I have not come out to my husband but feel the need to be honest with him especially since I am at a place where I do want to separate now that I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay. We are having marriage challenges and are working on them but ultimately I know I can’t give him the relationship he wants and deserves. So my question is - for anyone who came out to their spouse, did that have a negative impact legally during the divorce. Could he/she use that info against you when determining alimony/child support etc... I have not cheated at all but just finally recognized that I am a lesbian and can’t continue to be married. I wouldn’t think it would have a negative impact since I have not committed adultry but just want to chexk. I know I should contact an attorney but haven’t done that yet.
Hi @Elle993 - I hope others with actual experience will chime in. Your thread caught my eye because of my own situation. Short answer is that it should not matter, but it really depends on the jurisdiction, and if it goes to court the judge has a LOT of discretion. Good luck! =Sevn
I wish I had the answer. I came out to my ex, and asked her for a divorce. I also never cheated, and was honest with her. We didn’t have children so our situation was very different. We lived in a very small town and everyone knew (she told why I had asked for the divorce) what was going on. After we had been separated nearly a year she finally agreed to do an uncontested divorce and it was rather easy, again we didn’t have children. It’s gonna be hard no matter what, personally I went straight to an attorney to discuss all possibilities. It could have played out very differently here in the Bible Belt and I was nervous about that. Maybe that would be a good route to go?!
Thank you @SevnButton and @i’mstillstanding - I’m in the south but a progressive city so it should be ok. I know I need to go ahead and contact an attorney it’s just overwhelming to look for one. But once I initiate the conversation of separation/divorce I know things might move quickly and I need to be prepared. I keep putting it off.
I understand the hesitation. My mom kind of forced me to tell her (won’t bore you with the details) after that I knew I had to get the ball rolling. For me I realized two very important truths: 1) my ex deserved a husband who could love her in every way and that wasn’t me and hadn’t been me for the majority of our relationship. We were best friends, room mates, but that’s about it. There should be more for her. 2) I deserved to be able to love someone in every way. I held on to those two truths because I knew being honest was me doing the right things for both of us. Now, everyone is different. This is just how I handled it. It was almost three months from coming out to myself to actually separating from my spouse... the longest three months of my life.
This is such a complicated question because it depends on where you live. I can tell you about Scottish law, or UK in general. But it is probably good for you, in addition to reaching out to a lawyer, see if you can find a government website that outlines grounds for divorce. For me, it did not factor in as a negative in terms of things like child support or alimony, custody arrangements, it was not considered a negative towards me at all. It was also evidence of us having unreconcilable/irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
@Elle993 You said you have not come out to your husband. My suggestion would be not to. I know this goes against the whole coming out premise. But if you are having marital issues aside from the whole lesbian issue, then you can very easy get a no-fault divorce no different than any other divorce. I came out two years ago to my husband, tried to make it work, then separated. This year I wanted to make it formal and as soon as I suggested a legal separation, my husband changed his tune. I was really worried about the fall out with our daughter and custody. Luckily it didn't come to that. To do over though - I would not take that chance ever. Just do the divorce without coming out.
Hey @Elle993 You're really smart to consider those questions. My ex is an attorney, and our divorce was final earlier this year. He tried to use everything he could think of against me... including my sexuality. A lot will depend on how your husband chooses to handle it. Here's what I know: As far as child support and custody, it should not matter. Child support is a formula based off 1) custody and 2) income. It's pretty standard. If it goes to trial, he could possibly argue that you are an unfit parent, and if you get a conservative judge, you may have a problem. However, it would be unlikely that he would be awarded more than 50/50 custody without having some serious proof. Also, 90% of divorces are settled in mediation so most likely everything would be negotiated without a judge. Alimony is a whole different ball game though. It varies by state. First I would advise you to find out what the law is in your state. I'm in TN... where there is no standard. The general rule though is that if you were married 30 plus years, you get alimony for life. Anything under that is highly variable. Once you have an attorney (and make sure you do your homework before hiring one because your attorney will make or break your divorce... no joke), file first. This is crucial. Your attorney should know which judge in your county is most likely to rule in your favor based off of the circumstances. A good attorney will make sure your case goes to the right judge. You don't want his attorney filing first and doing that for him. Hopefully it won't go to trial but having the right judge as a backup will give you the upper hand. I'd do that regardless of whether or not you decide to tell him about your sexuality. Also, I had my attorney put a clause in my MDA stating that alimony was fixed and non-changeable. This is because even if you just get a roommate, under standard law, alimony is voided. It's all so very complicated, and I'm sorry that you are going thru it. BUT a big congratulations on accepting your sexuality!! That's a huge step in the right direction towards happiness.... hopefully for both you and your husband.
Thank you for sharing! This is all really helpful as I start to plan on my approach. For now I will not say anything until I reach out to an attorney and get more information on what to expect. I’m not looking forward to what may come but I know it’s important to do this for both of us to be happier in the end. Thank you again!
Here's a related question, even though I don't think I'm heading into a divorce: We refinanced our house a few years ago. My wife's credit rating was terrible, so we did a quit claim deed to put the house in my name only, in order to get the loan approved. Is there any reason now not to go back having the house in both of our names? (We're in California)
I'm not an attorney.... was just married to one for almost 15 years and every state's law is different. Typically, it doesn't matter who's name is on the loan. Martial assets are split 50/50 (unless there is a pre-nup) so she is probably entitled to 1/2 the equity. However, as far as the bank is concerned, you are solely responsible for the debt so your credit is on the line while hers is not. Hope that's a little helpful.
Thanks @MiaSansTime. I guess I wasn't clear - the title of the house is in my name only, and the loan is paid off. I think it's still the same as you said, though.
It shouldn’t matter in the USA but depending on your ex’s views, it might make things more high conflict. For custody, the main thing that matters is status quo (who normally looks after the kids). For financial assets it’s just split 50/50. Some states have fault divorces which I think mainly affects alimony, but I think that’s also mainly if you cheated. Definitely consult council. I got divorced without telling my wife first. I still haven’t told her. On the one hand, I’m glad that there was no extra complication- on the other hand, I feel guilty because I think it would have been nicer for her to know why... so there’s pros and cons. But I don’t regret getting divorced at all. Good luck.
