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Married and guilty

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Bratibrat, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. Bratibrat

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    As a teenager, before I understood my identity, i was not as interested in dating or sex as my peers, and didn't really experience attraction very often. When I did like a boy I would call it crush, and when I liked a girl I tried to rationalize it as admiration. I stumbled across a definition of pan sexuality when I was maybe 18 and started identifying as such publicly. By the time I was 21 I was having my first sexual relationship with my now husband.

    for a long time I did not allow myself to explore my clear identity because it almost felt like cheating, as if I was looking for something else. Now that I've put that thought behind me I'm starting to have new thoughts that make me feel guilty. I sometimes think resentful thoughts about my marriage because I have a strong desire to explore relationship with a woman but I know that the thought of this with deeply hurt my husband.

    If I could have everything that I wanted he would be okay with me dating women for a while, but I also realize that would be potentially unfair to both partners and again I would never want to risk hurting him. So basically I feel like I have to give up on that dream and it feels like what I've heard other people described as bi-erasure.

    I did some googling in the best advice I could find was to try to put myself in queer spaces, which brings me here. I would love to talk to anybody really.

    Going into physical queer spaces is pointless for me because as soon as anyone finds out I married to a man they either receive them out she or they treat me like a straight girl, and I'm tired of feeling like I not gay enough.
     
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  2. UMedusa

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    Hey, welcome. I think it's perhaps easier to be married to a guy in some ways if you are queer (versus a completely cisgender lesbian). I kind of always thought of myself as a "gay man trapped in a woman's body," when I was married. It was possible to enjoy sexuality through his eyes, because I was somewhat detached from my body to begin with. If you add a marital relationship to it, he was even a representation of my male psyche, which made the intimacy role-play more effective. The yin to my yang, only we were both sorta yang. I just had to be yin, like when you draw straws and get stuck in a role you don't want to be in, but you do it because that's the only way the game can work. Resentment was a HUGE symptom for me as well. And various forms of guilt, too.
     
    #2 UMedusa, Dec 12, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
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  3. Redwinerox

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    Hi welcome. Long time bi guy married to a lady. First off I applaud you (unlike me) not stepping outside of your marriage to explore your feelings. I didn’t come out to myself as bi until many (unhappy) years into my marriage. I think my bisexuality may have contributed and/or complicated my unhappy marriage. I finally came out to my wife in a marriage therapy session (in hopes that it would be the last straw for her). It wasn’t and now her jealousy has extended to include suspicion about my guy friends as well. If she hadn’t been injured in a car accident 15 years ago I believe we probably would have parted ways by now. I did step outside of my vows (always with a great deal of caution, protection and skepticism).

    My bisexuality is a 2 on the Kinsey scale. I’m very attracted to women, but enjoy sex and intimacy with men too. So, during one of our more turbulent times in our marriage (I considered us separated and living as roommates) I found a wonderful lady on a dating site and she was accepting of my bisexuality. We ended up having a 3 year affair and it ended when our older son had his 2nd child and my wife and I were again speaking. She would have made my life a living hell doing everything she could to stop me from seeing the grandkids (3 now). And said she’d out me to the world, the kids, church, etc... So, it wasn’t fair to my girlfriend to continue our relationship when I couldn’t be with her. That was really painful. The only upside for me was I made a commitment to not step outside of the marriage until I can actually have a relationship. So, until something in my marital status changes I’m just living in the moments and trying to find happiness where I can.

    To be completely transparent: my desires haven’t changed or diminished. In fact there are times that they are unbearable and watching gay porn is a thing. My wife has challenges physically and that makes sex incredibly rare (even if the desire is there). Trying to be true to her and my promise to myself has not been without temptation, but so far so good.

    I know if I would have found that awesome lady at another time in my life an open relationship could have been a possibility. The openness is a two way street and I would have to deal with my partner being with others as well. That is not remotely possible in my current situation. I’d be open to it, but my wife said emphatically that it’s a hard no. I hope you can find a way to be honest with your husband and that your desires don’t boil over to the point mine did when I strayed. I wish you well and hope that the holidays are great.
     
  4. Nikki818

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    I have been with my husband 15 years and just recently came out to myself and my husband. I understand your fear and guilt, it is something that I am really struggling with right now. He has taken it pretty hard but there was something in me that changed the moment that I was honest with him about how I was feeling. I felt relieved, like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I’m not saying that honesty is easy but something about being vulnerable and truthful with myself and him made me feel so much better. The guilt and fear I have now are completely different because I feel that I have “wasted” so much of his life while I held on to my secret. I could honestly go on for days about this. Just know there are so many people in similar situations and here to listen and help!
     
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  5. LaurenG

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    I can relate to your post. I never dated much as a teenager and my thoughts about women always felt like admiration. But I have come to realize they are more then that. I am married as well and will not step out on my husband. Yet I do wish I could explore but like you what is the point of hanging out when I am married.
     
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  6. Forlong

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    Hi and welcome, glad you joined EC. I’m married lesbian, been with my husband 13 years(married 10yrs). I haven’t come out to him yet, but hoping to soon. I really understand the guilt, I feel like its wrecked havoc on my physical health. If you ever need to chat, post on my wall. *Big Hugs*
     
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