I had a realization last year about my sexuality which was really difficult for me. I feel like since I realized that, I’ve had rapidly increasing anxiety and panic attacks. I think it’s related to my feelings about being a liar. I wish I could go back to when I was in full denial.
Perhaps it could be a good idea to see a counselor or a therapist. The first part of coming out is accepting who you are. I do appreciate that is really difficult for most of us. It took me years but im comfortable now not being straight...
I know that’s what everyone says but I keep thinking if I could just not be like this then I wouldnt have to accept it and I wouldn’t have this problem. I don’t want to be gay. I do have a therapist, for the panic attacks. She hasn’t helped me much. I think I’m going to start medication soon, for the panic attacks. But I’m just wrecked with guilt all the time. I feel like I have failed my kids. They rely on me. They are with me full time (their mother isn’t very involved). I try so hard and my life revolves around them but how can I ever be a good dad really when I have this terrible secret? I guess I’m going to have to accept it eventually because that seems like the only option but it just makes me feel so guilty.
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I felt mountains of guilt about my sexuality in the early days of coming to terms with who I really am. When it was effectively repressed it was okay, but as soon as I became aware I could not live in a state of denial. Now, finally, I see myself as a loving gay woman. This transformation has been brought about in part by the fact that I entered into a relationship with another woman who was just coming out. I really was a fully loving partner to her and the fact that she could not accept me ultimately in no way changes my capacity to love another woman completely. I found a quote recently that you might find helpful: "Loving yourself isn't vanity, it's sanity" - André Gide.
I started having panic attacks last year when I was really starting to wrestle with my sexuality. From what I can tell the guilt is normal, it was for me at least. It is hard when no one knows, once I told a few trusted people I felt a lot better about it. But everyone's coming out process is different. I just want to say a couple more things: Being gay most certainly does not make you a terrible dad! I know a gay couple with a daughter, and they are the best dads I've ever met. Very open, genuine people, who have taught their daughter from day one to be free to be who you are and accept and celebrate others for who they are. Whether or not you're a good dad has nothing to do with your sexuality. Be careful on medication. I was on Paxil for 6 months and it was horrible. It decreased anxiety, yes, but also lowered my inhibitions and made me feel emotionally numb. I could't cry, I couldn't feel things, my whole affect changed. It increased my suicidal thoughts and I started self-harming and drinking (both of which I'd never done previously). The thing was, I still felt like I was in control. I knew things weren't great, but looking back now, I can see how disordered my thought processes and justifications were. Just keep talking to people in your life throughout the process: doctors, therapist, trusted loved ones, etc. I didn't tell anyone what was going on and so I suffered longer than I needed to. I hope this helps and I'm not trying to scare you out of it, I just worry when I see people talking about anti-anxiety/anti-depressants. Take care, I know everyone says this but things will get better. Also, @Peterpangirl, I love that quote.
You haven't failed your kids at all, life just changes....I'm accepted by my 13 yr old as not straight, I just said you might have three dad's one day....they already have two, mum rushed her relationship because she can't be alone... It is hard don't get me wrong, it's taken me 42 yrs to accept I'm not straight. You have to learn to love yourself, which also takes a long time......I'm learning to love myself but it's lonely and not easy to find a partner.
I completely agree with others on this thread, your sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with your capacity as a father. If anything you will be an even better father as you will have developed empathy and compassion as a result of your struggles. I know it's much easier said than done, but try not to blame or shame yourself for who you are. It's not easy being LGBTQ in this world, even if generations before us are having a bit of an easier time, it's still very difficult. I have been through the same struggle as you, going back and forth between denial and acceptance. I also thought myself a liar to others to but then I realised that it has absolutely nothing to do with lying. Everyone has personal things they don't immediately want to share with others for many reasons, just because you don't choose to share with people your sexuality does not make you a liar by any stretch of the imagination. Now that I have finally accepted it I have learned that my relationship with others close to me has also benefited hugely. There is nothing more powerful than being able to be true to yourself around your loved ones. I have found that meditation, mindfulness & yoga has really helped me on my journey of acceptance. Everyone has their own path, you will get there when you are ready. Try & be kind to yourself in the process, it's not an easy journey.
I have three kids with my ex wife. But being not straight had no influence on my ability as a father. They are still 13 and under. I'm openly out with my eldest daughter. I think it adds to my diversity as a dad. And if any of them are gay I can support them in the future.....I'm also visually impaired, so already unique so i tell them being different is ok, accept everyone. My six year old made a comment the other day about a homeless person, I told him off, never judge, anyone can end up homeless....don't judge others......
Thank you so much for your replies. I think maybe it will just take time. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting to accept it and feel better but then I feel worse again. Idk. I know gay people can be good parents but I feel like the shock of thinking your parent was straight and then having them come out might be bad for them. I feel like I should have done that before I had kids- like it’s too late now. I know it’s not really, that’s just how I feel sometimes.
I know what you mean about feeling like you've failed your kids. My son is almost 10, he used to really look up to his dad, and I can feel that fading away. He's very perceptive, I feel lots of times like my kids would be better off without me around. I cried a lot today, I'm sure you have too, thinking about trying to measure up as a dad, since we want to be our best for our kids, but being in what feels like a rigged contest since so much of society feels like it's against anyone not toeing the straight, heteronormative line.
My sexuality doesn't affect my relationship with my kids. I left a month ago, see them about 4 days a week. I'm out to my 13 year old, not the 10 or 6 yr old. But if I eventually get a partner they will need to know then. I can't see much difference in them since I left. My sexuality adds to my diversity as a dad. Yeah I've had some guilt but I'm moving forward now....
My kids are very open-minded and accept others who are different. We are close too. I am not exactly sure what I think will happen if they find out. But yes it does feel a bit like a “rigged contest”...
It's such a different world now, it's ok to come out in some cases really young.... youngsters don't see it a big thing at all.....us older generations have it so much harder....I can't believe it took me 42 yrs to break free.....
I can understand how difficult it is but we ourselves are usually the ones who give ourselves the hardest time about being gay. As you work through it I'm sure the moments where you are starting to accept it will become longer and more frequent.
Kinda broke my heart a little to read this, even though I don't have kids and I'm not going through that. It honestly sounds like you're an amazing parent. And whatever he may be thinking/feeling now, nobody keeps the same perspective they have when they're 10. As he gets older, I'm sure he'll understand better. I know now, even though I had various issues with my parents growing up, I respect them for the sacrifices they made for me cuz I'm old enough to understand it now.
I feel the exact same way. I just realized that I’m bisexual a couple of months ago. I also have not come out to anyone, not even my wife. After coming to the realization that I am bisexual, my anxiety and associated panic attacks have gone up 10 fold. I’m also considering finding a therapist.
I don’t have kids (and am late to the thread) but something you said stood out to me. The feeling like a liar. I felt the same at first, but that’s not the case. I had hidden from myself, and was telling the only truth I knew. Don’t be hard on yourself about that I was married when it hit me, I understand guilt. One is my best friends came out when his kids were 17,19, 22 and they are closer than ever. Hoping for the best
Yeah, my friend who I came out to was more accepting than I was I have this feeling now whenever I socialize. Like I am not presenting the real me. I kind of wish this at times too but when I accept that I am gay and start to think of the potential for intimacy, I feel so happy...
Gotcha. My therapist always told me, “remember your sexuality is just one part of who you are and you aren’t required to share that with anyone!” It’s great advice, though I still struggled with the feeling. I always just held onto the future. What I was gonna get out of the struggle. I never experienced all those things my friends had, when it came to relationships/relations. That’s honestly what got me through.
