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Am I Bi? Or gay?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Saveme123, Dec 10, 2018.

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  1. Nickos

    Nickos
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    The one thing that relieves me from my OCD is to give in to the thoughts... I stop trying to control them and I just accept them, force them to come out and I stop being scared about them. When that happens the whole just... disappears.

    They are just thoughts, not a reality. Don't give them more power than you should, especially since you realize that they are irrational.
     
    #41 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
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  2. Nickos

    Nickos
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    the whole thing**
     
    #42 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
  3. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    But they just hurt me and terribly. I'm afraid I did this on purpose all by myself. What the hell have I done...
     
    #43 Saveme123, Dec 11, 2018
  4. Nickos

    Nickos
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    You can't do this really on purpose from what I know trust me.

    I know it's hard to do so that's why I suggest you see some professional help! :slight_smile:
     
    #44 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
  5. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    Are you sure? Well i now put myself instead of a person I have a memory with, and feels true. So i probably did all this on my own and feel so screwed up that soon I'll end my life :')
     
    #45 Saveme123, Dec 11, 2018
  6. Nickos

    Nickos
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    Yes I'm sure. It can't happen that easily. Otherwise everyone would have it :slight_smile:

    What do you mean when you say it means true?
     
    #46 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
  7. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    I'm feeling so so sad, paranoid and terribly scared that I'm literally sleeping with my girl's pictures next to me. They prevent me from crying the whole night and help me relax... she's the prettiest and cutest girl ever, I want to be with her so bad, and want all this stuff out of my head...Just her. No gay people i know, no friends, no sexual acts, no random stuff...Just her. Just her...and i'm writing this with tears running down my cheeks. I'm sorry but I feel a failure...
     
    #47 Saveme123, Dec 11, 2018
  8. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    I mean It feels like It happened even when i know It didn't. Feels like a false memory
     
    #48 Saveme123, Dec 11, 2018
  9. Nickos

    Nickos
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    Stay with me in this one bro. Relax. First of all you acknowledge these fantasies aren't real, you say so yourself. Everything is OK and you are enough!

    Why are you feeling like a failure? You don't seem like one. You are one capable of love heartwarming person who loves a nice pretty girl, lucky enough to have him! And you care for her and that is sweet! :slight_smile:
     
    #49 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
  10. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    Because I feel I can't take care of her enough and all this"being in my head" always scanning my thoughts for what I'm thinking and seeing Is hurting me like hell. I now sometimes have random thoughts like " I want a man" "He's good looking and attractive" and they don't spike me anymore. I notice men a lot more and It freaks me out. I know now homophobia Is something defenitely stupid and I acknowledge It, it's not only about sex but love as well But I don't want to love men. I mean probably anyone can have sex with anything, If every person tries hard enough can be turned on by thinking of trees or clouds. But I'm still struggling and sometimes wonder "how can I be with her if i don't even know what I am?" It wasn't like that when the questioning kicked in and thoughts weren't so horrible. And now i had literally an intrusive image with You instead of her during our first time. How fucked up can this be? When a person realizes to be gay or basically not straight, Is It always like this? So painful, weird and sometimes disgusting? People flashing before my eyes all day for almost SIX months now. HOCD or whatever, I feel beaten, devastated, tired and completely gone
     
    #50 Saveme123, Dec 11, 2018
  11. Nickos

    Nickos
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    Oh damn I'm sorry about that. Didn't think of it when I uploaded my photo :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Everything is okay I reassure you. You said yourself earlier that you don't get turned on by guys much, is that right?

    Do you have any actual proof that you like guys other than watching or fantasizing on purpose gay acts?

    You can be with however you want as long as you don't hurt them and you feel happy with them, since that applies to your relationship again it's perfectly acceptable :slight_smile:

    Let the thoughts pass your mind, try accepting them, try not to resist them. Think of it as a bad nightmare alright? Just because you saw a bad nightmare it doesn't mean anything. It's just a bad nightmare. Make it like some sort of mantra, take deep breaths and try to relax. You can stop the circle and you will stop the circle of this!

    I understand that you are scared that you will be doomed etc, I really do but the reality is different, everything will be alright.
     
    #51 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
  12. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    Thanks for your support my friend.
    I don't have much other proofs, Just getting off to both thinking of having sex with a man (me being the top) and sex with women ( few moments ago I tried fantasizing having sex with a former teacher in her 60's with me giving her oral sex and got off). So I HAVE NO IDEA. But still, getting huge boners out of old ladies, helps a bit hahahha
     
    #52 Saveme123, Dec 11, 2018
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  13. Nickos

    Nickos
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    Hehe
    No worries then, you are alright and once you manage to handle the situation it will be nothing but a bad memory :slight_smile:

    Glad that I could help :slight_smile:
     
    #53 Nickos, Dec 11, 2018
  14. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    So this keeps happening. Think of One or the other and get Off. But there are intrusions, especially when I think of women and some man appears. It doesn't happen the other way around. This Is what bothers me, I want to control this...
     
    #54 Saveme123, Dec 12, 2018
  15. Nickos

    Nickos
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    That's the problem
    You are trying to control it. You should let it loose instead, the less you react when it happens, the quicker it will stop! :slight_smile:
     
    #55 Nickos, Dec 12, 2018
  16. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    Just one more question, I don't know if you're gay or bisexual, But how does It feel like? I have a few bi and gay friends and none of them felt like this, they simply knew and felt comfortable. Yet, i'm with this beautiful girl and evertomee I think of her smile I feel shivers and then feel calm, much calmer. Saying that I'm confused is an euphemism..
     
    #56 Saveme123, Dec 12, 2018
  17. Nickos

    Nickos
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    Sadly I can't answer you to that 100% right since I'm questioning my sexuality.

    It can feel like crap during denial, it can feel great while you are with someone who *clicks* with you and you can feel bad and/or weird and bad when you do something with someone who you might not like. At least those are my experiences.

    But while I've felt those stuff emotionally having sex with someone hasn't worked for me so far. I get bored or it doesn't feel good. Go figure :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Maybe someone else can help with this one? Anyone?! haha
     
    #57 Nickos, Dec 12, 2018
  18. Saveme123

    Saveme123
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    Well I still feel connected to her and feel damn sad inside cause if I never questioned myself AGAIN, we would've been much better now. Won't mention how awful I'm feeling cause I literally saw my late grandpa in some situation I want to forget immediately, and feeling even worse when I had what I Hope was a false movement cause.
    And had another One when thinking how nice would've been meeting her when we were kids, growing up together, kissing her and falling in love...
    And here we go again, tears ...
    Full of sexual images and people I don't care about, but whenever I see her in my mind, this happens. Hope love and calm might help me going through this...
     
    #58 Saveme123, Dec 12, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
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