Joined dating APP

Safety first. Men can be such babies about condoms, shame on them for that. Just stick up for yourself and be strict about condom use when dating. Is the whole, "I have an STD/STI," conversation really one you want to have at some point with someone you love? You're 43 and NOT infected with something. Keep up the good work. You are talking about sleeping with people that have been sexually active for decades. Protect your health and the health of your future partner(s). This is something I feel strongly about. No one wants to get an STI. Condoms will prevent that, while allowing you to be sexually active.

Now get out there and gitchoo sum. son!

 

Go you for putting yourself out there and going for what you think you need.

I wanted to touch on a couple of things since you are new to hooking up and might have some worries about STI's. Its good to learn so keep asking questions.

So oral is safer in the sense that you won't get HIV from it, but most STI's get transmitted through oral. We are talking about chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. People usually say "safer" when they just mean that you won't get HIV through oral. So yes, its safer in that sense.

Things to keep in mind:

- Flavor condoms are a thing. Try them out if you are curious.
- Don't floss right before a date where you think your suck someone off
- Swallowing doesn't carry any risk for STI (acid in your stomach kills it). Most of the transmission happens inside the mouth so swallowing fast without keeping it in your mouth helps. Not getting cum in your mouth help A LOT if you are worried. precum can still carry stuff, but the chances are way lower.
- If you get an STI, its not the end of the world. Not a thing people like to get, but most of them are easier to treat than the flu. So deep breaths even if you get something.

Last thing, start getting tested NOW. Don't wait until you have a scare to figure out how to get tested for STI's. You want to get tested at least once a year. If you start hooking up a lot then start getting tested once every 6 months. A lot of LGBT centers and clinics will offer this for free, so start searching for the place and go. Its easier to go through the whole process without any fear. So just do it.

So this is not how it works.

If you get your most common STI, then you go to a clinic, take one single pill, and you will be rid of the STI in less than a week. You don't need to tell someone you love that you had one if you don't want to because its not a threat to their health.

Plus, why would you be afraid to tell your partner that you once had an STI? If your partner leaves you over that or sees you as less, then you had dodged a bullet.

STI prevention doesn't work this way.

For example, if I sleep with 1,000 guys but then get tested and it turns out that I don't have anything, then your chances of getting an STI from me are the exact same chances than if you slept with a virgin. That is how it works.

People aren't more dangerous simply because they had more partners.

Yes, go and explore. Have fun, meet great guys, go on dates, and learn what you like.

My only tip is to be honest. Be vulnerable, let other guys know what you need, and hold your standards. Its helpful if you can hook up with people that can give you space to learn and go at your own pace.

Its okay to tell people "This is my first time with a guy since I was a teenager so I'm a bit nervous". Find yourself cute guys who will enjoy this journey you are taking as much as you will. They are out there

 

You have a lot of great advice on many threads, including this one. Women tend to have more severe and lasting symptoms from STI's, so I maybe came across strongly to you on this topic.

-Not all STI's are cured with 1 pill. STD's cannot be cured at all, yet both are preventable.
-Both STI's and STD's are common, increasing in correlation to sexual partners (age), and both are preventable.
-If you get an STI and clear it, obviously that doesn't need to be disclosed to a partner. If you go to work violently ill, you would probably warn people or go home. If you go to work perfectly healthy, you aren't going to tell them about that time you were violently ill a year ago, so they better watch out.
-Probability of passing along STI/D's if you have not contracted anything is the same as a virgin, I agree. Probability of getting and transmitting an STI/D and not knowing it if you sleep with 1000 people and are only tested every 6-12 months? Much higher than a virgin, regardless of dental flossing.
-Probability of getting a parasite or bacterial infection from not cooking your pork or washing your lettuces? Not high, but we do it, because getting sick sucks and getting other people sick is irresponsible.

 

Smurf has some great advice. I hook up occasionally and safety is really important as my wife and I are still, rarely, sexually active.

I have yet to have a hookup where I don't discuss my partner's "status". If he hasn't been tested in 6 months, and he is sexually active with more than his partner (open marriage with rules) I will pass on him or ask him to be tested. I test every 6 months even if I haven't had a partner in that time because I just feel it's the right thing to do and sometimes the tests don't catch everything everytime.

I hookup up but don't do one night stands. But, often there is intimacy on the first meeting. It's sort of the way it works a lot of the time. Two horny guys together and stuff is gonna happen. So, be prepared every time even if you are sure it's just going to be coffee or a beer. I just met a guy a few days ago for a beer and, well, we didn't even get to the beer. But, we did stop mid-grope and have a frank discussion about how we would protect each other before we continued on....it was, actually, sorta hot because I respected him more after the chat.

NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS USE A CONDOM. I know of too many guys who think their partner has been monogamous and he hasn't. So, you are sleeping with everyone your partner's partner has. That can be a lot of people. I quit a guy because he kept telling me that I was the only guy he was with so we didn't need a condom for anal sex and then found out I was the only guy but that guy he met on vacation. Glad I stuck to my rules.

Oral sex with a condom can work. Depends on the guy and depends on you. Doesn't work with me but you can do a lot of oral play and limit your exposure and still have fun with a guy until you are comfortable with him.

My biggest concern is genital herpes. That can be a real pain. So, I ask about that. Oral Herpes is something I assume pretty much everyone has and you are not gonna keep from being exposed to that....you may already have it anyway.

 

Jon,
Good luck to you! It's a brave first step and I hope it all works out for you. The comments by others were very informative - great advice! I'm not ready to take plunge yet myself. But it did make me wonder which dating apps to use when the time comes. I am not familar with all these dating apps and there seems to be quite a few. Is there a tread here about the pros and cons of various gay dating apps? That would be very helpful. Thanks. Take care.

 

Rade

Wow! That was fast! Speaking from personal experience, try not to get overly invested in the first guy you respond to. You never know but there are a ton of flakes out there. We tend to build this fantasy when we first get out there and you may over reach a bit and it is easy to get yourself in over your head and do more than you planned. Just be really careful!

Ironically, I had this conversation with my new friend that I met on an app. He has about given up because he spends so much time filtering through a lot of crazy guys. It was pretty funny because we had both met up with several of the same people and had to bail pretty quick after meeting. It was good for a laugh talking about a shared experience but also pretty unsettling that we had both fallen for meeting with the same guys that looked so good on line.

Meet in a very public place.

 

Fantastic! Sounds so exciting! Am really thrilled and pleased for you! We all need some happiness in our lives. I wish you well with the upcoming meeting. It sounds that you are certainly ready for this next step. Good luck!

For me, I continue to ride a roller coaster of emotions. I feel relieved at times and anxious to get this behind me to being depressed and filled with guilt about what I am doing to my wife. My wife also has her ups and downs. Most of the time it feels quite normal, as if nothing has changed. Yet occasionslly she gets suddenly teary eyed, saying that this might be our last Christmas and that she will miss cuddling with me. Yesterday she was angry, lamenting that our marriage has been a sham. This whole experience has been so strange and stressful. One moment my wife says that I am sexy and wants to have sex with me while at other times warns me not to go on dating apps or catch me watching gay porn. I dread next month, which will be our anniversary. That will be a difficult day. Still, I am just hoping that all of this will improve with time. I suspect you and other guys in our situation have gone through these moments. Take care and thanks for asking.
Dennis

 

Jon,

Sorry, but not surprised, you've been down the road I am going down now. It's such a strange experience, especially regarding sex. My wife craves it at times, then dismisses the idea saying I'm not really attracted to her. My wife and I had such an easy going relationship before I came out, which is now tinged with tears, sorrow and drama.

It must have been a real challenge trying to save while staying with your family. Few people save in even tje good times. It's especially hard saving money when bills come due. My wife pays the bills and would notice at once if I started diverting money. She would probably suspect that I am preparing to leave. Right now my goal is to pay off debt and she agrees with that goal. I doubt if I will have many assets when the time comes to head to the door but hope to have a light debt.

It must be quite a task helping co-parent a young child with ADHD when you both live separately. My son had ADHD when he was younger, and I remember trying to use behavior modification for years. It took a lot of time and stress before I agreed to put him on medicene. Thankfully my son is much better today. He is 28 years old. My wife and I will be spending three days around the Christmas holiday with our son and daughter-in-law, though we will stay at a hotel (my son and his wife gave their spare bedroom to a friend). Hope to have a pleasant time. My son and his wife don't know yet about my coming out.
Good luck with Boxer Day. It will be your childrens first holiday with you and your wife no longer together. The kids may feel a bit lost. Just take it easy. In years to come, you will have established your own family traditions which they may grow to cherish and love. Take care good luck woth your date and holiday preparations.
Cordially,

Dennis

 

<3 <3 !!!! Yay!

 

Jon,

Thanks for the explanation about not posting dating apps. Will keep that in mind.

So sorry to hear about the situation with your 13 year old daughter. What a nightmare that must be. It certainly sounds like you have your hands full. Too bad medication has not been of much help. Is she seeing a counselor? Professional help might bring about an improvement for your daughter.

While my son didn't have those issues, I too had a difficult time with my boy when he was in high school and got into drugs. It took me some time to figure what was going on with his surly behavior. I discovered he was breaking into cars and stealing to support his drug habit. Had to kick him out of the house. Finally I threatened to have him arrested unless he went into rehab. That cost me a small fortune, but he eventually got better. I feel very fortunate, because four of his friends OD.

I trust that 2019 will be a better year. At least you are on your own and beginning your new life. That is such a major milestone. Don't fret about what you can't control. This Christmas season may be not as joyful as in years past, but better ones will come. As a friend once told me, bad times pass quickly. I hope that holds true for you.

Financially it must be difficult, but you will have to tough it out. When the time comes for me, I'll probably look for a small apartment or room to rent. It sounds like your wife appears to have a job. Mine hasn't worked in years and is very dependent on me. I feel obligated to make sure she taken care of, though it will mean major sacrifices for me.

Time to sign off and head to work. Take care my friend.

Cordially,

Dennis

 

Jon,

I feel your pain. When I married my wife, I also acquired her credit card debt. Geez, at one time I discovered that she had secretly opened up a credit card after we married. I found that there is seldom a store my wife enters that she doesn't find bargains. Hopefully your wife isn't like that. It's too bad she doesn't earn more. It's tough trying to budget if one doesn't earn enough.

It's a wise idea to get a second job to give yourself a little more financial security. At least you do not have full-time custody of the kids. It would be impossible keeping a second job when one has to watch over young children.

I retired early last year but work two part-time jobs. I enjoy what I do and prefer to stay busy, but the added income also comes in handy paying bills. I would actually like to give one of the jobs up, but want to pay off as much debt before that happens.

Glad to hear you are feeling happier. The worst may be behind you. Try to stay positive. I remember going to an event which was stressful. I made up my mind to have a good time and in the end actually enjoyed myself. I remind myself that I can't control what others do or say. The only person I can control is myself.

It's good belonging to a site like this to vent about what we are going through and encourage one another. It's lifted my spirits. Hope that's true for you too!

Cordially,

Dennis

 

Jon,

Glad to hear how far you have come and that you are free to live your life openly. Just being able to tell others must feel very liberating. That's great! I look forward to the day when I will be able to do the same. My wife has mentioned that if I leave her, if I could wait until after her birthday (which is next summer). Good grief, I don't think I can wait that long.

It's wise that you are documenting the monies you are sending your wife. I was a clerk for an attorney while I was in college and it's important to have solid evidence. Sadly, I don't know many divorces that ended amicably and arguments over financial assets seem to cause it. Hopefully that won't be the case with your wife. She may realize that, for the sake of your children, your lives will be forever intertwined. When the time for divorce comes, she may try to reach an amiable settlement. At least I hope so.

I'm praying that my wife and I can reach a mutual agreement when that time comes so we can avoid the costs of hiring lawyers. I don't have child support to worry about, though I may have to give her alimony so she can make ends meet. Still, when her family or friends learns about our situation, they may persuade her to try to take me for everything I have. Only time will tell....

Take care!

Dennis