become a lot easier and clearer to understand what's going on with your sexual orientation.
@Chronembourg I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist about the anxiety. Just because you don’t want it to control your life! I do therapy, I actually love it lol. Now on to the sexual orientation stuff. Only you can determine what your sexuality is. That said, I didn’t accept that I was gay until my late 20’s. Looking back I’ve always known, but it wasn’t what you were “suppose” to be. You’re were “suppose” to have girlfriends in school, I tried that wasn’t for me. Then get married to a woman, again did that (was married when I came out). Have kids, didn’t have kids (held off on that). My point is sometimes it seems strange because it was never given as an option. But when I really started thinking about it, and seeing how I felt (ignoring the influences of everyone around me) I realized it was actually as natural as breathing. That was a big deal for me! Good luck
@Chip: thanks a lot for your input. you have a point for the anxiety. I was just dissapointed in that regard by the therapists i tried but maybe it's worth having another shot. I have to say though i am anxious but its very manageable i still do take risk without problems like currently i moved to Brussels, Belgium on my own for a job and i didn't think twice. The only time when it gets totally out of control and i start having very hard physical symptoms is when it has to do with my sexuality. @I'mStillStanding: thanks for sharing i see what you mean. I think i'm one of those that are acceptant/open minded of one sexuality as long as its not mine we are talking about. I clearly have a lot of internalised homophobia and as a lot of people i absorbed a lot of preconceived notion of what gender/ kind of people i'm supposed to find attractive etc..
@Chronembourg that was so me! I had tons of gay friends all growing up. Always vocal in my support for lgbtq+ community. But I just couldn’t be gay. There were several reason, I won’t get into them, but yea. I know it’s silly, but what I did was just walked and listened to music. If it was a love song, or sexy kinda song, I’d try and see who’d come to mind listening to it. Try to pay attention to people and see who I found attractive, just very basic stuff. It help clear out all the crap!
I think that is generally a very good idea but it is one of the most distressing activity for me and one that initially triggered my anxiety attack. Like looking at people in the mall trying to see do i find that person attractive and that one and that one ? I have to say (and i'm not completely sure of this as clearly i don't completely know myself) but i feel like i need to bond emotionally with the person before being attracted to her. At least the only time i was confused with girls was when i felt comfortable enough with someone to feel completely safe and anxiety free. So looking at strangers in the street doesn't allow me to infer on anything ^^'
