My Existential Crisis

I know I'm pansexual, if that counts as close enough to bisexual. I have loved men and women, I have been with (sexually) at least three genders (trans* of a couple of identities), women and men.
While not exactly to the point, my existential crisis is to do with my gender identity, and the way my sexuality is expressed in that headspace.

 

Well, you can rule out HOCD because it doesn't exist as a stand alone disorder. We don't narrow down OCD's in that way and it's more than likely that the circling thoughts are part of a normal trend of self examination that most of us go through during the coming out process. It is difficult and it can be troubling, but we shouldn't elevate the issue to the level of an OCD.

Having ruled out HOCD you can focus more on your attractions to the same sex. How strong are the feelings? How often do they arise? What causes them to arise? Do you (or do you want to) act on the feelings? What are the factors that may be preventing you from exploring same sex attraction? If you look more closely at questions like these and begin the process of mapping them carefully, rather than bouncing around with them, it may lead you to a conclusion other than existential crisis.

 

That's a very helpful way to look at things!

 

I had to look up HOCD cuz I'd never heard of it and I am truly confused. It sounds like it's unwanted thoughts that make you think you are homosexual. The website I was reading insisted that "you're still heterosexual, you are just having intrusive thoughts" wouldn't that mean you may actually be homosexual? I don't understand why it's being treated as a clinical disorder or that the thoughts aren't expressive of a person's true orientation, but rather an unwanted presence. Could anyone help me get a better understanding? I''m asking genuinely by the way, with no intention to antagonize!

 

I have OCD that is primarily manifested by having to "check" things like door locks repeatedly because I get a feeling of anxiety after I lock a door that makes me feel like it "might" not have locked sufficiently. You can't think of OCD in terms of rationality because even when you are in the throes of it you can tell yourself "this makes no sense" but the feeling still intrudes. So if people report intrusive anxiety, again in the form of irrational "feelings," that they may be homosexual despite a lack of desire or interest in others of the same sex, then I think OCD around the topic of sexuality may be at play. The owners of this site are anti HOCD because, as I see it, they think every thought the concerns same-sex attraction must necessarily be characterized as the "real" self breaking through. Even so, I think that as in most thinks dealing with human psychology there are views to the contrary, of which I am no advocate. I just don't like the dogmatic way some topics are slammed shut on this board.

 

@justaguyinsf thank you for taking the time to explain!

 

Yes. Though I am pretty certain what I am at this point. And it's not straight. But yes, I did/am still working with this.

 

I feel this way too. You're not alone.

 

I've mostly found the admins to be against the classification of HOCD as a standalone disorder, because it simply isn't, even though many people will claim it is either to deny their own feelings (ie calling their thoughts HOCD, even though they do not have OCD, to deny the reality of these thoughts actually meaning something) or to use it in a homophobic way ('you're not really gay, that's just the HOCD talking'). I feel like there's a lot of misunderstandings going on between the two sides of the argument, but I definitely do not think anyone on this website is claiming that there is no single person with OCD who has ever had intrusive thoughts regarding their sexuality. Just my two cents.

Anyway, that aside... I go in and out of identity crises all the time these days, always related to my sexuality and the consequences of it, and it's getting in the way of my life big time right now. i'm just waiting for an appointment with a therapist to free up at this point so I can at least talk this through face-to-face with someone... not sure what else to do about it anymore tbh. I've tried all the tricks in the book I can think of other than ones I know I would regret and potentially traumatise myself with.

 

I am pretty certain I'm lesbian now, the back and forth of doubt has stopped thankfully. I may idly day-dream of wishing I was able to be straight sometimes, and lamenting over how I am not and how this makes things complicated in this society.
I'm in a crisis in the sense that I can't seem to find a way to express this part of me offline. I don't know many lgbt people and those I know are not people who I am friends with, they're strangers more or less. I'm in a position where I am looking for a job and I'm afraid getting involved in the scene might have a negative impact on all my social life. I've been an outcast before when I was new at schools, I am not very eager to have to go through similar things that might have bigger consequences. At least I'm honest with myself and no longer date guys out of pressure.
I would really really want to be able to start the 'gay life'. I feel like I'm missing out.

 

No, not an existential crisis, but still dealing with emotional dysregulation.

 

story of my life. i am with you 100%