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How Did You Feel After You Came Out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ATT, Dec 11, 2018.

  1. ATT

    ATT
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    I just came out to my family and best friend yesterday, and while part of me feels a great amount of relief, I also feel a large amount of fear and vulnerability (as expected, I guess). Did anyone feel this way in the days/weeks after coming out? How did you manage/deal with the anxiety? Anything else you felt during this time? There are still more people I need to come out to, which terrifies me a bit, but I guess progress was made with this first step.
     
  2. I'mStillStanding

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    Honestly, the best I felt coming out was when I came out to myself. When I said out loud I’m gay. A pure 15 minutes of joy and bliss. Then I remembered I was married and what was about to happen so tons of stress followed. After I came out to my ex and my family, it was a roller coaster of emotions. Relief, fear, excitement, anxiety, and honestly I was exhausted.

    It takes time to figure out how you fit in, after you come out (or it did for me). It was 8 months after I told everyone, we were at my brothers for thanksgiving decorating his tree. My sister in law was very pregnant and couldn’t travel. This was the first time my we were all together after I came out. My brother made a simple statement, I turned it into a dirty gay joke before I thought about it. The room was so quiet for a few second and everyone laughed so hard. Well except my brother he was embarrassed (he’s a pastor) he only laughed a little. But it was like the first time we had all taken a breathe together... I knew things would be ok!

    You’re still the same person, and they are all the same... now you will just get to be more you than you were before (if that makes sense) and that can take some getting use to for everyone (including you)
     
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  3. NickiFire

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    I absolutely agree with I'mStillStanding. This is going to take some getting used to and just feeling things out. I came out to my family almost a year ago (and myself not long before that) and to be honest I am still super awkward about it. They support me no matter what and I have no reason to be apprehensive, but it's been a slow adjustment process. I think everyone takes it at their own pace and I wouldn't worry too much about what other people have experienced, since it varies so much for different people. I do know that you need to be patient with yourself and your family, and only take steps when you feel ready to do so. I also had a really awkward phase where I was out to a few friends, but not all, and it was a bit uncomfortable sometimes. But every person you tell that accepts you (or better yet is EXCITED for you), you feel a little like you're flying. I'm at the point now where I've started telling people casually, like "Omg I have such a huge crush. Her name is ___" and it just flows into the conversation without having to spell it out for them. This has been working well for me for friends I'm not as close to, but there are still some I haven't told that I want to take some time to genuinely talk to them about it. To be honest I think we will always be coming out, to some extent or another. But it will get so much easier, and you'll have so many people that are happy for you that the few bad eggs won't really matter. How did I deal with anxiety? Honestly I just was really patient with myself, and I got super comfortable with my feelings myself (this is very important). Watching LGBTQ+ videos on youtube that portrayed my feelings was a big anchor for me. It reminded me that no, I wasn't making it all up and yes, girls are damn sexy :wink: (boys for you!) Also finding other people who are in the LGBTQ+ community and chatting with them always grounded me. Congrats on your first step!!! It's a big one, I know. I still remember mine. But you did it. You are strong, and you will take the ups and downs of the future in stride. I know I expressed that there will be some discomfort for a while, but also there will be so, so, so much joy and exhilaration and a trillion other unfathomable feelings. The process of coming out is essentially like taking every emotion you've ever felt and amplifying it x10. It's exhilarating, it's your journey, and I am so so happy you've started. Good luck friend :slight_smile:
     
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  4. weary

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    Vulnerable - that is a great word for it. Yeah, I felt so vulnerable, I was easy to be convinced to just try to stay in my marriage as a m-om. I have never felt that before and it was very scary. It took -that was 2yrs ago - a little less than a yr and half to come out comfortably again and stay out.
     
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  5. ATT

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    Thanks so much! That makes a lot of sense :slight_smile: It's true, I definitely need to figure out how I fit in. This all feels so new and uncharted for me; most of my energy went towards hiding that I was gay, it's terrifying and liberating to realize I don't have to worry about that. Thanks again, you response is very reassuring :slight_smile:
     
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  6. ATT

    ATT
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    Thanks so much :slight_smile: I appreciate your words of encouragement, and am so comforted by what you've said. I'm in a similar position, my friends and family are all extremely supportive, but it's something that I needs to get used to myself. It's pretty much uncharted territory for me at this point. The word exhilaration is definitely fitting: I feel scared, but there is so much hope and promise that it definitely feels super exciting!
     
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  7. ATT

    ATT
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    Vulnerable is definitely the primary emotion I'm feeling, but there are so many others. Thanks so much for your comment :slight_smile: Glad you are feeling more comfortable day by day
     
  8. Biguyjosh

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    I felt relief, embarrassed, awkward, and scared.
     
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  9. Rade

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    Empowered, a relief, though I did it gradual, I had a wife and three kids......
    If I'm honest I feel even more happier 10 month on. I'm more confident, most people at work know but I want to scream it out so I'm sure!!!
    I've moved out, chatting to guys on an APP, looking for a casual or committed relationship.....I feel free and ready to embrace everything gay, yeah.....
     
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  10. Dionysios

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    I came out to my wife two weeks ago. I remembered that I felt both relieved and stunned that I actually told her I am gay. Right now we are trying to get through Christmas and the New Year. We haven't told any of our family or friends yet. My wife appears apprehensive and worried, wondering when I will leave and how she will cope. I feel a bit bewildered and nervous as I contemplate the future.

    I am glad that I came out, but for those of us who are married, it is not so simple.
     
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  11. I'mStillStanding

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    It’s really not easy when you’re married. When I came out to my wife my grandfather was very sick. We keep it quiet till he passed (3 weeks). I kinda followed her lead on talking about it when we were alone, but did try and engage in conversations we normally would have so there was some sense of normal. Good luck through the holidays, and congratulations on taking that huge step :slight_smile:
     
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  12. Rade

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    Your doing incredible considering it's been 2 weeks.....it's that time thing....in another 12 months you could be in a completely different place.....
     
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  13. Dionysios

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    Thanks. Life has returned to an almost "normal" pattern. Every once and a while my wife makes comments like "This may be our last Christmas" or "If you leave, I keep the animals." She has agreed on the need to pay off debts and probably realizes that I am preparing for a future separation. I am hoping that she is gradually accustoming herself to a future without me.
     
  14. Dionysios

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    Thanks Jon! I appreciate everyone's kind comments and support.
     
  15. I'mStillStanding

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    @Dionysios I am really happy for you. It’s hard getting through, and there are going to be some more bumps for sure. When I came out to my ex, I asked for a divorce at the same time. She didn’t hear me, she was in shock. So we had to have that conversation again. I heard the, “this is your last birthday we will be together” and “who’s keeping cupcake (our dog we got on our 1 year anniversary)” they can be gut wrenching for sure. I just reminded myself that she deserved a man who could love her in every kind of way, and that wasn’t me because of my sexuality. I also deserved to get the chance to love someone in every kind of way.
     
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  16. Dionysios

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    Thanks for sharing your story. After I told my wife that I am gay, the first words she uttered were "Are you asking for a divorce?" She was in a state of shock, so I didn't want her to freak out, so I told her I need time to sort all this out and that I wasn't doing anything rash. As we continue to talk, she understands that I may opt for separation and divorce. However there are times she also hopes I will change my mind and not go and "live a gay life." I intend to get our affairs in order first, but after opening the door, I can't see myself settling back into the closet. I am just hoping my wife will eventually realize that while I will always be in her life, it will not be as her husband.
     
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  17. Silveroot

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    Good question. The hardest part was coming out to myself.

    It was a process of going back and forth. Very exhausting, tiring and funny at the same time because a part of me saw the pointlessness of worrying so much about something that can't be helped.

    I've also told my mother I'm gay. She's adjusting I think. At first she and I were just crying though, out of anxiety for the future. Now the topic doesn't come all that often, but things are less tense. It's been about a year since I came out as gay. I've been out to her a bi 3-4 years back. I git back to the closet about my same-sex desire for a couple of years, trying to date guys and stuff.

    I'm slightly anxious about coming out to an lgbt-friendly acquaintance. Given the chance, I'll probably come out to him as well.
     
    #17 Silveroot, Dec 17, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2018
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  18. Lari

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    To me, when the whole process was over and done with, I felt a great deal of relief, happy (almost in an euphoric sort of way, idk how to describe it) but also felt exposed like I was letting people in on my deepest secrets, very vulnerable and a little ashamed.

    I was basically forced to come out to my family after my mom caught me kissing another girl when I was 16, I knew I was gay by then but I so wasn't ready to start having conversations with family yet.
     
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  19. lonewolf79

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    I felt OK on the day... but in the years since (and it's been 13) I am basically back in the closet for various reasons (one is family).
    I admire those who get to live their authentic selves. I wish you all the best. It will take time and I am sure you will find where you fit.
    Take care.
     
  20. Rade

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    Today, roughly 10 months on....it's better than ever. I feel elated and on top of the world.....I've met a guy who also has little experience and we're gonna learn together, it's incredible, I might not go to heaven but at least I will die happy.....
    I met him today and the warmth I feel is amazing, just to hold someone.....
    Coming out is a long journey but worth it....I now know I made the right decision.....