So I'm married... I've mentioned to my husband that I don't want to be and he doesn't understand why and thinks that we could still make it work if only I was willing to try. When things are going well, I start to have positive feelings for him and start to question myself. I mostly question myself because to not be together would be to turn our lives and our kids lives upside down and things would be quite messy. So, to make such a change, I need to be sure I'm not mistaken. But then, no matter how "good" things feel, there is still an intimacy wall. I can't help but have these doubts resurface again and again. I thought I had figured things out, but it can be hard to maintain confidence. Can anyone here relate? Are there any questions I should be asking myself or ways I should be thinking about things to make sure I'm right and not making a mistake?
I did in the beginning of my questioning and coming out so I can totally relate. With me I was also financially dependent and scared to be on my own which added fuel to the fire. There's no way any of us can tell you what you should do. It sounds though from reading your post that besides the questioning of your sexuality there is also just regular marital issues there as well. Once I finally accepted that I was 100% lesbian, I still had doubts for a little while because we have a daughter together and still at home. At times I felt selfish for wanting to throw a wrench in the plans we had, selfish for wanting to change everything just for what me to go out and find someone else. But then the more time I thought about it all, it really wasn't about that. It didn't matter if I never found a woman to be with, I knew I was lesbian and there was no way I could stay in the marriage. It wouldn't be fair to my husband to keep him on a string just because - especially when there was a chance he could find someone that truly loved him. As for our daughter, she deserved to have parents that were happy, and in the end kids are very resilient with change. I had to be true to who I am. It is a long and difficult path. I'll never understand why anyone ever could believe this is a choice. Yes we choose to live a life of extreme stress, doubts, insecurities, and all the chaos it brings into our lives. I wish you the best in your travels and know we are all here to listen and discuss when you need to.
Great post. Questions to ask yourself: Can I handle being alone, possibly for a long time? What part of my identity do I lose if I lose my family? Can I do what it takes to have a fair divorce that will provide two similar households for my children to be raised in? Am I willing to make their loss of family identity during childhood development a top priority for years to come? What is my happy place? Work to picture it and solidify who is there (even if just in concept), what is there, where it is, and who you believe you are in this ideal. Being sure of something in life is a fool's errand. Thinking things through and making an informed decision is wise. Know thyself. Accept. Take action. Sometimes no action can become a conscious action. Sometimes life requires more than that, no matter how daunting the struggle. Life is always more complicated than we can imagine. Steps are often not as hard as we fear. Best of luck to you sorting this out. There is no perfect answer for your situation. You are unique. Your family is unlike any story ever told. Other people may serve you well as a guide, but I recommend you consult with yourself in a deeply private way, and do so often, so it's not heavily influenced by outside stimuli that are out of your control, such as temporary circumstances like money, hormones and the weather.
@Fuzzy I struggle with the same thoughts and weigh many of the same options. If I left, my husband would not understand, he would think I'm throwing away a perfect marriage. Most of the time I'm just complacent with this life. We're used to each other, we have a routine, we're dependent on each other for many things. I know he'd never leave or cheat, so our future seems so predictable and there's comfort in that. But I'm realizing those aren't good reasons to stay together. And I cry a lot and feel alone, and I know that isn't healthy for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm pushing him away but like you said, there is an intimacy wall, both physical and emotional. I've been more distant with him lately, because whenever I want to share something, I can't bear to have him not understand so I don't talk to him. It's like the worst kind of rejection, for someone who's supposed to be your soulmate not wanting or knowing how to listen. It hurts so much. Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations of support in relationships? If I was single, it would require me to be a bit braver in a lot of ways, but I think I'd be able to live more authentically even if I was alone for a long time without dating anyone. I used to think all you needed was a partner in life. Now I'm realizing having a good social group might be more important. And for various reasons, being with my husband has isolated me from the people I need most. Sorry for monopolizing your post a bit. @weary and @UMedusa make some excellent points. I guess I'm trying to think a lot about motivations. If I don't have someone to come home to, what will be my driving force? For me, it's my career, and thinking about how I can have a positive impact on my clients. Being single might force me to think about what I value and how to be more the person I want to be, if that makes sense. You also have your kids, who will always be a motivating force in your life I'm sure. I think most, if not all kids would appreciate having a parent who is true to who they are, whatever that may look like for each individual situation. My parents are both straight, but have other issues they buried for years, and as a kid I was always aware of the fact that they had kind of "given up" on many things and I resolved not to do that in my own life. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant now about a lifelong marriage in which I can't really be myself.
@Fuzzy I could have written this exact same post. No wisdom here as this is exactly what I am trying to navigate. It’s hard because just as you mention we have good times, we can get along and he works hard on trying to make the relationship work but I keep withdrawing because I do not feel the emotional connection and therefore cannot be intimate with him... I continue to feel attracted to women and feel that I am a lesbian but I have never been with a woman so it’s scary to think about turning my world upside down. I know he can’t continue in a relationship with no intimacy and I do not want that either but I just am not feeling it even when he tries donthe things I ask for in the other parts of our relationship. Does he know about your questioning of your orientation?
It is extremely difficult to stay in a straight marriage if your sexual orientation is otherwise. I was in a long term relationship with a woman when I came to terms with being gay. After that it was impossible to be happy staying with her. No fault of her’s just as I change I started to resent everything she said and did. At the very start I could fake intimacy but soon it became impossible. That was the signal that I needed out for both our sakes. She was angry and bitter, perfectly understandable but I needed to be authentic to who I had become. I am 100% happier in a gay relationship. For the first time in my life I feel all of my needs are met , I am happy, content, sexually satisfied and I enjoying meeting the emotional and sexual needs of my BF.
I was open with him from the beginning about my sexuality. Early on, I was realizing I wasn't straight and thinking that "bi" was the closest label for me. When I was leaning more lesbian, I let him know. He is not in the dark about it and never has been. As for any current momentary doubts, I don't talk openly about them.
I still doubt myself every day. I love my husband. I like being with him. We get along well and we’ve made a good life together, yet there’s always been something missing. It took falling head over heels with a woman to realize what it is. Still, I wonder if leaving him is the right path. There is so much fear sometimes and I start wondering why I can’t just go back to my old life. I try to convince myself I’m not actually gay. But then I think about kissing and making love with my girlfriend and how right it feels to be with her physically. I tried thinking about kissing my husband today and I can’t bear the thought of more years of pretending. There’s nothing sexual between us and there hasn’t been for years. With my woman I have this amazing physical and emotional connection. There’s no doubt there.
SoulSearch you hit the nail on the head “ spending more years pretending” is exactly right. That’s precisely how I felt once I embraced my homosexuality. I could pretend to be interested in my then girlfriend for a short while but then the reality dawned on me that I could no longer pretend and finally not physically capable of doing so. The only sane path was to breakup and for me to come out to be with my BF. We have been together for almost 2 glorious years and I have never been happier. I think we need to be authentic or we close down emotionally and sexually and that is just wrong. Life is too short for you and all of us not to be happy.
I need to hear this... I am at the place where I can’t pretend in order to be intimate anymore. I withdrew from sex a few months ago as we “work on our relationship” but now that we stopped being intimate I can’t inagine starting that again... I have come to the conclusion that I am a lesbian after a lot of soal searching but not from an actual relationship with a woman so I feel like I’ll be taking a big chance leaving the relationship but I know being with someone I can’t share my intimate interests with is not healthy.
How does he want you to try and make the relationship work? Does he think you are more bi and not a lesbian so then there is a chance to be with him? Or would there be options for redefining your relationship such as an open marriage where you co-parent together but have separate intimate relationships?
Elle993 you are taking those first important steps on the path towards becoming the authentic you. Sure it’s not easy to start to shed those heteronormative values we have been imprinted with but it is necessary. As you say your a lesbian then you owe it to yourself to live as a happy open lesbian. Once your free of your current relationship you will find the woman who will help you explore your homosexuality and embrace the essence of the gay you. Good luck.
Once I realized this there was no going back. I had to be honest with myself and my husband. For me, if I never have another relationship it's okay because it is so much better than pretending. My husband even after being told the truth, even after legal separating, after being asked to move out, still hoped and thought I could just go back in the closet and pretend to enjoy sex with him like none of this ever happened. I just can't and won't do that.
Weary good for you. With the limited years we have on this planet it is our obligation to live them as honestly and openly as possible in order to achieve the happiness we all desire. My hope for you is that you do find that relationship with another woman that will allow you to be truly happy.
Thank you for sharing. I need to hear this as I am getting the courage to talk to him. We go to couples couseling this week For the first time in a long time and I’m not sure what direction it will go in... just trying to stay honest the whole time
@Elle993 With the counseling, make sure you have an LGBTQ friendly counselor and one that is unbiased. The first one we went to was paid for by my husband and his insurance, the counselor basically said he wasn't there for me just my husband so even though I told him outright I was lesbian and wanted to separate, he pushed for my husband's agenda of a m-om. I tried but it only prolonged the inevitable and just caused us both more confusion and pain for another year and half before we finally separated.
Right now during the holidays with so much family time, everyday I doubt myself. It’s very exhausting, I wish it wasn’t so hard sometimes.
Well, I think he doesn't fully believe that I'm lesbian and I think he also thinks that sex "isn't that important," so therefore, we can look past sex and sexuality.
I went thru all those emotions before I finally got divorced. It's extremely hard to know what the right decision is when you're in the middle of a situation with no clear cut answer. For me, I felt the most guilt over my kids, the most panic about my finances, and the most shame in having to admit that my marriage is a failure. Before the separation, I'd go thru these phases where I'd scan the internet looking for stories, blogs, forum posts, articles, anything to try to help me understand my feelings. Am I a lesbian or bi? Demi or asexual? Straight and with the wrong man? Or maybe just incapable of feeling that smushy gushy storybook love for anyone? Can I maintain my marriage to a man and still be happy? Would I be able to be happy with a woman? How important is it to be happy? How selfish am I for wanting to know what it feels like to be truly in love? The worst part was knowing that none of those questions could be answered without turning my entire family's life upside down and that made me feel so sick inside. Luck for me, turned out my ex-husband jacked his testosterone with a crazy diet and entirely too much crossfit, became an angry, sex-obsessed, and moderately abusive person. Sounds terrible I know, but it's what finally ended our marriage. Not going to lie... divorce sucks. It's sad and really really hard. But I'm so much happier now! Life is definitely not perfect, but at least I don't feel backed into a corner anymore. Not to mention, my bathroom stays so much cleaner!
I went through all of these questions over and over. Horrendous struggle within myself. I think when you see yourself you cannot unsee it. Before I saw and understood myself I was unaware that I had repressed my sexuality. Being unaware was ok and manageable. But being aware - and closeted - would drive me crazy. I have a lot of obstacles in my path now. Mainly financial and career. But I feel I have no choice but to move forwards and hope that I can carve out a single future little by little. It is utterly terrifying, so I take it just one day at a time as that is all I can cope with.
