I'm a married, 46 yo, newly separated, with a 19 yo son "gay" man. Been repressing my feelings(?) for a long time.Denying, really. Came home, one day, to my wife waiting for me to tell me we're thru. Truth is we haven't been "man & wife" for a few years. We're not enemies by any means. Still even tell each other," Love you.". I'm pretty sure she already has a good idea about me. (Maybe, i don't know.) Past few months have been hard. Getting use to not having her around. (As much.) We still do family events (Holidays) together. Been together for 20+ years. Now, i'm starting to come to grips about who i really am. Guess it's this new freedom(?). For the first time i said, "I'm gay." out loud and to an empty room, but it felt both good and shameful. Not because i'm gay, but because i didn't have the strength/courage to even tell myself for so long. I've been steeling myself to come out to my family. Figured after the holidays. Seemed cliche to do it at Christmas dinner. But what about my wife? Even though we're over, as man and wife, i love her and don't want to hurt her. Will she feel embarrassed? Will she condemn me for wasting so much of her life? Will she hate me? I guess that's what everyone, in my situation, faces. Maybe, i'm just finding excuses to prolong it. I know my son can handle it. I'm not too worried about him. But both my wife and I are, pretty sure, he is gay. He hasn't come out, but we are close to our son. And that's what, also, worries me. What kind of role model am i if i couldn't be true to myself until my 40's? I'm not an emotional guy. But I've cried more these past few months then i can ever remember. Normally, a guy would have a close friend to confide in, but besides my wife the only other "friend" I've ever had past away years ago. I'm a bit of an introvert and meeting people has always been a real challenge. I don't know. I'm trying to make positive changes in my life. Been working out, losing some weight. (35lbs so far, yay.) Been looking for any LGBT groups/events. Maybe suck it up and get out there. (Hard to do if still closeted. i know.) I guess i just need to work out all the emotions that are roaring in me. It's like i'm stuck in this raging storm but everything, around me, is silent. (Sound corny, but best way i can put it.) Getting this all out, even in a post actually helps clear out my thoughts. I hope, everyone in their own situation finds the strength and peace to do what they feel is best. (Best for them.) I hope i will. I definitely don't want to go another 46 years. Peace all.
Wow, love your post, I'm 43 not straight and left home a few weeks ago....it's very hard and challenging, so partly know how you feel....I also screamed out I'm gay walking down a busy road, it felt good....it sounds like your ready to come out. My ex guessed I was bisexual even before I could accept it myself..... Join local LGBT groups, I have and made a few friends...... Nothing's easy but keep moving forward Hugs Rade/Jon xxx
Hi Lone Wolfe....it's Rade/Jon...what a good idea, they can support each other....... To the OP....if your son is also gay you could give each other emotional support and this could be very empowering....you could discover the LGBT world together.....some thing i find hard going along alone, though it gets easier with time.
Thanks Rade/Lone Wolfe. It never occurred to me to come out to my son first. I don't know. I know he wouldn't condemn me or anything like that. Whether he is or isn't gay himself, he would accept me. i know that. But, i'd be afraid how the news would affect him without having his other family members or friends to talk to, about it. The questions/answers he'd have with me would be different then those with them. When i do it I'd want to make sure i was ready for, at least, our family, especially his mother to know. I couldn't ask him to keep this to himself without having his support base to lean on. I'm also afraid of what it would do to him as far as "IF" he were to be gay. Would he feel it'd be too much for our family for him to come out too. It's not like we have a strict hetero-sexist family. But, coming out is still an unknown and scary challenge(?). And he's the kind of guy that would worry about how it would affect others before himself. Plus my wife and i could be wrong. He's never shown interest in anyone, that we know of, but we'd be the last to know. It's definitely something i need to consider. i see the pros and cons to this. I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I'm glad i found this site. It helps out, A LOT.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like one fearful dude. Things never end up as bad as we can imagine them. You are imagining a perfect storm. I'd almost bet you'd be surprised and relieved after you came out to your son, and how scary it was and how comfortable it ended up being. Son first, mom second - mom after Christmas.
Not taking it the wrong way. I am one fearful dude. And i do have a tendency to make things bigger then they are. Not gonna lie. And truth is I've been feeling more and more empowered(?) to be me. Will be moving to my own place next year. A bit "fearful" to be on my own but also excited to be. (A weird dichotomy.) Guess that's why this is all coming up. i'm coming to terms with being separated, but also feel like i don't need to hide. The more i go over it the better i feel. Maybe i'm expecting the worse because.......... I don't know why. I appreciate the honesty Lone Wolfe. Your suggestion is sound. Thanks!
I told my ex wife I'm not straight and continued to live with her for another six months. I moved out 3 weeks ago. I had to go as she got serious with another guy and it turned ugly. Though that relationship is already very Rocky as he can't get on with my daughter. Though I will NEVER go back....we were supposed to coparent and share the house for a couple more years. But she burned the bridge down so to speak. It will blow up and I'm moving forward. Glad your feeling more empowered, it's a word I've used alot this year....I have a temporary flat but I will be honest it's lonely but I'm learning to be happy, I put the TV or music on for company and I then feel ok..... I'm already thinking ahead again. I'm looking into part mortgage and part rent through local housing association. For the same price as my private rent I could get a 2 or 3 bed house for not much more money, I had to move so quick I did not have time to do this but now I'm planning ahead..... Even though money will be tight I am planning to take the kids to the mediteranian for a holiday by myself even though I am sight impaired but why let things stop me...went to Cyprus this year, just amazing.... You will get there, do you have savings? If so plan it as soon as yr ready to move.... Rade
I'm glad things are going better for you. It's good to hear. I have some savings. Xmas is tapping into it, somewhat. So, when i move out, in the spring, i should be good. (somewhat.) Gonna have to start from scratch, mostly, but i'm not too worried about that. There's been a few times i've thought about just telling her now, but then i get a cold chill and figured xmas would be more awkward then it already looks to be. I started thinking about when i tell my in-laws and that will be harder. They've known me since i was 18. I didn't have such a great relationship with my parents and they kinda stepped in. But i'm feeling more and more accepting(?) of what will be will be. Being in my mid 40's starting a new life seems daunting, but also makes me feel like i did when i was a kid. Experiencing new ideas and all that. I'll be honest this empowering feeling has it's ebb and flow, but hearing/reading the stories on here makes me feel a lot more confident. I hope the trip to the mediterrainen goes through. Jon
I literally hear my self in parts of your post. I'm in my 40s, I left the marital home with next to nothing, but it doesn't matter anymore. I haven't seen my ex in-laws since I left but 20 years was a long time in their lives. They seemed to accept it but may have changed their minds now I've gone. Money has been the toughest part, paying for everything on my own and Christmas too..... You said starting a new life is daunting and I used that word alot on the forum . I've been moved a month and I feel a bit more settled now. We will all support you. When your ready, you will do this. I am having counselling which I advise to you if that's possible. It really has helped me. I just feel some freedom now. I just need to find someone special. Do you have children? I have three, see them regularly and we get on as before, they gave coped really well. Warm regards Jon X
I have a son. He's in college now and we are very close. Right now i live at home, with him. Come spring i'll be moving out and the wife will move back in. Money wise it makes sense. Hoping once i move and have a better idea of my financial situation i can start. I'm looking forward to the move. think it'll be really good for me. As of now, the holidays and work are taking up so much time i haven't had a second to really think. (Dwell?.......i don't know.) The loneliness aspect gets to me, at times, but all in all i feel things are going the way they should. It's a big change, but feels like life is kicking my butt to do what i should've done a long time ago. (I can be slow.) As for finding someone special.......? ATM life will need to handle that, too. I don't feel i can take an active role in that for awhile. Although, having someone to talk to would be nice(?). a relief?....comforting! But, hey, one thing at a time.
Hello It sounds like you have a plan for the future, which is good.....your also taking your time. Have you thought about a counsellor or therapist? It can be really useful as I've found.... It can be lonely, I joined LGBT local groups. I then joined a dating app. I have talked with a few guys, not met any yet, but it helps me understand the gay community and feel part of it. Jon
You have the right attitude here, so even if things don't feel right, you are facing the right direction. I think finding that "special one" comes from having more than one friend. Some kind of social activity you can participate in? Having more than one gay friend can be hard to achieve. Groups are best, and any special ones will sort themselves out.
