I've spent years researching psychology online because I'm fucked up and need all the help and information I can get. The general impression I'm getting from all that research is that if you're bullied or neglected in childhood that permanently rewires your brain which affects your behavior which in turn causes the random people you interact with throughout life to ultimately end up treating you the same way you were treated in childhood. So is it all just pointless if you're fucked up? Do you just stay fucked up and alone forever once your brain stops developing and society has assigned you the role of worthless piece of shit? Mistreatment in childhood = low confidence = perceived low social status = disregard = more mistreatment Or is it all about looks, is that what determines how much love/consideration/respect you are eligible to receive? Is there a threshold of good looks which nullifies all of the crap a person could go through in childhood that I fall short of?
I don't know what to do any more when I'm half asleep in the middle of the night and impulsively reach out to hug someone, and there's no one there. It's just me in an empty bed. I'm 27 and it's always been that way. I don't really see the point in surviving just for the sake of surviving while I prop up some mega-corporation in my dead end job with no compensation in the form of human intimacy or friendship. I'm tired of just existing.
Kind of yea. It's pretty messed up but how you look is a huge part of how society treats you. Since you like psychology, it's called the halo effect. Even slightly good looking people automatically get paid more, are considered nicer, more trustworthy, more desirable as friends, are assumed to be innocent of things they get accused of etc. based purely on looks no matter how bad their personality is. The easy option is to get one of those large body pillows and keep it next to you so you can hug it and pretend it's a person. The harder option is to hire a prostitute/escort a couple times a year so you can be with a person and have intimacy occasionally to keep you from feeling too bad while you look for an actual relationship.
The body pillow idea is really tragic and just too cringe inducing for me. Even in a half conscious state I'm still aware enough to know that's not a real person with feelings. The escort idea while possibly not a bad idea for some people wouldn't work for me either. I'm too good at picking up on the sincerity of other peoples emotions. I would be hyper aware of everything in that person including all the micro-expressions of negative emotion. While I'm alone I know I'm alone and I just have to accept it.
Well, there's a small shred of truth to what you said above, but overall, it's a misperception. Childhood trauma, neglect, and mistreatment all impact how neural pathways develop. Depending on the specific situation, pathways associated with anxiety may overdevelop, while ones associated with connection, calming, self-soothing, etc. may not develop or may be severely deficient. 90% of brain development happens after birth, up to about age 3, so that's the most crucial time for neural pathway development. It is the deficiency in these pathways that is a strong predictor for addiction, delinquency, criminal behavior, and various physical illnesses. BUT... Up untiil a few years ago, we thought that brain development stopped in adolescence. We now know that isn't true. Neuroplasticity is what we are talking about, which is the brain's ability to repattern and develop new pathways, and that capacity exists throughout the lifespan, though it is easiest and fastest up to mid-to-later 20s. So you develop the underdeveloped pathways and calm down the overdeveloped ones by, in a way, recreating what you didn't have in your childhood. This forms the basis of the latest cutting-edge addiction treatment, focusing on the repatterning of neural pathways. And it is the same for non-addiction related mental health issues. Repattering happens through connection. This can be with a therapist, with trusted, nonjudgmental friends, with peer support groups, group therapy. Activities such as yoga, meditation, and mindfulness also foster neural pathway development. And activities that stimulate complex new brain activity and learning, such as learning to play a musical instrument, or taking up a skill that requires both mental and motor ability, basically cross-pollinate the process and enhance neural pathway development. Of course, as you point out, in addition to the neurobiology piece, there's also the psychological piece. Interestingly, the same things that repattern brain pathways also helps to build worthiness and self-compassion, helping to solve the social anxiety and awkwardness issues. Destin is correct that halo effect is real, but it would be very wrong to say that people who aren't in the 5% of super-attractive can't be happy and fulfilled (especially since that's 95% of the population.) And meaningful relationships aren't built on attractiveness anyway... if they are, then they are pretty shallow. Also, I would *not* recommend escorts under any circumstances. You can learn to have powerful sexual experiences by yourself, and get (non-sexual) massage to fulfill the need for touch. Escorts tend to further erode self-esteem, because it is near impossible, psychologically, to pay for someone to 'love' you and not have it effect your sense of worthiness.
The relationship can be circular but the circle can be broken. It's not easy. It takes work. Therapists try to work with clients on their stopping the playing of the tape. I used to think the same thing about looks. It's only a small part. Look at how many very good looking people have the exact same problems. Some famous and beautiful people we know and read about aren't the happiest. The grass is always greener. Therapy can help. I've made some strides forward. I encourage people who are struggling with a tough past to consider it. Then, it's not easy to find the right therapist. That takes some work as well. Right now, I am pleased with my therapist. It's not a perfect match because I can tell that we don't see various critical things the same way, but then it never is.
I'm going to assume I've missed that window of opportunity since I'm 30 in 2 years. Yeah, Destin really missed the mark with that one. I have no plans formulated in my mind to visit an escort of any description. And I'm fully aware that I can have "powerful sexual experiences" by myself. My original post really had nothing to do with carnal pleasure. It was more about the deep emotional bonds you can only really get through romantic encounters or very strong friendships.
I am so sorry you're suffering. Truly. I understand what it is to be lonely. I hope that you find some peace/happiness. I really would try to spend less time alone if you can. It is so easy to feel depressed and alone with no one around. I am always available to talk if you need to. Please don't hesitate to post on my wall.
No, not at all. There isn't a brick wall one hits at 25; I have worked with people in their 50s and seen enormous change. Neural plasticity is life-long, it just takes a bit longer to see the results once you get into your 30s and beyond. So don't let that discourage you in any way.
Yeah but realistically speaking if you're an adult who's grown up in a neglectful/dysfunctional environment, society doesn't care. You don't get special concessions (time and resources) with which to fix your brokenness. Society expects you (as an adult) to "pull your weight" as much as the next person. And if you can't keep your head above water then tough luck buttercup.
I didn't have loving parents growing up. My mom had borderline personality disorder that was not diagnosed until 6 years ago and the guy she married was not capable of showing love, he did it through gifts when he screwed up. There was a lot of physical abuse as well. I was also raped by a male friend before my teen years and was used by him for a couple years, I grew to like the sex part very much. I was bullied too and would take it for a while until I just couldn't take any more. I exploded when my limit for abuse was passed and when I exploded it was bad. Got expelled in grade school for putting the school bully in the hospital for 3 weeks, he's a cop now and crosses the street if I am in that town and sees me, he is known as a bad ass and has hurt people but he is scared to death of me. I put up with him for 2 years until I popped when he was beating me up. I put up with the beatings at home until about 16 when I messed up dear old step dad, took his shit for 8 years and he was shocked when I went off. He never laid another hand on me or even yelled at me. I was told I was useless, no good, bad, stupid and so on. Turns out I was not stupid I was just at a much higher level and was bored. I was told by damn near everyone I would never amount to anything but I proved them wrong in all aspects of life except for relationships. I have been told that I fit in a group of less than 1% of the world fits into. In relationships I can be happy with just about anyone and I fall in love very easily, so easily that I don't even want to date as it seems women all have this time frame they have to go through and if you say it first or too early it is over. The last woman I connected with laughed at me when I told her I was falling in love with her at two months, it was over by 4 months. I just screwed her for two months and stopped answering the phone. I have absolutely been in love with several women but it didn't work out. The older I get the more I close myself off as I am tired of putting myself out there and getting the door slammed in my face. I really don't think I have felt true love more than once and desire it but it just does not materialize for me. I have been told I treat people too well and care too much. I have had very few friends in life. Most of them have taken advantage and disappointed me. I only have a couple people left that I talk to and I am cutting them off soon. Every friendship I have is one way which is me keeping it alive, that ends next month. I can go for years and not hear from people unless I make the call. I call myself the forgotten one. I find the farther away I get from people and the less people in my life the happier I get. I own companies and have no interaction other than with managers with anyone who works for me. I used to envy people with a lot of friends but now and think how can they deal with all of them. I would say there is some truth to the original post as I seem to attract people with more problems than myself and I end up listening to them and trying to help them. It usually turns into them treating me like shit and I blow them off. I sometimes wonder I am the one who is fucked up or are the rest of them the fucked up ones and I am normal. It's like I have a I'll help you and let you walk over me sign on my forehead. As for looks which is something I don't have any of there was a time when I got hired over good looking people with big degrees because people knew I could run circles around their pretty little asses. Being self employed I still get the work because I get it done, don't make mistakes even though I show up to meetings in flip flops and Bermuda shorts and don't care I still get the contracts. I believe looks are a big part of why I dated so many women one time and very few, usually they were not good looking either, were up for a second date or more. Pretty people have it so good in life and fuck them for getting it so easy. The recurring theme with women was I would take one like myself that nobody wanted and give them confidence and they leave me for someone better. These days I am only looking for a hookup to get laid. I am lonely, it used to bother me but I am used to it. The thing i have learned is how to manage being alone and use people for my needs when I have them. Other than that I am content to be alone and am alone 90% of the time. The older I get the more used to being alone I get. If I am horny I go to the bath house as most of the guys there just want to get laid and that's fine with me, hell I don't even want to know them just screw me or I do you and I go home, same way when I am desiring a woman but this urge is quickly diminishing from me. I truly believe there are people who just don't fit into society. I believe I am one of them. I tried the counseling route and that just lightened my wallet by a lot and all of them saying maybe you just don't fit. They all say they see nothing wrong with me and are impressed with what I have achieved as most people like me can't function. I have been the outsider looking in my whole life, now I sit on the outside looking at all the people on the inside trying to make things work perfectly. I am content where I am, I have very little stress from others and the more people I push away the happier I am. I mostly think about myself and do what makes me happy.
I know this is an old post, but it still seems active so... -> ...because I'm fucked up and need all the help and information I can get. That's the first step to fixing your problems. -> ... if you're bullied or neglected in childhood that permanently rewires your brain which affects your behavior It can't be permanent, cause it wasn't in my case. I had a miserable childhood, first attempted suicide at age 6. Obviously that had nothing to do with my sexuality. I'd say I was pretty messed up. I got lots of therapy, for many years, some overlapping with the time I did develop a sense of sexuality, so got help with that along with everything else. It made coming out easier. -> So is it all just pointless if you're fucked up? Do you just stay fucked up and alone forever No. Only if you like the way you are and don't want to change it. I learned that I can change anything about me I don't like. I can even change the changes, if I later decide I don't like those either. You are entitled to change anything about yourself you don't like until you get things right, the way you want them, and like who you end up being. It's all on your plate to make yourself whatever you want yourself to be like. There's no reason to not want to like yourself. Fix what you don't like. -> once your brain stops developing I don't know the scientific part of this, but I don't believe your brain stops developing, certainly not the part that is your personality. -> and society has assigned you the role of worthless piece of shit? I'm not all that impressed with society either, so this might be mutual. Since when did society in general have the solution to anything? -> Mistreatment in childhood = low confidence = perceived low social status = disregard = more mistreatment All true - for me, this meant it was time for therapy. I hope you are at least not satisfied with poor results. -> Or is it all about looks, is that what determines how much love/consideration/respect you are eligible to receive? It seemed to me that every person who I thought was cute was also messed up in their head. You'd have to deal with their psycho drama to get close and it just wasn't worth it. Being attractive might bring on initial contact, but if you're an awful person to deal with, it won't last. Imagine a great person to deal/be with. Who cares what they look like as long as it's not Quasimodo. -> Is there a threshold of good looks which nullifies all of the crap a person could go through in childhood Not for me. I was pretty attractive as a teen, but I was gay, so that kept the girls away from me. I had a gay guy tell me that most gay guys would not even try to approach me because I was too cute. WTF? The all expected rejection from me, so never tried to approach me. I didn't see it that way, but that's what others thought. So both good looks or not, people are screwed up about approaching others. I'm more attracted to who the person is anyway. Get your head on straight, fix whatever things about you need fixing, get yourself to the point where you like yourself. The rest will then be able to take care of itself.
