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Considering an Affair

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Yolanda, Dec 4, 2018.

  1. Yolanda

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    I am a woman married to a man. I do love my husband, but I’m sure many of you who realized your same sex attractions later in life, or played straight ball for most of it, will understand, when you begin having feelings for the same sex but do not allow those feelings to flourish and to e experienced, they drive you crazy. I’ve spoken to my husband about letting me explore this, but he has refused, and I can’t say I blame him. But the thing is, I don’t want to leave my husband. He really is my best friend and I really don’t think I could ever find another person who gets me on the level that he does, and we’ve only been married for 4 years. We just get each other! I have thoughts of other women constantly, but never when it’s just the two of us having a drink and enjoying each other’s company.

    When it comes to sex, I think about other women, even during sex with my husband, and that leads to an unfulfilled sex lite. Intimately, i think of other women as well. Pretty much all the time, in every way actually. And I have this intense longing.

    It is so consuming that I have set up an account on a dating profile and am so close to trying to meet another woman online. I am not at the point where I just want to meet and hook up with a woman, but I’d like to be in the company of a woman who likes other women and with whom I could have tender moments.

    I guess I’m just asking for opinions. I’m at the point of rationalizing this internally and somehow I’ve convinced myself that so long as I am super careful and ensure that my husband doesn’t find out, but also that I’m sure to make sure that any woman I do spend time with is fully aware of my situation and my commitments at home, then it’s okay. My dating profile does list me as married and not
    Interested in a long term relationship. I want to be careful of the feelings of those who I might involve and I plan to be. But is it still selfish?

    My feelings won’t change and I know my husband’s about an open relationship won’t change either. It almost feels like I’m being kept hostage, and I’m beginning to resent that. I’m sure it sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it, but that’s kind of how cakes word! I don’t want to be on a diet my whole life! I’d like a piece of cake every now and then and so long as no one gets hurt, is it really that bad?

    I reject arguments about everything coming out eventually.
     
  2. Elle993

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    Have you two considered couples counseling to explore how to potentially redefine your marriage? I feel similar in that incane to accept that I am a lesbian later in life and already married to a guy. I think about women constantly and now it’s to the point where I can’t even be intimate with my husband. I have a desire to meet others but I do not want to cheat either. What about going to meetings at a local lgbqt+ center to meet like minded people? Would he be comfortable with you branching out to make new friends but not with the motivation for physical intimacy.
     
  3. OGS

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    I don't know how to say this without being harsh. If you decide to lie to him and to not be faithful to him you are leaving him--you're just continuing to use him in other ways. If you really can't be there for him than you need to leave him. Period. Let him find someone who can. In my book you can stay with him or you can leave him, but this leaving him and not even telling him is just a horrible thing to do to anyone you care about.
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    I don't think you should do it. I understand it's easy for us to say that when we aren't in your situation but I think it's the truth. If he isn't open to you experimenting then image how he will feel when he finds out you will have an affair. When he finds out it is likely to be the end of your marriage anyway just much messier. I think counselling is a good idea. If you are at the point where you feel it's something you have to do, to be with a woman then I suggest you lay all your cards on the table to him.
     
  5. Forlong

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    As much as you can be careful I wouldn’t risk it, plus the chances of catching a std then having to explain to your husband. Plus look at the news things can go seriously wrong, not just for you.
     
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  6. Jax12

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    You could always flip the script and ask yourself if you would be okay with your husband doing what you’re doing right now?
     
  7. Cherub786

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    I don't advise an extra marital affair. It will conclude in a lot more heartache than its worth
     
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  8. LostInDaydreams

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    I agree with those who have advised against an affair.

    What struck me was that you say you “just get” each other, but to me anyway, that seems a bit in conflict with wanting to have an affair behind his back and feeling the need to do so meet your own needs.
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Dec 7, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018
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  9. PatrickUK

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    If you have reached a point where you are seriously considering an affair, you've also reached a point where you need to speak to your husband about the future. I know that will be a difficult conversation, but you're hardly going down an easy road with thoughts of an affair. This isn't about choosing the least worst option, because there is no least worst option here, I'm afraid. Affairs are complicated, messy and damaging and when the details leak out (as they nearly always do) it can be utterly devastating.

    You describe your husband as your best friend and I would urge you to bring that thought to the very front of your mind. If you have an honest conversation with him now and work towards a healthy and amicable separation, there is a good chance of maintaining an enduring friendship once the initial hurt and pain subsides, but if you go against his wishes and have an affair there will be almost no chance of salvaging anything, such will be the sense of betrayal.

    Think about it very carefully.
     
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  10. Yolanda

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    @PatrickUK that would
    That would hurt me more than anything.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    I think if you consider him your best friend you wouldn't want to go behind his back and hurt him like that. What exactly that means for you either staying as is, or separating only you can say.