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Dissatisfied

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Nov 27, 2018.

  1. SevnButton

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    Dang! -- I gotta make some changes. My wife feels unappreciated, and very understandably as I have no physical attraction to her and little respect for her propensity to be confrontational. We argue over how to handle the kids, especially our youngest. We hardly do anything as a family because we invariably get into conflict. I lack any sexual motivation, and reason that in my stage of life what I really need to fulfill myself is spirituality, so I meditate even harder. Then I get onto Empty Closets and read about other people's attractions and I feel momentarily sexual.

    I want to get onto this forum and be supportive, encouraging and insightful. But today this is all I have.

    Hugs welcome.
     
  2. Danabutton

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    Thanks for the post sevenbutton...I know I feel the same myself
    My current situation is lonely as hell and there is a huge part of me that really wants to stop dipping my toe in the waters and dive in to really explore this part of myself that I have been ashamed of and have repressed or suppressed for most of my life
     
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  3. quebec

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    Sevn.....Yes, there are days that I question my decision to stay married and long for a life of being totally myself. A life where I never have to double-check what I am saying or be careful how long I look at a guy. But I have to remind myself that the price I would have to pay for that freedom is far too high. I know that I've made the right choices. I know that I am so much happier since I accepted that I am and always have been gay. I've accepted myself and have learned to love myself and that is worth so very much. Sometimes it's just difficult to look at today's youth and see the wonderful opportunities that most of them have...that we didn't have. I need to be happy for them and accept that so much progress has been made. I need to be happy to have seen that progress being made. I know that it's natural to want that for myself...but I am happy to know that my grandkids will have that freedom. I don't care if they are straight or gay...I am happy that they will have the choice without anything like the pressure that I had. Sevn...hang in there. I know that some days are still going to be difficult, but accepting who we really are is something that so very many people never do. We are blessed to know our true selves even though there are some days that are rough. It can be difficult, but we are no longer living a lie that eats at us every day!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. MOGUY

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    I agree with David. Even though I have chosen to have no physical relations with a man, I feel liberated in that there’s no more self-loathing and guilt. I can look at bears and cubs and I appreciate their handsomeness without shame. Staying in my marriage is not the easiest choice but it’s my choice. Hugs for you SevnButton.
     
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  5. SevnButton

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    Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. I know I won't always feel like this.
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Hugs <3 <3 <3 You’re in the process of a difficult and emotional journey. You will find your way to the other side, whatever it means for you, it will just take time. We’re all here to listen, keep posting and sharing. More <<<hugs>>>
     
  7. heythere1971

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    You know, statistics don't lie. I was the most homophobic person growing up. My own step bother is openly out and very active in gay community and I was cruel to him as a kid. Picked on him with the rest of my friends in cub scout. Ignored him. Always spoke derogitivly, even after I first started exploring and denying. Granted I had no same sex attraction until I was 18. But even when I did, I hid behind that mask of religious indignity. I have never even gone to a gay club, or gay bar. Now retired from military I don't travel solo so have no opportunity. I too envy this generation of acceptance. I know there's a long way to go...yet it's better than when I was in highschool. So karmic I guess. This homophobe in my youth finds himself to be gay. Maybe I earned this cross to bear.
     
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  8. Lone Wolfe

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    So that was you - I always wondered if all those bullies hurling insults at me weren't actually closeted gays who couldn't deal with their sexuality.
     
    #8 Lone Wolfe, Nov 28, 2018
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  9. FooFight54

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    Sevn,

    Hang in there....My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    <Hugs to you>
    FooFight54
     
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  10. Choirboy

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    Hugs to all. That in-between phase is rough.

    Speaking as someone who knew what he was feeling and what it meant long before I came out and the marriage ended, I have to tell you that while it's not easy, you will be happier in the long run if you go with your conscience and figure out your own way to live with who you are and how far you want to go with it. I remember having a very loud, very public conversation with my ex in a Burger King probably 16 years ago. (my youngest, who will be 18 in spring, was not even walking yet, so it was a long time ago!) I knew I was unhappy in our marriage and I knew that being secretly gay was one of the reasons. I also knew that another reason was my wife's emotional problems, which would only get worse if I left. And the probable result of my leaving would be that the girls would be left in her care, I decided to stay.

    Eventually, of course, I did tell her; it must have been some 13 or 14 years later. It was a hell of a wait. But by then I felt that while the fallout was still not going to be pretty, I knew I would be able to deal with absolutely whatever came, and so were the girls. It was time, and I knew it, and I have gotten through everything that followed without guilt and without feeling like I had done anything to be ashamed of. There were plenty of days and nights of frustration and unhappiness between the Burger King fight and the day I came out to her. But I chose to frame those bad emotions as installments towards greater happiness, like denying yourself some of the things you may want now in exchange for putting money into the 401k or the college accounts. You might love to dip into that money now, but you also know that there is a reason you're saving it, and in the end what you're really contributing to in this case is your own self respect.

    Hang in there, and be honest with yourself about ALL the things that are important to you, not just that nagging desire to be with a guy. I can pretty much guarantee you that once you really feel you're ready, things will happen, maybe more quickly that you expect. According to my self-determined timeline, I should have been considering looking for an apartment at this point, and maybe looking for an occasional date, but here I am, close to the 5 year anniversary of meeting a guy I adore, who has been accepted by my kids, my siblings, and even my ex-wife (and her mother, God help me), Meeting him answered all the lingering questions about how ready I was, and what the next steps needed to be. You WILL get there. Self-sacrifice is rough, but moving forward when you're ready, with a clear conscience and the belief that you're doing the right thing for ALL the people you love, and not just yourself, will keep you sane, happy and will give you self respect in the long haul.
     
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  11. Danabutton

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    Wow....choirboy thank you for this post , that really strikes a chord I appreciate the fact that I’m not alone here
     
  12. SevnButton

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    Thanks for the thoughtful post, @Choirboy. That reminds me -- sometime around January of this year, I picked Summer 2019 for when I'd come out to my wife. I did it in July 2018. I also worry about my wife's stability, and how it affects our kids, especially the youngest.
     
  13. FooFight54

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    @Choirboy, thanks for sharing your journey!!! It's very powerful and truly honest.
     
  14. SevnButton

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    <phew> That was brutal! I just endured a full-on verbal assault from my wife. It was a profanity-laced tirade, bringing up all sorts of things from the past and anger in the present. She promises to out me if we split up. It was like she wanted to break me, and with each attempt when I said, "OK, if that's what you need to do", she'd pull out another different weapon.

    I never took the bait, but I was tempted. I'm rattled now, actually more like numb. I don't know if my wife is just going through a phase, or psychologicallyrics falling apart. This can't continue.
     
    #14 SevnButton, Nov 28, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
  15. SevnButton

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    Thank you auto-complete! "Psychologicallyrics" was supposed to be "psychologically" .
     
  16. Markieg64

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    Hi sevn I know were your coming from my wife done that to me promised to out me if I left her .I said really the following weekend I told came out to the rest of my family and friends and went back and told my wife . She then said why did you do that I didn't want anyone else to know . So in said you kept threatening to out me if I left you,,, so is one done it know you can't hold that against me I have told you I am not going to leave . And things have not been to bad since . Sevn I don't know if that helps you but hold in there friend

    As of you original post I to don't have sexual intermet moments with my wife but I think she has excepted that know because it has not happened know for years as I can't and yes I get days were I want to explore my sexual desires it natural to and there is nothing wrong in that but like David said just be yourself by self acceptance of your sexualality and to love who you are goes a very long way I have excepted my self as a gay man and I love being who I am and I am the happiest I have been I a long time so once again hold in there my friend I hope it has helped you I am not very good at all this
    Good luck
     
  17. Jakebusman

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    I'm in the same boat Bud me and my wife have been fighting alot lately and for a couple months haven't been intament
     
  18. Lone Wolfe

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    It sounds like she is reacting to her "fear of the unknown". Do you have any mutual friends who are understanding that could explain things to her?
     
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  19. SevnButton

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    Thanks @Lone Wolfe. I think you're right, and it's mixed in with a strong need to have some control over her life. No mutual friends would be able to explain any of this to her, but our marriage counselor was helpful today.
     
  20. SevnButton

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    I got a referral to an LGBT counselor. I just left him a message. Funny thing is that I've met him before at the LGBT resource center. There's a good chance that he'll understand where I'm at. This is getting real!
     
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