I don't like women, but I'm only sexually attracted to them?

Waiting around is not going to suddenly make you attracted to men. If it's not there, it's not there. We can't change our sexualities: no matter how much we may want to be into the opposite gender, if we're not, then that's it. If that WAS possible, conversion therapy would be a successful method, and not a highly traumatising form of psychological torture. So, best to stop wishing for it, honestly. Easier said than done, I know, but trust me: you're hoping for something that won't happen and it's getting in the way of your self-acceptance. And self-acceptance, I think, may be where the problem lies here.

It seems like, in a way, you've created the perfect excuse to not want to be gay: all women suck, or as you say "Women are really complicated and are really dishonest and out of touch with themselves for most of there life's and are generally very moody". And if all women suck, then duh, being gay is impossible. To me, this sounds like self-sabotage; judging people to protect yourself. Obviously, not all women are complicated and dishonest and out of touch with themselves and moody. That's a major over-generalisation that kind of sounds like you've never met any actual women and are basing your idea of women on the sitcom trope of the nagging mum. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything here, but I'm just pointing out that you're making generalisations that cannot possibly apply to all women (and only women, for that matter). There's no such thing as a "woman's personality" - there's just individual personalities. And if you assume those generalisations are true before you even meet someone, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, or confirmation bias, if you will - and it becomes a sort of cycle where you assume things, then they turn out to be that way because you specifically look for those traits and assume everything to be a sign of it, which then fuels your assumption. And these cycles... they become a sort of guard. A good excuse to not like being gay that doesn't sound like you have an issue with being gay. Misogyny is so rampant in society that it's very easy to just latch onto that and let it lead the way so you don't have to worry about confronting your unease with your sexuality. It seems to me you're trying to escape the real discomfort.

Take a really good look at why you're thinking these things about women. And how these can possible apply to all women, and only women. And why you're directing so much of your dislike towards women. Internalised misogyny (directed at either ourselves or other women) is a thing, too, and with misogyny being spoon-fed to us everywhere, all the time, it's something we almost all have to confront within ourselves eventually. It's not abnormal to be stuck in your thought pattern or anything, but it isn't productive, and you can't keep blaming other women's personalities for the fact that you're not into men. Other women don't benefit from that, but you also don't. You're not going to suddenly become attracted to men if it's never been there... so confront yourself. Delve into these feelings of dislike and pick them apart and see what the real unease is. As women, we (unfortunately) have to spend part of our time un-hating women - and as gay women even more, because for us learning to love women is a double-edged sword.

 

This is very true. I deal with a lot of internalized misogyny as well. It's a lot of work to undue all the bad habits we learn in this society.

 

I actually have a theory that the reason so many people have issues and don't know they have same sex attraction is the amount of toxic shame we receive during our lives. We are taught to hate ourselves in ways we don't even realize and it's rarely corrected and more often sadly even encouraged. It's a sneaky way of keeping everyone in line and living prescribed lives to make others happy.

 

This is so true. Looking back, I can see how I might have prevented myself from seriously questioning my sexuality when I was younger. I grew up in a deeply homophobic household. When I was 14, a certain song was very popular and the two female singers were said to be lesbians. I clearly remember thinking that I can't like this song because that would mean I was gay. I was bullied in middle school and basically everyone called me gay behind my back, but loud enough for me to hear it. All I knew was that being gay was bad and I did everything in my power to not seem gay, even though I was young and barely gave any consideration to either gender.

 

What you said. Hence the term "woke".

 

Awesome reply. Especially this last bit: "As women, we (unfortunately) have to spend part of our time un-hating women - and as gay women even more, because for us learning to love women is a double-edged sword."

@kagil There was a time when I sounded a lot like you. It can be frustratingly difficult trying to fit in with women when you are attracted to them and also one of them. You are completely correct. That said, do cut some slack. Half the population is female. There's a lot of variety out there and you are making some broad stroke judgments that segregate you from all of your own gender. It's just... kind of a red flag that maybe your perceptions are biased going into it.

 

Yep. And the tricky part is that when being gay, it's very easy to project those insecurities onto our (potential) partners as well. for example, if we're told our entire lives we need to be skinny to be valuable, we don't just shame ourselves for not being skinny, but will also reject potential partners for not being skinny (or perhaps even worse: shame our partners for it). Womanhood is basically a lifetime of unlearning toxic thoughts and behaviours that have been normalised in society, and it's part of the reason why a number of gender theorists and activists have described womanhood (or growing up female) as traumatising. And that's only stronger when it intersects with others forms of oppression, such as homosexuality/homophobia. Just looking at how society works it makes a LOT of sense that we feel this way; but it also means we need to address it at some point of our lives if we want to ever become comfortable with ourselves and our identities.

 

Yes! Being a lesbian in some ways for me feels harder than being a gay man which doesn't make sense because it should be the same. I have so many issues surrounding all this I developed in the storm of my teenage years so I'm trying to work on it.

 

And yes I definitely do judge myself and later really recognized the judgment I was putting on other women for the way I look. I realized how wrong that was and that was something I need to correct. And how I used my interest in men to hide all this. I even was primarily fascinated by gay men before because they were men. And I avoided woman things and things geared towards women so didn't pursue anything with lesbians until this year really.

 

I must say this thread has some really good posts!

@tystnad I agree with what you say. I've grown up in a society that's sexist and homophobic to its core. So being a woman is seen like being more of a capricious 'other', more like a creature than an actual human being. In the same context, to be human and normal, means to be a man, a straight man. Anything else, is considered bad. When you are a man and not straight, you lose points, depending on how feminine you are. If you are masculine and a top you are close to 'normal'. If you are a feminine man, it's a lot worse I mean who wants to be like a woman?? (Seriously that logic *eyeroll*). So you can imagine what happens when you are gay and a woman.

@sjax0628 Yep, I had similar experiences. I also tried not be gay with all I had. My father was violent towards me, so the last thing I wanted was to give him more excuses. I was deeply in denial, which I know consider as beneficial. I wouldn't be able to deal with it at the time. Although my lack of real romantic interest towards guys did trouble me. Also most girls at my school were mean to me, so I couldn't really see any of them in a sexual light. Unless they undressed in front of me. Or talked about their boyfriends. I hated these conversations, I didn't have much to say and why did they like these guys? It didn't make sense. I thought I was broken.

 

Based on what you wrote. You aren't broken. It just seems you are a bit pessimistic about the emotional parts of dealing with females. There's nothing wrong with that as we are in fact complicated creatures but it doesn't mean you will feel that way forever. Maybe you just haven't met a female who has curbed your emotional interest in a way you find promising. For now, maybe you should stop seeing it as a problem and just live in embracing your current truth. You'd rather have sex than deal with a relationship. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn't make you any less Lesbian or any more for that matter, it just makes you human. Dealing with women and being a woman is a complete mindf*ck excuse my language but it's accuracy and sometimes it takes some of us a little longer to reach a feeling of settling down and wanting to deal with it extensively, including all of the mushy stuff. Have you found yourself identifying as a femme or a stud or stem, etc. I honestly find all of the labeling a little extra but sometimes that's where confusion lies. Like if I had to use a label I'd personally have to classify myself as a stud, when I was younger I battled most of the issues you've listed, but more so not just the attraction, my entire way of being. I didn't feel comfortable in the clothes that I was told were acceptable for a young woman to wear. I didn't like dainty or femme like activities and it wasn't until I stopped trying to be what everyone else thought I should be or wear what everyone else thought I should wear or act how everyone else thought I should act that I began to understand myself and I felt free. Now I just identify as me and if that comes off more masculine than ladylike or I find myself more attracted to femmes and not attracted to other lesbians who seem to dress and act like me that's completely fine. It seems you just have a hard time identifying a preference and there's nothing wrong with that. The best way to figure it out is honestly to try outside of the box things, or be honest with yourself about some home-truths and explore more or yourself and the women you deal with.

I'm not entirely sure that helped or made a lot of sense but I hope it did.

 

If I could like this a million times, I would. It took me 30 years to get past what everyone else wanted me to be and to just start being me. And it's been the most freeing thing imaginable. I still have days where I have zero confidence, but there are far fewer of them now that I am living for myself instead of others.

 

Being you, in a world full of everyone else, can be and often is impossible. Especially for those of us who are liberated in a sense that will never be normal to those who will always live by aspiring to be "normal" but it is encouraging to see that someone else has found their sense of peace and self no matter what it took to get them to that point. It gives me hope that one day, I won't have to feel like someone has to know the definition of me by the books, to get to really know and understand me. Best of luck to you in all of your future realizations.

 

You may be asexual