Family sucks.

I wouldn't hold me up as any sort of ideal. There's being emotionally guarded and then there is being emotionally inaccessible (which probably best describes what I am in my day to day life.) It's not a very healthy way to live life.

 

My mother had no friends, she do not believe in friendship.

 

I feel you, friend. Couldn't have put it better myself. This is my first holiday season actually being out of the closet to anyone (I started coming out to friends last february) but my sister is the only family member I've told.

It was so weird this year. I felt very lonely in their company, like you said. Because accepting myself after so long and coming out has been a very big life milestone for me. I never thought that I would ever get to this point, and it's been the only thing about my year that hasn't been shitty honestly. The only thing I can say I'm proud to have accomplished recently. And yet none of them have any idea I've been going through that. I just felt very disconnected from them. I don't know exactly how each of my relatives would react but I know it wouldn't be good. They range from just not caring about LGBT issues to being outright homophobic. You're right - it's hard talking to people that have only ever been nice to me and who DO care about me, while knowing they won't ever look at me the same once they know I'm bisexual and more recently, questioning whether I'm interested in having romantic relationships with men at all.

They all kept asking me or joking about a boyfriend and I wanted to badly to tell them about the girl I really like and how I'm hoping we'll be together soon. But I couldn't. I know if I ever start dating her or another girl they'll root for us to break up and for me to just find a guy. I just wish so badly I was in a family that was more accepting of anything other than cis hetero people.

It's a bummer so many of us feel this way but it's comforting too in a way to know I'm not alone.

 

Let them watch prayers for Bobby

 

So I just watched this because you suggested it. I thought I was prepared for how emotional it was going to make me, but I was wrong. I actually went to catholic schools all the way until college so I really felt Bobby's pain. This was only the second time I've ever full-blown cried at a movie or show.

If I showed this to my family, I don't think it'll make them any less disappointed that their "normal" daughter is this way but hopefully it would at least help them realize they can't try to change me.

 

Does your family want a dead daughter or a daughter that is alive and happy?

 

People are afraid of what they don't understand. Even when it comes to the people they love. They don't see their reactions as such a damaging effect because they don't seem to take in that they are doing damage at all. It is unfortunate that you feel so repressed and regretful. I know what it is to feel that way or at least awkward with the way that it is "tolerated" but not accepted or respected by people whose love and opinions matter most but the older I have gotten the more that I have realized, I'm not living for them. I'm not living for their approval and in the end it is me who has to live my life and whether they accept it or reject is just something I cannot control. I choose not to dwell and even though it saddens me, the only solace I find is that I know in the end I'll be fine eventually but it's them who are missing out. But you can't let that dictate how you feel. It'll get better. Even though it doesn't seem like it and because you are younger you will grow with a strength that will one day make all of this just seem like a really bad day in a really dull past that you don't want to revisit.

Hope it gets better, hope you feel better. Don't diminish the strength in choosing to be who you are it is an inspiring thing. Best.

 

Sorry to piggyback on another reply but it made me think of a movie as well that I just recently watched. It's called "Love, Simon" it may not necessarily make too much of a difference to them and it may even end up being something you feel is too much to show to them but I guarantee it will certainly bring you a lot of peace and clarity if for no one and nothing else, but yourself. I encourage you to watch it or at least look into it.