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Feeling worse after coming out

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by NoPlaceLikeHomo, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. NoPlaceLikeHomo

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    Ok, so I haven't logged onto this site in ages, but idk man. This has been nagging me and this is a pretty good place to just spew feelings and get some pretty helpful stuff back.

    In June 2017, so quite a bit ago, my mom decided to look through both my phone and my computer because she "didn't trust me". I immediately panicked because I'd been secretly dating a girl at my school for a few months and I knew if she looked at our texts she'd find out. I've heard both of my parents say pretty homophobic stuff, so I was terrified of how they'd react. I decided to call them and tell them that I was gay during school that day, since I wanted to be in control of how they found out. After that whole fiasco I went home and had a conversation with them, and it objectively went pretty okay. Neither of them actually did the whole "we love you and accept you no matter what" thing, but that's not really my dad's style, and my mom was evidently very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, that message was made pretty clear.

    When I hear about other people's experiences coming out, they describe it as a big weight off their shoulders, whether they had a good or bad experience. I don't feel that at all. If anything it's worse now. I constantly have to be careful about what I'm saying and I don't feel like I can be myself around them now more than ever. The tension between me and my parents is gradually building and I'm just sitting here bracing myself for the moment something snaps.

    Being outed before I was ready obviously wasn't ideal, but as coming out experiences go mine wasn't really all that bad. I don't know why I feel sick every time I remember it or why I'm still so scared of what they're going to say if I accidentally slip up. Is it because they acted weird about it? Did something similar happen to anyone else?
     
  2. Love4Ever

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    I am not out to anyone but my mom, who I told through text, and my sister, who I told in person. The reaction was pretty much a no reaction. My mom said she loved me and wasn't totally shocked, my sister was cool with it and my dad doesn't know because I don't want him to make a big deal out of it and I know he will. I do relate to feeling uncomfortable though. I haven't talked about my sexuality to my mom in over a month since I told her. I remember when she noticed something I posted on social media I felt like I was going to pass out or be sick I was so stressed. It just hits you hard even when people are kind or nonchalant. Society breeds fear in us.
     
  3. Devil Dave

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    When you say your mother went through your phone and computer because she "didn't trust you", what exactly do you mean?

    Did she suspect your were gay? Or did she suspect you were doing something more sinister, like drugs or stealing or something?

    It's fine that you're not a touchy-feely family like some of these stories we see on the internet. My parents didn't make that big a deal about my coming out, and I didn't want them to, because it was still my private life, and I felt uncomfortable letting them know that I fancy men, so I kept it brief, and to this day I still don't share a lot of detail about my dating and sex life. They are the people who changed my nappies and looked after me when I got sick as a child, so I don't want them to know what I get up to with other gay men. All they really needed to know was that I would never be bringing girlfriends home like my brother did.

    So maybe the reason you feel worse now is that you've had to give up a part of your privacy to put your parents' minds at ease, so they don't have to suspect anything any more. And maybe they also feel guilty about unintentionally pressing you to come out when you weren't ready. You also said they've said some pretty homophobic things in the past, and so they've probably had to change their stance on homosexuality issues, which can be a difficult adjustment.

    These are just some possibilities I'm thinking of, not a definite answer.
    But coming out isn't a perfect experience for everyone.
     
  4. Mihael

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    Me too, although objectively it went okay. Coming out was one of the most stressful moments in my life.

    That kind of suspicions don't help at all, they make us feel guilty of something that there is no guilt to talk about in. It's so awful that people don't take it into consideration that someone might be gay or trans. I mean, this is why we need to come out, right? Because nobody asks. Fortunately, it is slowly changing. Maybe this is where this whole fear of gays comes from? People equate "something being off about someone" with "they are a criminal" right away. It's awful and completely unhelpful in the already uncomfortable situation we are faced with.

    Okay. I have an idea. It's best to just unpack this fear, face it. So how exactly would you slip? What would you consider to be a slip?
     
  5. Rade

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    It's not always happy ever after, as an older guy I live with guilt, hurting my kids with the marriage break down, having to be responsible for everything on my own and dealing with the emotional stuff, still coming out to people I don't see very often......
    But I have piece in my heart..
    To the OP, you were outed before you were ready and that's really difficult to handle, no wonder your finding it hard.....time is needed to adjust. I haven't read all the posts but perhaps a counselor or therapist might be a good idea
    Warm regards Rade...
     
  6. Silveroot

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    You are not the only one who felt that way after coming out. My first coming out as I realized I liked women was as bisexual and I came out to my god-mother, a few other people who I haven't kept in touch with and then my mother. It went well bad, but I've heard of much worse stories. I had never seen my mother being so emotional, angry and all over the place before.

    She was talking with my god-mother on the phone about me in hushed suspicious tones, I could hear both their disbelief, hostility and fear and they wouldn't listen to me really. They interrogated me if I'm a lesbian and practically emotionally blackmailed me to not go to Pride or associate with gay people. I wasn't kicked out or beaten up, but the tension was palpable and overwhelming for me. Since I believed I was bisexual, I tried dating men some more. I was basically shoved back into the closet. My mother didn't want to talk about it and every time I tried to defend myself and explain how I felt we ended up having long, draining arguments.

    Until this year I realized that I'm actually gay. I came out once more, without planning to do so, it just came out during conversation. My mother occasionally goes in and out of denial and has certain times where she rants about me spending time over here -she knows what this site is about- but overall she's a lot more chill and mellow about it.

    I sincerely wish you the best outcome. This is a support forum, so you can talk to us here.
     
  7. NoPlaceLikeHomo

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    This is exactly how I'm feeling. It's good to know that someone else went through something similar.
     
  8. NoPlaceLikeHomo

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    She didn't elaborate much, but I highly doubt she suspected anything like that. I think she had a hunch that I was gay, but I don't think that's what she was looking for. I know she disapproves of me talking to anyone online really, so I suspect she was looking for forums like this one. It's kind of ironic.
     
  9. NoPlaceLikeHomo

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    I guess it's worth noting that I've been out to my friends at school for quite some time now, and they and my girlfriend have been my main supports. I should probably also mention that I have never come out to anybody naturally or on my own terms; I've always either been asked directly or it's been forced out of me by an uncomfortable situation. I have never had a negative reaction, and coming out to my parents was the only one that was pretty neutral. I guess it's just a matter of both me and my parents getting used to the change.
     
  10. Devil Dave

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    That's understandable. It's much easier for youngsters to get online these days than it was when I was in my teens, and there are all kinds of risks they can be exposing themselves to, such as cyber bullying and all sorts, so I don't blame parents for wanting to police their children's online activity.

    This website is quite safe, though, as the admins keep a close watch on what gets posted. And you've also said that you receive a lot of support from your GF and classmates, who are people you know in real life, so that means you are spending a healthy amount of time interacting with people offline instead of total strangers online. That should put your parents' minds at ease.

    I'm sure you'll eventually stop being bothered by these negative feelings towards your coming out experience.

    I don't want to use the "it gets better" speech because I've known several people on this forum who are sick of hearing it. I think of coming out to parents as a healing process, and for some it takes longer than others. My mother cried when I first told her I was gay (it wasn't happy tears, she was upset at the time) and I have to live with that memory for the rest of my life. We are all fine now, and my parents are very supportive of homosexuals. But that memory is always going to be there, and its just something I have to live with. Memories that are sad or uncomfortable and unpleasant just become part of us and we carry on and we become stronger people for it.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    Although most people experience a 'lift' when they come out, it's not universally true. If the coming out is messy and not fully on our terms, it can leave us with us with some residual stress and a sense of dissatisfaction. If there is hostility when we tell people it can certainly leave us feeling depressed - at least, in the short term.

    Your coming out was precipitated by your mothers decision to look through your phone and computer and to that extent it was very much beyond your control. Although you made the decision to face the issue immediately to try to retain some level of control, it really wasn't how you would have liked it and I'm sure it wasn't in your mind to tell her that particular day. One of the main reasons for coming out is to feel more empowered and if you look at the way everything happened in your case, it really wasn't empowering at all, and that's not a great place to be in. Nobody wants to feel as though power is taken away from them.

    Although this happened last June, it really isn't a long time ago. It might feel like a long time ago at your age, but our perception of time changes throughout our lives, even though our emotional responses often don't.

    Since telling your mom have you done anything to try to embrace your sexuality - to explore what it means and make new connections? Coming out is about far more that telling all. In many ways that's only the start of the journey and we complete the process when we learn to live and love with all the freedom and openness that heterosexual people are able to enjoy. It doesn't sound like you are there yet, but you will be.
     
  12. InStandbi

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    I completely understand. But I'm sure you will come to appreciate that you came out, and I'm sure your parents are too. I'm sorry that your parents went through both your phone and your laptop; that's really invasive, actually. My parents are allowed to go through my phone as part of a contract they made when they got me my phone, but they never do. But I can understand that you didn't want to be completely outed by your phone and whatever. I hope everything fares well in the next few weeks for you!