This sucks. And it sucks even more that I have to start by saying that. Honestly have no idea why I'm here but I guess I just really needed somewhere where I can write unapologetically and maybe try to grab onto something to stay afloat while I'm at it. Coming to terms with my bisexuality was actually a surprisingly easy one. But I guess prior to this, the binoculars which I used to view the world was pretty fogged in a way that, I only saw the bits and parts of my potential journey that was going to be so tumblr-shared worthy, if you know what I mean. I carved out (if i were to ever even meet that one girl) of how my story was going to flow. How i would probably be able to stand against the numerous waves, however big or small, how I was actually so proud of myself that amidst a conservative society and a country that although on paper stands for progress, shuns in the face of it, that I stood by the freedom to love and that love precedes all. At the end of my story, that's where we come out tall and proud and that the fact we did, would drown out all the endless murmurs going on down below and around us. That's when the pin-pointing would finally stop and my point proven that - Love is love no matter who's in the equation. You have no idea, how loud that voice was in my head. And this was just at 16, before I even had the slightest clue I'll be meeting her 6 years later. My story was pretty romanticized back then I agree but the pride for who I am was real. Then over the years, with the LGBTQ community expanding in Singapore, it started conversations, conversations that stuck with people. And I took the opportunity to educate my mum here and there about who these people were, what their stories entail and that contrary to her beliefs, that no, they can't just choose who they turn out to be or no, it's not because of who they hang out with. And the 'whole blue belongs to boys' and 'pink belongs to girls' is at this point, not even worth discussing. In fact, I always wondered why was that even part of the discussion? How people came to realise they are who they are, is personally to me, none of anybody else's business. Maybe it's because I know, at least from where I am, when people asks that, it's like they're tryna find that one loophole to go "AHA, that's why letting him mix with too many girls was a wrong choice, it's bad you see, turns them gay, tsk." But surprisingly, my mum always seemed to have a pretty open mind towards these things. Tattoos - tick, studying abroad - tick, smoking (yeah, somewhat okay if you're going through that experimental phase and only under her watch) - tick, pursuing a degree other than a doctor/lawyer/accountant - tick, possibility if one day I might find a girlfriend? - "not gonna be my favourite but I'll definitely support you whatever it is" - so maybe half a tick? Of course, this was all still before I met her. But yeah, the support feels somewhat good and reassuring that my mum's gonna be that cool mum you know? That while all the other aunties and uncles are going to question, she's gonna be the 'So what's the 411 guys' mum. haha. And then I met her at 22. In january 2018. Met her through an online dating website. Gonna cut out on the non-existent lovey dovey details but what turned out to be just "oh you know, my friend just decided to create one for me" (haha, we all know that's not even half the truth) turned out to be pretty life-changing in the least dramatic way. And as 21st century as it sounds, swiping her left was the best decision. Maybe part of it was due to how she buttoned her polo shirt till the very top and it felt as if she were renewing her passport photo. Like one look and you know she probably wouldn't even understand what DTF stands for even if you offered haha. Long story short, probably the biggest nerd I've seen on any other dating platforms turns out to be the biggest jigsaw piece in my puzzle. How do I say this....home feels anywhere with her. I can be having the shittiest day and once skype is on, it instantly gets better. Or even if it doesn't, she'll just be there and let me throw the biggest tantrum ever till I got everything out of my system and gently ask "Now do you wanna talk baby?". We were discussing about movies to watch and places to go before we decided getting in a relationship and fast forward a few months later, i was just scrolling through her phone (with her permission of course), and in her notes there was a list named 'Places and movies for dates". And it was every movie/place i mentioned wanting to go. And it's not just the good stuff. Maybe it's because of the relationship we're in, I do get scared. I get scared of people looking, I get scared and wonder if the waiter's gonna refuse us service or if we're gonna get chased out from a store. There are days where I just need a little bit more convincing that this is going to work out eventually you feel? And maybe emotionally, between us, I'm so used to the fact that she's stronger and more windproof, that I tend to forget, she has days where she needs the hug instead. But even on those days, she always manages to dry my tears before she dries hers. Simply put, I have never come across someone who is selfless when it comes to prioritising my safety and happiness above theirs. "I don't know, it just really makes me happy when I see you happy" and she'll proceed to put more food in my mouth. Used to scoff at that line but yet everytime she says it, i feel it...right at the core of my heart. With such a full heart, I decided yeah, as reckless as it might be, I'll tell my mum! It's gonna take a few bumps here and there but she'll see right? Anything for my happiness no? I didn't know what to expect of my coming out, nothing grand to be honest, but for some reason, naively enough, rejection was never in the picture. And rejection was what I got. I don't know really what was more heartbreaking. The fact that she took the time out to hear all of those various stories I told her about the LGTBQ pride and values but completely dismissed mine? or the fact that she begged me to 'switch' back to dating guys because it totally works that way right? and what was probably one of the biggest core support in my entire life up till then, turned so cold. Turned so cold, that it drowned out that proud voice I had inside of me and made me question everything I believed in. And I got so scared I would lose her that I just said "Yeah I'll be normal again". And it didn't help, it didn't help that despite seeing that I was so shattered and probably huddled into what was..I don't even know how to describe myself back then, she finally smiled and said "Okay, that's my girl". The rest afterwards was just nothing. We never talked about it again. That was in July. It's November now and I'm back in Singapore for the summer holidays. And the first thing when I landed, was about if I managed to stay 'normal' and if there were any potential man in my life that I would get married to. Don't get me started on why, I don't understand if it's an Asian thing, if it's just a parent-expectations-for-their-kids thing, I hate how at least here, marriage is what defines success for a woman. I don't get why the future played in my mum's head meant for me, includes everything but my say. Yes, I know it takes time. It takes communication. It takes patience. It takes a whole lot of faith. But this grey area, this grey area of that obligation and responsibility in taking care of my mum and at the same time, make sure i prioritise my own happiness, that I don't cave in to society's say....is honestly, driving me pretty crazy. I stand proud and then I question. I kiss her and then I wonder if anyone's judging. I wonder what our future dogs' names are going to be and then I ask if we can even get there. I look deep into her eyes and then I see my mum's. Anyway, I diverge. But today just happened to be one of those days where it's significantly harder to make it through. So...yeah. It sucks because I don't understand why I have to justify for my happiness. It just sucks that's all.
Yes! You have to keep going if only for that alone! OK I'm just being facetious and romantic, but after reading that (well-written) brain dump, I feel like I am you and I'm starting to think of dog names. Sorry for your mom trying to just erase your face. Your gf sounds like a keeper. What does her family think of it all?
One of humanities greatest flaws is rejecting the unfamiliar. If it isn't set in stone, known and followed tradition, there's fear. Parents seem to map out the life they want for their children before it even begins, once we arrive, that's when they realize things won't be by design. They reach for control and hope that they can protect us from any little thing they deem a danger, hindrance, or detriment. In most mothers eyes for their daughters, that is being homosexual. Every dream they had or plan they've thought of is altered, and the life they were so sure their darling little girl would surely see becomes a mystery. Most mothers, as women first do not know how to compute the possibilities of such unfamiliar territory and because they can't anticipate the scrapes and bruises along the way, because they can't fathom the hurts and pains they'd rather sacrifice your happiness for their peace of mind. It is sad, but it is true. But as terrorizing as they become, they are victims too. Victims of tradition, circumstance, ignorance, overprotection, stigma, and miseducation. The children suffer most because of it. I am sorry that, that is your situation. I understand the complexities. I'm not sure which is worse your mom thinking its a choice or knowing my mom "tolerates" my sexuality but doesn't accept it. All I can offer is that though you love your mother dearly and the universe has trained you to reject all things breaking her heart or disappointing her, you have to know that you cannot live for her, you must live for you. And the life you choose to live is yours, you are the only one who possesses the power to live it. She must love you enough to accept the uniqueness of you. Whether it makes sense to her or not, whether it alters her expectations or not. Her happiness is something to consider but your happiness is vital. If your relationship is this beautiful love affair you've mapped there is no other option. You must hold on to it, fight for it, protect it, and exude its eminence in all ways because it is something so rarely found even as it is so greatly sought after. When you find a love like that, you keep it. You cherish it. You respect. You take that leap of faith because you never know if you are ever going to be presented with the opportunity to jump into that possibility again. It is something to be in awe of and no matter the opposition you must always treat it as such. No matter whose watching or commenting or approving. Things will get better. Your mother may never change but loving you will cause her to have to adapt and in the mean time while she finds a way to do that, don't dwell on the negative or the darkness. Bask in the ambience of a love divine and let it shine through your every piece of being in and out. Best.
