It hit me the other day, that maybe the time has come to break up... with myself... or at least the old me. Very long story short: I finally accepted my sexuality (gay man) January will be 3 years ago, I was married at the time so that complicated things but I knew there was no going back, over the next three months I came out to my entire family and separate from my spouse (no children). I’m still living in the same small town, surrounded by all the same people, in stone throwing distance from family, and while my views and outlooks have changed my actions have been hindered greatly. I’m surrounded by the ghosts of my past and the “straight” me is right there always just lurking under the surface... I think most of everyone I know (although they have “always known” I was gay) is hoping he will be making a come back... It’s time to say good by to him, but honestly I’m scared because I have no idea what that means for me!
Yeah, it sounds like you need to put the straight you to bed for good. As you have found it's not easy. Being out isn't easy especially in a small community. Would you consider moving to another town nearby or away? So you can be the gay man you want to be.... You have made alot of progress and having a plan will move you forward further.....
Hey What always struck me about how you came across in your posts back in the day was how much you cared for your family and how much you valued those relationships. I know that was not always reciprocated. Even so, does becoming a new you mean that you try to move away from those relationships? You have always been one of the good guys. Even if you and others thought you were straight. So, I hope that this "breaking up" is more about moving on and not about trying too much to toss out the old. I've mentioned this to you a few times in the past. That maybe you need a change of scenery as much as anything. Maybe move to the city and spread your wings some safely away from your family?
Rade, I did want to clarify, I’m completely out. The straight me I’m referring to is more like I find myself censoring my thoughts and such because of who I’m around. I can’t go to the grocery store without bumping into someone I went to church with, so I try and remind myself of that when I get to “looky”. It’s weird, I just feel stuck in a straight world. And I don’t have anyone to talk to about just normal stuff, my family is uber conservative so a sex and the city style convo is out. I’m finally getting to where I think I can make an escape plan...
Nick, We have talked about it. And finally today I got some news that I think is gonna free me up. I was scared to leave (not that I can just pack up tomorrow or anything) because of mom. I needed to know she would be ok and I think she will be So now I can actually start seriously making plans to get out. The break up is more I want to live uncensored. I want to be able to go out with friends and not worry about bumping in the pastor’s wife. I want to be able to figure out where I fit. I’ve not had a chance to do that, and it’s near about drove me crazy. No lie! I try and stay positive but this year has been hard. I’m tired of judgement, even today mom (bless her) made a comment about two types of gay people. The moral upstanding guys and then the nasty perverted guys. Well, mom I kinda hate to tell ya... lol no for real what I said was cell phones were gonna be her best friends because they would keep be from being as free of a hoe as I’d like to be... she didn’t find that funny...
It sounds like this what you need. You've been really good at figuring out who you are and what you need. Then, it seems, you get pulled back into the old lifestyle that you find suffocating. You know, a lot of us leave the family nest for a lot of reasons. I had to go far away, not because of my sexuality, but because of how the influence of my family and my religion were stifling me. I think it's really good for a lot of us to take this step.
I do find it helpful to start fresh with my bisexual identity in my new city, and I am guessing you would too if you moved. But I do hope to be out to the folks who have always known me as straight. I don’t think I’ll be fully integrated until then. In my case being out to only a few is due to my love and respect for my wife, who has been adjusting to my orientation at a different pace than me. My lack of being out “back at home” is not because I’m censoring myself. If you are feeling pressure from those around you to go back to the old you, maybe you are in a similar situation. But you also say you are afraid, so it is internal too? I like what @Nickw says. Please don’t abandon the really neat stuff about your old self, but maybe add some chance for assertiveness for the new parts to shine through too. If you have to go away to have the chance to balance that in yourself without external pressure, so be it. Although most hero journeys end with coming home and being recognized even in the hero’s changed condition.
@Nickw mom and I had a great talk. She brought it up, about knowing I wanted to leave. When she asked where, I literally said anywhere lol which is true I’m looking forward to an adventure. So after the holidays I’ll start making some concrete plans I guess. The religion thing I get too. I was raised in church, but finally broke down and told mom I’m an omnist. My second coming out lol. @DecentOne alot happened after I came out. I had a very active thread on here that I detailed everything through the process. It was sent out to so many people in an effort to hurt me. I do still have love and respect for my ex, but it’s for the past. What we had before I came out. I knew it would be hard, and we were both gonna be hurt. I had a fantasy we would still be friends some day, not gonna happen. I just never imagined some of the stuff that happened would have. I was honest, didn’t drag it out, didn’t step out to expierment (I don’t judge others relationships just knew that wasn’t the right choice for mine and that one). But everything I did was wrong according to literally everyone in my life lol. She’s re-married so that’s a blessing, people can stop saying the f****t ruined her life. I’m trying to think of how to explain it... like if I see an attractive guy and say something about it out loud I find myself quickly changing the subject or someone else doing the same. I rarely do this too, I think it but just don’t say it. That’s the censorship. My family (that I still talk to) I love and they are great. But for people who’ve “known” my whole life they aren’t very comfortable with the idea. And I’m like it’s been three years, I’ve never felt comfortable enough to bring a guy around. I’ve never even dated a guy. The censorship. It’s funny. I came out, best thing ever. Have struggled with my depression and anxiety more since which surprises me. Thought I had taken control of my life and sexuality and have just realized it was an illusion. Worked through the sexual abuse from childhood, check. Work through the horrible bullying, check. Work through feelinga of rejection by family, check. And yet someone I’ve still not worked through the self blame for it all. Almost like there is something so inherently horrible about my life I need to spend it paying penitence. Like some how I deserve to be here... no personal life... days taken up and focused on being the caregiver for mom and my grandma... Well that thought took a dark turn so I’m gonna step away. It’s almost 9 AM EST so totally ok to sneak a glass of wine. Promise to be more positive upon return!
